To Be
by Adelia Dark
Summary: The Marauders return for the final year at Hogwarts, but something is wrong with Remus. He's become distant, hopeless. Will Sirius stay with him long enough to figure out what caused this change? Or by then, will Remus be beyond his aid? SBRL slash.
1. Remus Remained Silent

Excellent. If this story seems a little familiar, that's because it is. I first posted it on here more than a year ago, and despite my sporadic updates, I think I had a pretty good run. I'd like to thank everyone for my 300+ reviews! ♥You guys have no idea how happy it made me each time I read one. I love you. But anyway, I grew displeased with the story as it was, so I kept revising and reworking it. Eventually, I felt that I'd changed it so much that the original was kind of... sucky. So I took it down. But fear not! It's back and better than ever. Or at least, I hope so. Anyway, thanks for reading!

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Strongly implied slash... Uh oh, guys. That's all for now.

Disclaimer: T'ain't mine.

Remember -- every time you review, an angel gets its wings. Or I find my day all the more satisfying. Either/or.

Let's do this!

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* * *

__"I missed you, Moony," you say quietly, wishing that the platform wasn't so crowded; you can't hug me in front of all these people._

_"I missed you too," I murmur, looking at the ground. _

_"Everything'll be alright," you say knowingly as our eyes meet. Your gaze is reassuringly invasive. _

_As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise over the summer, now that I'm with you again, I can't deny it. I don't want to be alone. I want so badly for someone –for you— to understand me. I need you.

* * *

_

"Remus!"

The sandy-haired boy looked up from where he sat on his trunk.

Sirius was pushing his way through the noisy, crowded platform to get to him.

Remus attempted a grin, but it was so hard for him to smile with that terrible twisting feeling in his chest. "Sirius." His smile came a bit easier as he stood up.

Sirius stepped in close to him, obviously about to initiate a hug-type greeting.

Remus automatically took a step back.

Sirius gave him an awkward, one-armed pat on the back.

Remus laughed uncomfortably, as the anxious tugging in his chest grew. "So, er, how've you been?"

"All right." Sirius nodded. "You?"

He hesitated for a split-second before replying, "All right." Immediately, he regretted the unsure inflection in his tone. Maybe Sirius hadn't noticed. But then, Sirius had this incredible ability to read Remus, to see straight through his convincingly calm exterior. And he wasn't even trying to act calm right now. Surely, Sirius would have noticed.

Sirius looked around, scanning the massive throng with a purposefully furrowed brow. "James is somewhere around here..." he said in a very off-hand manner. "Must've ditched me for Evans."

Maybe Sirius had noticed, but didn't care.

"Still haven't seen Peter," he continued. "We've only just got onto the platform. James was being a great git and made us late."

Remus gave a short, forced laugh, looking down at his feet. Two months was a long time. Maybe it was long enough for Sirius to have lost interest in him. He couldn't blame him, really.

"How long have you been here?" Sirius reached to keep up the conversation.

"A while. I got here really early."

Sirius nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes scanning the crowd again. "So..." he began stiffly. "What'd you do over holiday? I..." there was an edge to his voice, "I never heard from you."

"Err..." Remus's stomach dropped like lead. "Nothing, really..." He hoped that sounded more convincing to Sirius than it did to him.

There was an awkward pause.

"So..." Sirius started slowly. "Any particular reason why you didn't answer any of my letters?" He sounded either very hurt or very angry. It was hard to tell with him.

Remus opened his mouth to give some excuse, but none came to mind. He stood frozen, staring down at his feet, trying to force his brain to think of something to say. Anything would do. The only thing he could think of, though, was how terribly, terribly heavy his stomach felt.

"Hey!"

Both Remus's and Sirius's heads jerked up at the sound of James's ecstatic voice.

"Remus! Have a good summer?" He stood between him and Sirius.

Remus nodded slightly. "You?"

James laughed, "We thought you'd died or something! How come you never wrote us back?"

Sirius shook his head, giving James a warning glance.

Remus felt mentally paralyzed again.

James nodded, his eyebrows raised. He took a deep, dramatic breath. "Well," he started purposefully, "Sirius, I think I saw your trunk sitting back there... You guys seen Peter anywhere?"

They both shook their heads.

"Hm. Wonder where he is... He'll show up eventually, I guess. I'll go on and save us a compartment." He picked up his trunk, winking at a blushing fourth year Ravenclaw girl as he pushed past her.

"Right," Sirius said to James's retreating head, as he toward Remus again. "Hey, come with me to get my trunk. I forgot about it after I spotted you." He craned his neck to try to see around the thinning, scattered groups of people. "I left it somewhere over there, I think. I hope that poor girl is all right, though," he grinned, casting a glance in the direction James had gone.

Remus gave a weak smile as he picked up his own luggage. His mind was reeling. He had to tell Sirius what had happened over the summer. He had to. He had to get it all out right now or else he'd go crazy.

"James and all..." Sirius said, greatly miffed that Remus hadn't added any choice comments of his own about James's philandering.

"Yeah," Remus laughed forcedly. He'd probably have a chance to get Sirius alone during the train ride. If he could wait that long. It hadn't been so bad that morning. He'd actually felt a lot better about everything, like a giant weight had been lifted off his chest. Until Sirius had asked him about the letters. And then James. And now it was hard to even breathe.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, glaring at Remus for a moment before heading off in the direction of his trunk.

And now Sirius was annoyed with him. Remus stood still for a moment, trying to collect himself. For the first time, it occurred to him that things between him and Sirius wouldn't just go back to how they were at the end of last term. Two months was a long time. And so much had happened. Remus took a deep breath before going to follow Sirius.

* * *

On the train a few hours later, weeks and weeks of dedication and relentless preparation were about to culminate into one moment of glorious humiliation. James and Peter had just left to go put their new nose-hair growing charm to the ultimate test.

In the meantime, the compartment was silent.

Sirius, by this point, was incredibly unamused by Remus's increasingly morose behaviour.

Remus was just sitting there, cramped up against the window, staring blankly out at the dull scenery as it flew by. It was starting to rain. Sirius couldn't help but get the impression that the rain would stop if Remus would stop staring out the window.

For several minutes now, Sirius had been observing Remus, really for lack of anything better to do. The more he looked at him, though, the more he thought that Remus was really looking pretty rough. He was uncharacteristically unkempt; his shirt was all wrinkled and untucked. That was very unlike him. But the thing that really struck Sirius the most was how thin he was. His skin was pale and tired, stretched too thin across his gaunt face; his arms looked like they were in danger of snapping in half. He looked ill.

It was really rather concerning. Sirius broke the silence, "Full moon was last Sunday, right?"

Remus looked slightly startled before replying, "Yeah." He nodded and turned towards the window again, crossing his arms restlessly.

"Still feeling bad?"

Remus hesitated. "No. Not really. It's been, what," he furrowed his brow, counting his fingers, "four days?" He shrugged, sighing.

"How was it?"

Remus stared at the empty seat across from him for a long while, his mind obviously elsewhere. Finally, he mumbled almost unintelligibly, "It was okay, I guess." He suddenly frowned, his whole body tensing up as he held his breath. "Why?"

"You just look really tired is all."

"Oh. I am tired."

"Oh." Sirius's mind raced with blankness as he tried to continue the conversation. "How come?"

"I dunno." Remus shrugged.

Sirius frowned. This was absolutely wretched. He was running out of stupid things to comment on. Remus was never this hard to talk to.

And Remus was just sitting there, apparently perfectly fine with the overbearing awkwardness.

Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. "What's wrong with you?" It came out more accusatory than he had meant it.

"What?" Remus blurted defensively.

"What're you acting like this for?"

"Acting like what for?"

"This." Sirius indistinctly gestured at the space between them, his tone gaining urgency, "Is _this _why you didn't answer any of my letters over the summer? I don't get it. Are you just tired of us or something? Of me?"

"I–What do you mean? No." Remus sunk down in his seat, crossing his arms as he looked up at Sirius with a furrowed brow.

"Why didn't you answer my letters, then?"

"I don't know."

"Oh, all right, then."

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry," Remus muttered again to the floor.

"God. Stop it with the 'sorry'-ing. It's obnoxious."

"Sorry..."

"You were pissing me off a lot less before you started talking."

"I–" Remus faltered, his voice quiet, "I– You were the one–"

Sirius cut in, "I said I don't want to talk to you anymore."

Remus let his head go limp. It hit the window with a loud 'thud'.

"Ow..." he groaned quietly as he pushed his long fringe into his face, smushing his nose with his hand.

Sirius glanced over, frowning heavily.

Remus let his hand fall down into his lap, his sandy hair obscuring eyes. He hit his head against the glass with another 'thunk'. This happened several more times. Ordinarily, Sirius would have tried to put a stop to it, but he just sat there, enraged by the occasional sound of Remus's head hitting the glass.

A few long minutes passed in heavy, oppressive silence, only interrupted by the occasional 'thud'. Suddenly, there was a commotion outside the compartment. Sirius looked towards the door just in time to see James and Peter rushing in, clutching stitches in their sides. Suddenly the silence in the compartment was replaced with uproarious laughter. Peter leaned against the closed door, nearly doubled over with mirth.

James wiped a tear from his eye, trying to speak through his laughter "That was—That was phenomenal! I've never seen anyone's—" he lost the ability to speak as he and Peter suddenly burst into stronger peals of uncontrolled laughter. James's knees started to give way as he lowered himself into the seat across from Sirius, still doubled over with laughter. He tried to straighten himself up again, "Oh god... It was—Oh god, Sirius. It was—" his laughter didn't stop, but it did lessen considerably as he noticed Remus and Sirius, "What's wrong with you two?" He couldn't help but to continue giggling.

Sirius was sitting with his arms crossed tightly across his chest, a good deal further away from Remus than he had been when James and Peter had left. He was purposefully looking away from Remus, who was sitting with his head propped against the window, apathetically trying to cram himself as far into the corner as was possible.

"Nothing," Sirius scoffed. His tone lightened drastically as he asked, "So, what'd you guys do, exactly?"

"Oh, oh, god, it was brilliant! All right, so we've got my cloak, right? And we go in–" he began to laugh again, "–we go into Sn–" Uncontrollable laughter.

Sirius started laughing at how hard James was laughing. The only one in the compartment who wasn't laughing was Remus.

"Snivellus's– I can't. I can't–" He shook his head, grinning madly, "Wormtail, you go."

Peter's laughter subsided a bit as he took on the task of explaining the caper, "He was just sitting in there by himself, so we–"

"But, what ever would Lily think?" Sirius interrupted.

"Shut it, Black! If you tell her about this–" James warned.

Sirius laughed, "Of course not! Why would I ever do such a thing?"

Remus leaned in towards the others unsurely. His voice was shaky and weak, "Lily Evans?"

Instantly, the compartment fell silent as all eyes turned incredulously to Remus.

Remus shrunk back slightly.

"Ohh," James nodded with sudden understanding. "That's right. You don't know about all that, do you?"

"About what?"

"Maybe that's for the best," James laughed. "It's nothing, really–"

"They're madly in love," Sirius teased, throwing an arm around James.

"We are not!"

"Don't let him lie to you, Moony. He doesn't know what he's talking about." Sirius didn't turn to look back at Remus. "He's blinded by the overpowering emotion pouring from his soul at the very mention of her name."

"You're going to get it for that one, Padfoot," James said as he hooked Sirius from behind with one arm, mock-punching him with the other.

"Okay, okay!" Sirius laughed as he freed himself, "Violent, aren't we?"

"You had it coming."

"So, which one did you use?"

Remus sank back into his seat.

"One what? Oh! On Snivellus!" James broke out laughing again.

"Was it the–"

"No. We tested that one on you, remember?"

"No. When? I don't remember us testing the first one. Seems like I'd remember something like–"

"That was the one that didn't work."

"Wasn't it the one with the shiny knickers that didn't work?"

"Yeah, but this one was before that."

"Oh! That's right! We did test that one, didn't we? I guess I forgot about that one after all the others' far more exciting results." Sirius burst out laughing, "Speaking of which, did you bring the tentacle drops?"

"Yeah. I brought everything."

"Excellent. This year is going to be so great..."

"We have to do _something_ to be remembered by, don't we?"

"Yes, yes. The Marauders' last reign of terror," Sirius grinned.

"Brilliant."

"Hey, Wormtail, did you ever hear from your Aunt Harriet after that time we–"

"No. She'll probably never speak to me again after what you guys did..."

"We didn't do anything!"

"Well, maybe just a bit," Sirius beamed.

"But, you have to admit, Wormtail, it was worth it, wasn't it? To see the look on her face..." James shook with laughter.

And so on. The next few hours were spent in more or less constant uproarious laughter as they reminisced about the previous summer's splendid accomplishments and their high hopes for the upcoming year.

Remus remained silent for the rest of the train ride, chased further into his growing misery by the sound of Sirius's laughter.

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Thank you guys so much for reading! Please, please review, that I might use your insights to better my silly story. 


	2. It's Only The First Day

Extra-large thank you - Lupen - O.o Err... Spoons? Greased monkeys? I'm most frightened. I pity Remus, too. Poor, misguided Remus. moonyNZ - Thanks much! I hope you continue a'readin' Cassandra - Mwahaha... my evil plan to drive the human race to anticipatory insanity is working... Yeeeesss... Haha, thanks for reading! Versipellis - Awesome. Thank you so much! Maybe it's best that you didn't read it the first time through. I'd like to think that the quality has improved greatly since then. I hope. Dark Angel's Blue Fire - Go me! Go you for reading/reviewing. You make my heart glad inside.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13... T? Wtf is this new rating system?

Warnings: Slash: if it doesn't float your boat, then don't go boating.

Disclaimer: It's the lady's. The lyrics are the Pixies's. I'm pretty sure I immediately lose all angst-credibility by quoting them, though, haha. Next time I'll use Evanescence or Good Charlotte or something. Maybe.

Mr. Mittens decrees that all whosoever puts forth a review shall, in turn, receive a high quality baked good of their personal choice.

Go time!

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_As loud as hell_

_A ringing bell_

_Behind my smile_

_It shakes my teeth_

_And all the while_

_As vampires feed_

_I bleed_

* * *

It was long past dark when they finally arrived at school, and Remus's mood still hadn't improved. He kept telling himself that it'd be alright, that once they actually got to Hogwarts he'd be able to forget all about the past summer. So what if he'd fallen out of the loop with Sirius, James, and Peter? Things would work themselves out. Give it a few days, and everything would be back to normal and he'd have a good year.

All through the carriage ride to the castle, all through the feast, all through unpacking his trunk he expected that at any moment he would start feeling better, that the heavy, twisting feeling in his stomach would go away and he'd be able to join in all the laughter and fun. But the laughter and fun just seemed to further the gap between him and his friends. The fact that Sirius was completely ignoring him by now surely wasn't helping.

By the time he finished unpacking his trunk, Sirius, James, and Peter had already gone down to the common room. Alone and unrelieved, Remus lay down on his four-poster bed, once more promising himself that this was just for tonight. By tomorrow he'd be down in the common room with everyone else. Everything would just go away, fade into a terrible memory. After all, nothing could happen to him here, could it? He was safe. And no one knew. None of his friends knew. That'd make it so much easier to just ease back into normality. Remus shut his eyes, at least superficially convinced that he'd wake to find that all of his problems had vanished into thin air.

He, of course, woke to find that the nagging pressure was still in his chest and that he still felt incredibly alienated from his friends and, worst of all, from Sirius.

* * *

"All right," James said seriously, gaining the attention of his three friends. "First item of business: —" He slammed his hands down on the table for emphasis.

Sirius's attention was suddenly redirected. "You've spilled my coffee, you great prat!" He reached for his wand.

Remus quickly grabbed his napkin, forming a blockade against the spreading liquid.

"_Scourgify_! Thanks, Moony."

"Sure," Remus mumbled.

"Anyway, what were you saying, Prongs?" Peter asked.

"Oh, right. First item of business: —" This time he didn't slam down his hands.

"What business?" Sirius interrupted again.

"For this year. Our goals. Well, one of them, anyway."

"Go on," urged Peter.

"Alright... We've got to figure out a way to get our map back."

"Yeah!"

"We've got to. We're nothing without it—"

"But aren't you Head Boy?"

"What?" Remus blurted, his eyebrows raised. "What?" he repeated as three pairs of eyes stared at him.

"Are you serious?" Sirius laughed.

Remus looked confused.

"I wrote you when I first got the letter..." James said.

"And then I wrote you so we could make fun of him."

"Hey!"

"It's all right. We made fun of Moony when he got made a Prefect, didn't we?"

"That's true."

They both looked to Remus, expecting some sort of indignant retort at being previously mocked.

"Sorry. Well, congratulations, I guess..."

"Hah. Not likely. I actually have to be responsible now. Actually, I'm supposed to be handing out schedules or something right now." He looked at his wristwatch. "Eh... We've still got ten minutes."

"Wait. How could you have possibly missed that?" Sirius surveyed Remus skeptically.

"Err..."

"I mean, even if you didn't even read our letters, Dumbledore announced it at the feast last night. You were here."

"I guess I wasn't paying attention..."

"And then when we were in the common room, McGonagall came in and—"

"Moony went on to bed, remember?" Peter offered.

"Oh, that's right. You weren't in the common room, were you?"

Sirius might as well have slapped him in the face. Remus stared down at his plate for a moment, before he looked up, laughing as best he could, "Thanks for noticing, Padfoot."

"You're being weird," Sirius declared bluntly.

"What? I'm not—"

Just then, the bell rang. All conversation was forgotten as chaos erupted in the Great Hall.

* * *

The day dragged on, seeming rather too tedious for a first day back. When they'd reached their first class, Potions, Sirius and James had immediately gone for the same cauldron, leaving Remus to partner up with Peter. Not that he wasn't glad to be with Peter, but it just didn't seem right for Sirius to disregard him like that. Last year, he'd always been very thoughtful.

When it was finally time for lunch, Remus decided against forcing himself to sit through the miserable chatter. Under the guise of going to the washroom, he snuck off to the Gryffindor Common room.

He'd only just sat down on his usual couch, feeling rather relieved to be alone, when he heard the portrait-hole creak open.

"Hey," Sirius's tone was somewhat uncomfortable as he sat down on the red couch next to Remus. "How come you're skipping lunch?"

"I dunno." True, he had come up here to be alone, but he was glad to have company. More specifically, Sirius's company.

"Here." Sirius shoved some sort of muffin at Remus.

"Thanks." He took the muffin and set it on the couch next to him. "Did you follow me?"

"Maybe," Sirius grinned.

"Why?"

"Because you're a swell chap."

"Except when I'm being weird," Remus smiled in spite of his sinking stomach.

Sirius's face fell. "What?"

"At breakfast. You said I was being weird."

"Oh. Err...Yeah, I guess we should probably talk about that, then."

Remus made an indistinct noise of comprehension as he started toying with his sleeve. Maybe he wasn't glad Sirius came after all.

"And on the train yesterday... I guess I shouldn't have got so mad."

"And didn't talk to me for the following twenty-four hours," Remus cut in, his tone casual.

"Well, you didn't talk to me for the past two months! And on the train—"

"No, I didn't."

"Then what do you call not answering any of my letters?"

"I—I don't know! That's different."

"No, it's not! And on the train... You were being super awkward. And at breakfast..." Sirius's voice suddenly shrank and trailed off.

There was a heavy pause before Remus replied quietly, "Sorry."

"I mean I haven't seen you all summer and then when we're finally together, you act like a complete arse." He pursed his lips for a moment. "Do you... No. Never mind."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No, what?"

"I... I don't know." Sirius crossed his arms, sinking back in his seat. "Is this what you want? With us, I mean." He turned away.

"Yes." Remus's stomach dropped sluggishly. "Yes. Of course I do... It's just... I don't know. Do you?"

Sirius took a quick breath, nodding slightly.

"It's just that I'm... I don't know how to say it." Remus was silent for a moment, fidgeting with his sleeve. "Last year, it was... easier, you know?"

After a moment, Sirius spoke, still turned away from Remus. "It's only the first day."

"I know, but it— Things feel different..."

"What's so different about it?"

"I don't know," he lied.

Sirius looked at him, his brow furrowed.

"It's not you."

"That's crap," Sirius said authoritatively. "Did something happen over the summer?"

"I—I don't know," Remus was momentarily thrown off guard. "No."

"Are you sure?"

Remus nodded.

"Then why didn't we hear from you?"

He hesitated before mumbling, "Just didn't have anything to say, I guess..."

Sirius brushed his shining black hair out of his face. There was a long, uneasy pause before he spoke again, glancing around the deserted common room, "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"This," Sirius said, waving his hand at himself. "I—" He gave a shallow sigh, turning his face away again. He hesitated. "Don't make me say it," he said quickly.

"Sorry..."

"Do you still like me?" Sirius's tone suggested that he was trying to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Yes," Remus replied instantaneously. He eyed Sirius with caution. "Do you?"

"Yes."

"All right, then."

"All right." Sirius nodded before suddenly breaking into a laugh. "I thought you randomly decided to hate me or something."

"No, no. Never."

Sirius beamed, obviously glad for Remus's declaration of non-hatred.

Remus laughed.

"Kiss me."

"What?" Remus felt his face redden.

"Go."

"But I–Really?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows impatiently.

Breaking into his first true grin since his return to school, Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius. Just then, the bell rang loudly, signifying the end of lunch.

"Damn it," Sirius muttered as he placed a quick kiss on Remus's cheek before getting up and stretching.

Remus followed suit, picking up his books off the end table. "Just when things were getting good, too... Curse you, Professor Binns!" He shook his fist, laughing. "Wait, we do have History of Magic next, don't we?" He began to pat himself down in search of his schedule.

"Yes, you great doof. Coming?" Sirius said, extending his hand, laughing as well.

"Probably," Remus laughed, taking Sirius's hand in his. He mentally chastised himself. It was too hard to keep himself miserable around Sirius. He just had a way of making everything else seem so irrelevant. There was no need for him to be unhappy, really. Maybe he really could just forget about everything and get on with enjoying himself.

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Thank you for making it this far! You're officially my best friend.

By the way, best friends always review...


	3. He Had to Convince Himself

Awesome. _Awesome._ **_Awesome._ **Vaguely Amused - :'( Baranwyn - Excellent! I'm glad you're feelin' it. Hope you keep reading! Ryyne - Aww... yeah... when I first wrote it, I wasn't really in a proper state to be thinking clearly about character, plot, etc. I was just kinda like "ANGGGSSSTTT MY SOUL IS BLACKKK ALL IS BURNNN" I guess that's good in that it produced a lot of raw emotion, but it was just too much morbid obsession and too little story. Hope you like it this time around and keep reading! Firesnake - Was that a cliff hanger? Pshaw. A cliff hanger is when Bill O'Reilly is all, "I have some shocking, completely factual statistics that PROVE that liberals are raping your wives – after the break!" Aw man. That's a cliffhanger. God. Bill O'Reilly is such a fucking asshole. And I really shouldn't watch TV while doing these responses... Uh. Thanks for reading! You're awesome. Onigami Nanashi - Aww, I'd love to be your best friend, no matter what you did on the bus. And sadly, I took the original post of this story down, and the 300+ reviews exist only as a fond memory. I consider the review count reset. I hope you keep reading! And, just out of curiosity, what are your suspicions about what happened to Remus? Your ideas might be better than mine... :X It's never too late for me to work a good idea in. Happyslasher - You're sweet! Ooh! Take that! Um. Thank you! I hope you keep reading! Versipellis - Grilled/toasted vs. baked. We're referring to a specific method of cooking, here. Anyway, I hope you keep a'reading, as all will be revealed in time... drama drama hype hype Hydraspit - Excellent. I'm glad you like it! Awkwardness is always good. Or at least its relate-able. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's a victim of awkwardness. Oh yeah, I almost forgot – butterflywings - Best friends! Awesome. You're a good best friend. And I'm glad I made your stomach all twisty. Unless it was the food, in which case, I offer you sympathy and a tums.

* * *

Title: To Be 

Rating: uberPG-13

Warnings: Vaguely implied slash. Gawd.

Disclaimer: I'm J.K. Rowling's bitch. And I would totally lick Isaac Brock's boots. This is relevant, as he is responsible for the lovely lyrics. Also, anyone who catches the _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ reference will be justly rewarded.

Reviewing makes me glad inside.

* * *

_My hell comes from inside,  
Comes from inside myself.  
Why fight this?  
Everyone's afraid of their own lives.  
If you could be anything you want,  
I bet you'd be disappointed,  
Am I right? _ _

* * *

_

After another few weeks of schooling, he still wasn't over it. He couldn't explain why his plan to fall back into his normal pattern hadn't worked. Even though there was no longer any need, the sinking feeling in his stomach, the tightness in his chest... both were still there. And by now, the apparent lack of cause was unbearable.

He couldn't explain it. It wasn't that Sirius, James, and Peter were leaving him out, as they had on the train. It wasn't that. By now, Remus felt pretty well caught up on all of the plotting and planning that had gone on during the summer. It was just... he had never particularly enjoyed playing harmful pranks, and that seemed to be the only thing anyone ever talked about anymore. Maybe that was it. Everything was always about laughing and joking and none of it meant anything. None of them ever even scratched the surface. There was this awkward, unspoken... thing between them, and Remus seemed to be the only one who cared or even noticed. It just all felt so skin-deep, although he had no idea what could possibly lay underneath. He just knew that he wasn't full. In fact, he would even go so far as to say that he was quite empty. A hollow vacuum in which words and thoughts and laughter just idly echoed before being spat back out. That probably had a lot to do with it. The thing – the unacknowledged gap.

It just seemed so strange that no one appeared to notice it. After his conversation with Sirius on the first day of school, no one had asked anything about his summer. No more questions, not even from Sirius. Whenever Remus had to ask about something that everyone else had assumed he knew about, they would just reply, "Oh, I wrote you about it over the summer," and proceed to tell him what happened. No, "How come you didn't know?" No, "Didn't you read my letters?" Nothing. No questions. No anything. It was like they just assumed that nothing of importance had happened, and that Remus's lack of communication over the summer was a mere annoyance that they wanted to put behind them. They didn't even give him a chance to tell them otherwise. It was just all laughing and joking, laughing and joking.

In their presence, Remus had no problem joining in the mind-numbing fun. It was just when they were away, when he was alone, that he even realised something was wrong. That was when the twisting and turning in his chest always seemed to occur. It was terrible. He hated that feeling. It was the same feeling he got when he looked at the nearly-full moon. The only difference was that this feeling didn't wax and wane. It just seemed to grow. His chest would hurt, then his heart would pound, then his stomach would drop, then his limbs would ache, then his throat would burn, until finally his head would begin to pound because of all the thoughts racing through it. His mind would wander in double-time, too fast for him to keep track of anything that was going through it. It would wander and wander, but it always ended up in the same place.

Something had changed him the past summer, more than he had realized. Or maybe, he hadn't been changed, he had just been blinded by years of laughing and joking, and what happened last summer had merely brought him back to reality. If only he knew what that reality was. Whatever it was, it was the only thing that could make anything about the way he was feeling make sense.

Remus blindly sat up, pulling the crimson curtains around his bed open. He looked around the dark room, feigning indifference to the moonlight that streamed through the window, casting its silvery shadow across his bed.

Remus sat quite still, listening absently to the breathing of his sleeping friends. A drowsy giggle came from James's bed. Remus stifled a smile, which quickly faded as his eyes focused on the glowing red numbers floating above James's bedside table.

Three twenty-four. And he still hadn't been to sleep, though not for lack of trying. He'd been lying in bed since eleven, but his mind wouldn't rest. His body was crying out for sleep; every part of him was aching. A dull pain shot through his thin arms and wound around his stomach, finally settling in his head. He rubbed his wrist with stiff, rough fingers, trying to relieve the blank soreness in the joint. He needed sleep.

The full moon was tomorrow. He shuddered as a terrible chill washed over him. That was probably why he couldn't sleep. But, he reminded himself, he'd had a hard time sleeping every night for the past week.

His mind was racing, the same as it had been all week, dominating and overpowering itself with what seemed like every bleak thought ever created. It never failed. Every time he was alone, especially at night, when there was nothing to distract him, his head would be overrun with horrible thoughts and images, each of them swirling together, blurring into one giant, gooey mess of sad. He hated who he was, who he had become. But then, he hadn't become anything. He was exactly the same as he was before the previous summer.

But before, he had considered himself somehow... separate from the creature that routinely embedded itself in him. Even after what had happened last year, when he could have easily killed Severus Snape, and this summer when he nearly fatally wounded his father, he had been the victim. He had been innocent.

But now he knew better. He wasn't just some unlucky, guiltless boy who was routinely victimized by a horrendous monster. He was the monster. Evil wasn't just lurking uninvited inside of him, waiting each month to come out and kill. Evil was very much a part of him. He had been guilty all along. He had to convince himself. It would explain everything. He had to make himself believe it.

At his own pressing, the guilt plagued him. He felt guilty for lying to himself, for making himself think that he was capable of... of anything. Of friendship, love, trust, honesty... He felt guilty for lying to everyone else. Especially his friends. No. The people he, in his malevolence, had fooled into believing the same lies he had once made himself believe. He was fooling himself right now. Monsters weren't capable of guilt. Maybe that was why it was so hard to force the feeling upon himself.

And tomorrow night he'd have to do it all again. All alone.

There. That thought stirred up something painful, though it wasn't quite guilt. He decided to go with it anyway.

He hadn't asked for this. This pain. A lump was growing in his throat.

James laughed groggily again. Remus's lips flickered, this time not in a smile, but pursed in annoyance as he yanked the curtains around his bed shut.

There was a rustling of sheets coming from his left. "Mm... Moony, you awake?" came Sirius's slurred, sleepy whisper.

Ignore him. Remus silently lay down, keeping his breathing as quiet as he could. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep bitter tears safely locked behind his eyelids. It wasn't fair. Things hadn't always been this way. He had been just like everyone else once. Just a few months ago, even. But now... Why did this always have to happen? Why couldn't he let himself go? A gasp escaped his lips as his tears broke through their feeble dam. He covered his mouth with his hands, holding his breath to prevent any more sounds.

"Remus?" Sirius whispered again.

Remus slid his hands up to cover his whole face in another attempt to hold back the embarrassing tears. He drew in a quavering breath. He didn't like this. He didn't want this. Why couldn't he stop himself? He gave in to the silent sobs, his shoulders shaking with each breath as he curled his knees up to his chest.

Sirius sat up on the edge of his bed, peering through his red curtains into the darkness. His face was laden with concern and confusion as he listened to Remus's ragged breathing, wondering whether he should go over to him. After sitting poised to stand up for several minutes, Sirius finally decided that it would be way too awkward.

Sirius lay back down, hugging his pillow as he frowned. He didn't get Remus. Something was different. Maybe it was more serious than he'd thought. He'd try to ask Remus about it tomorrow. But for now, it was high time to make sleeping.

* * *

Sirius stared blankly ahead at the rows upon rows of books in front of him, his head propped on one hand. He drummed his fingers on the table, his attention flickering over to a group of whispering Hufflepuff girls sitting a few tables away. 

One of them caught his eye, blushed, and turned away.

Sirius rolled his eyes as he leaned back in his chair. His brow furrowed as he surveyed the sandy-haired boy sitting across the table from him. Today had been kind of awkward. He'd spent the whole day pretending that everything was dandy, despite the fact that he now had concrete proof to the contrary. Remus had almost certainly been crying last night. Never in the entire course of the Marauders' friendship had any of them cried, as far as Sirius knew. Well, except for James, who, in third year, had got bashed in the head with a bludger during a Quidditch match and promptly started crying like a girl. Sirius grinned, letting out a short, quiet chuckle as he reminisced on that beautiful hour. He realized with a shake of his head that he was digressing. His eyes refocused on Remus. The important thing was that Remus was clearly having some kind of trouble and Sirius had only a vague idea what it was and had no idea how to fix it.

"What's funny?" Remus muttered distractedly, the delay in his question due to the fact that he was thoroughly immersed in a tattered, stained, massive book.

"Oh," Sirius sniggered again quietly, "Nothing."

Another long pause passed, during which, Sirius anticipated Remus's distracted demand to know what he had laughed about. Remus always did that. He hated it when people didn't let him in on things; he'd always get this cute annoyed look when they wouldn't tell him something. Sometimes, Sirius would do it on purpose just to see that look. He glanced over at Remus. No inquiry. No cute disgruntled expression. Sirius, rather put off by the other boy's disinterest, laid his head on the table, pillowed by his arms.

Remus was definitely being weird. Nearly every night of the one month they'd been back at school, Remus had made some excuse to be by himself. Sirius frowned. He didn't like it. Remus was making him feel unwanted, like their usual Marauding suddenly wasn't good enough for him anymore. Sirius Black was never unwanted. Especially not by the only person he actually wanted to want him.

He made up his mind quickly. He would find out for sure what was troubling Remus and he would make it better. Then everything would be back to happy.

"Moony?" Sirius looked up at the other boy from where his head rested on the table.

He watched Remus's hazel eyes flick over a few lines before he replied, "Hm?" Remus resumed reading.

"What's wrong?"

There was another delay. "Nothing. I'm studying." Sirius's eyes were on Remus's, which were still focused on the book, although now they were staring motionlessly. He had stopped reading.

Sirius wasn't quite sure what to say next. "Erm... Stop."

Remus vacillated for a moment. "I'll fail."

"You can study later."

"No," he muttered distractedly, dropping his voice to a barely audible whisper, "Full moon's tonight. I have to be outside by seven, remember?"

Sirius dropped his voice as well, grinning, "Well, tonight, we'll just stay in the Shack and quiz you or something."

Remus shook his head, still looking at his book.

"What?" Sirius felt slightly put off at not having got a positive response.

"You guys aren't coming," he whispered inattentively.

"What? Sirius blurted loudly. "Why?"

The steady whispering of the nearby girls immediately hushed as they peered over at the two boys. After a moment, their whispering resumed in full force.

Remus shook his head again.

"Why?"

Remus stared down at his book, shrugging slightly.

"Why? You're not serious!"

"Shh..." Remus had taken notice of the group of girls, who were now attempting to discreetly stare at them.

Sirius stared hard at him. "Remus."

"Hold up." Remus's eyes focused on a different spot in his book to give the illusion of reading. Sirius was still watching him too closely to be fooled.

Sirius was silent for a moment, waiting for Remus to come around and start talking.

Remus's eyes still weren't moving.

Sirius was starting to get angry.

Remus frowned, feeling Sirius's hot eyes boring into his. He glanced away from his book, cringing slightly at the look Sirius was giving him. "What?"

"Stop being an arse," Sirius growled as he got up jerkily, his chair making a loud scraping noise as he pushed it out of the way. Before Remus could say anything, he was gone.

Sirius stopped when he was behind a bookcase, out of view, noting with some satisfaction that the Hufflepuff girls were now unabashedly gawking at Remus, trying to figure the cause of the sudden dramatic commotion. He walked over to the far end of the shelf, where Remus wouldn't see him as he peered slowly over the edge.

Remus sat staring in the general direction of the library door, purposefully ignoring the gaping girls, who were now whispering rather intensely. He turned back toward his book. He stared at it for a moment before letting it slump flat on the table. He stared at a spot on the table, a blank expression on his face as he crossed his arms across his chest.

One of the on-looking girls giggled. Sirius felt a pang of guilt. He'd sure done a great job of making Remus feel better. But then, Remus deserved it. He was the one who had thwarted his attempt to be considerate, and not to mention that the very idea of not letting them transform with him was blasphemous. It was completely and utterly outrageous.

Remus's shoulders rose and fell sharply as he sighed.

For a few long moments, Sirius stood silently watching him. After a while, Remus stiffly got up, casting an embarrassed glance at the group of girls as he slowly put his books into his bag. Finally, he slung his bag over his shoulder, looking at the ground the whole way as he made haste toward the exit.

Sirius stood for a while after he left, contemplating why, exactly, he cared so much about Remus, anyway.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Yay! I'd love to know what you think... 


	4. Isolated

Teenage Witch - hehe I'm glad you like it and I hope you keep reading! thanks so much for reviewing! Ryyne - haha it just felt like it needed a half. Awesome. I'm glad you're still feeling it. I hope I don't let you down . butterflywings32 - It's me? Aww... I feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I gave you indigestion 3 I'm glad you're liking it more this time around. And the Monty Python reference was pretty vague... when it's all "...when he nearly fatally wounded his father." See? Vague. It made me giggle while writing it, though, and that's all that counts. Haha, I slipped in a pretty bad Outsiders reference later in the story, though... I'm not sure I'm going to keep that one in. It's too obvious. Like... it'll completely ruin the mood of the scene for anyone who gets it. Bwahaha it's hilarious, though. What a sad, sad life I lead... embersandenvelopes - Yay! Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad the suspence thing is working, even though that was really unintentional. I hope I don't let you down, haha. hydraspit - Haha, well... to Sirius's defense, it _is_ an awkward situation... hehe. I dunno. Thank you, thank you for the alert and for reading! Woohoo. Verispellis - :hands you a high-quality baked weasel: As I told butterflywings32 up there, the Monty Python reference was a bit vague to say the least. It was really just for my own personal amusement x.x;; Sun Flower Seeds - Ooh, well, that is a compliment, now, isn't it? I'm glad I made you want to review. I'm really terrible about reviewing, myself, but it is seriously the only way I know anyone is even reading my stuff. And I'm especially glad you like it. I hope you keep reading! Onigami Nanashi - Hmm... It's not rape, if that's what you're thinking. I tend to stay away from rape, as I firmly believe that if you do fics about tough issues like that, you should get it right, and I don't think I'd be able to get it right, as neither I nor anyone I know has been through that. It's just too sensitive a topic for me to feel comfortable with, I guess. If that's even what you were thinking, haha. I don't know. I really hope I don't disappoint people with the summer thing, because what actually happened is really more or less irrelevant to the plot. This story is about after effects and the impact on their relationship and by transit, each of them individually. I dunno. Um. I love you. bridit - Haha, I seriously thought about using some Good Charlotte lyrics for this chapter. I even looked them up and everything. But then I realized that that would mean that I'd actually have to read them, and if I read them, I'd want to make sure the tone of the actual song was right, which means I'd actually have to _listen_ to Good Charlotte... Ugh. Anyway, I don't think I want to attract the Good Charlotte type audience to this fic. They're too young and impressionable and feeble-minded. This fic would probably make them think it's cool to be all angsty and such. Ugh. I'll be sure to stick with music that I, personally, like. Yay! Leftover Jackson - Aw, man. Micheal Jackson got off! I'm guessing your name doesn't refer to him, but it still reminded me. I'm glad he got off. I think he's messed up big time, but not in a evil-menace-to-society kinda way. People just need to leave the poor guy alone. Haha, anyway... thanks for reading! And especially thank you for the review and the favorite! Captain Oz - Yay! You get a prize. Thank you for reading! Hope you stick around to see what's a'gunna happen... Alexis-Greenleaf - Aight. cray-lil-nae-nae - Thank you, thank you!

* * *

Okay... I'm really, really sorry about the delay on this one. Firstly, these past two weeks have been busy as hell and full of emotional turmoil. That always tends to put a damper on my productivity. Which leads me to my second reason... Since I haven't really been too productive, I haven't really felt like I've gotten any good writing done, and I have no beta to reassure me/edit me in my time of doubt, which makes me less confident of my writing, which makes it harder to write, etc. It's a vicious cycle. Very vicious, indeed. Hmm. On that note, would anyone like to beta for me? You guys know what my writing is like, and I'm sure you all have your own opinions on what I need to work on... I'd love to hear it. Any takers? It would probably do a great deal to prevent another long lapse in update time such as this one... You know you want to. :wink wink: Anyway...

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Ehh... This one's pretty family-friendly. Except where I say 'fuckin'' on the next line.

Disclaimer: Harry fuckin' Potter belongs to J.K. fuckin' Rowling. The lyrics are **Again I Go Unnoticed **by **Dashboard Confessional**. 'Tis a good song.

I find it highly arousing when people review. Just a fun fact.

* * *

_Please tell me you're just feeling tired  
Cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break  
Out of touch, out of time  
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed  
Cause I can't read your rolling eyes  
Out of touch, are we out of time?_

_Close lipped  
Another goodnight kiss  
Is robbed of all it's passion  
Your grip  
Another time, is slack  
It leaves me feeling empty_

_I'll wait until tomorrow  
Maybe you'll feel better then  
Maybe we'll be better then  
So what's another day  
When I can't bear these nights of thoughts  
Of going on without you  
This mood of yours is temporary  
It seems worth the wait  
To see your smile again  
Out of the corner of my eye  
Won't be the only way you're looking at me then _

_

* * *

_

Of course, one hour and fifteen minutes later, Sirius had forgotten all about being annoyed at Remus. He sat in the windowsill of the Seventh Years' dormitory, his forehead pressed against the cool glass as he watched Remus and Madame Pomfrey cross the grounds, their long shadows stretching out indefinitely behind them. The sun was just beginning to set. He had already told James and Peter what Remus said about not wanting them to transform with him, and they hadn't taken it any better than he had. Outrage and anger driven by concern. Right now, though, Sirius was only feeling the 'concern' part. Remus looked so small, so frail. Maybe it was just because of the distance, or the dim, warm sunlight. It was hard to be angry with someone who looked so vulnerable, so obviously terrified by the fact that he was on the verge of completely losing control of himself. And no one was even going to be there to comfort him. Sirius turned away, taking a slow breath as his eyes blankly darted around the dormitory.

* * *

"Moony," Sirius gently shook Remus's shoulder, "Moony."

Remus let out a vaguely confused groan as he turned over to see Sirius kneeling next to his bed. "Mrm... Hey." He was hoarse.

"Hey. Erm, how are you?" Sirius's brow furrowed automatically as he got a full view of Remus's face. He looked terrible. His eyes were bloodshot, with deep, dark circles underneath, a sharp contrast to the almost iridescent pallor of the rest of his flesh.

"I'm okay..." Remus's eyes fluttered closed for a moment before opening again. Suddenly, he pushed his blankets down to his waist. "What time is it?"

"Oh. It's just after breakfast–"

Remus groaned again, pulling the blankets back up.

"I didn't mean to wake you up so early, but–" Sirius cut himself off, "Is your arm okay?"

Remus glanced down at his left arm, which was bandaged from wrist to elbow, before shutting his eyes again, sounding groggily annoyed, "I dunno."

"What happened?"

Remus shook his head slightly from where it lay on his pillow, "Don't remember. I'll figure out eventually..." He lay still. For a moment, Sirius thought he had fallen back asleep, when he opened his eyes again, looking up at Sirius. "What?" His voice was still slurred and weak, "Am I s'posed to be up or something?"

"No," Sirius shook his head, "No. Sorry. I just– I wanted to say I was sorry for yesterday. I couldn't stand it. I would have gone down to the Shack to tell you, but Prongs–"

"Wha...?"

"Y-yesterday," Sirius stuttered, thrown off by Remus's confusion. "In the library... I--"

"Ohh, yeah..." Remus rubbed his face, frowning. "Sorry. Just got... you know... Just, um..." he covered his face with his hand, shaking his head to remember what he was trying to say. "Mmm... Confused, is all. You know... I--"

"I know. It's okay. I know. And I'm really sorry to wake you up so early. It's just... all last night, I felt so terrible. It was like I couldn't even think or breathe or anything, I was so worried about you. And so sorry for how I got mad when we were in the library yesterday. I was just hurt, you know? And worried. I really, really didn't want you to transform by yourself, tonight, and I would have come down there with you, except Prongs and Wormtail wouldn't let me. They said you said you didn't want us, and we should respect that. I just... I can't do that, Moony. -- I don't mean that I can't respect you -- that's not what I meant -- just that I can't leave you alone and not worry. I'm really sorry. Yesterday, I mean, I was just...just..." he trailed off as he noticed that Remus's eyes were closed again. "Moony?"

Remus didn't respond.

Sirius sat back, observing him for a moment. Remus's breathing was slow and steady, his lips parted slightly. Sirius sighed, smiling slightly. He was kind of glad that Remus had fallen back asleep. Hopefully, he'd missed the greater part of his apology. It might have proven embarassing, anyway. But still... he felt he ought to do something. He was positive that he wouldn't be able to make it though the day without having some sort of meltdown unless he and Remus were all right. He looked over his trunk, then at James's clock. It was almost time for Potions to start. Slowly, he stood up, his eyes on Remus the whole time, who was, by now, obviously fast asleep. Sirius felt bad for waking him up. He had to think of something he could do quick, before he had to go to class.

* * *

It was a long while before Remus woke up again. He lay there for a moment, eyes shut in denial of his state of consciousness. Being awake was definitely not a good thing, at least not the day after the full moon, anyway. If he gave in and allowed himself to wake up, he'd start to feel. Every part of his body would start to throb. At first, the aching would be dull and manageable, but it would inevitably escalate into an excruciatingly sharp, mind-numbing pain. And then, in an effort to distract himself from the achiness, he'd try to move, and would promptly become very aware of all the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that covered his body. He'd lay there for a few more minutes, trying to block out the increasing pain radiating from his limbs as well as the stinging soreness of his wounds. And then, somehow or another, he'd have to get up, get dressed, and try to fight off blacking out long enough to walk all the way across the castle to the Hospital Wing, where he'd have to take various vile-tasting potions and have stinking, burning solutions put on his wounds. After a few minutes, though, they would numb the pain and he would be more or less all right, although still dead tired, for the time being. It was just those few minutes between the time when the solutions were applied to his wounds and aching limbs and the time when they began to work that was the trouble. During those few minutes, the pain would be completely unbearable. When he was younger, he would sometimes pass out, it hurt so bad. He wished he could still do that; it'd make everything go a lot faster and more pleasantly, but sadly, he had become stronger and able to endure more as he grew.

So, it was with good reason that Remus tried to hang on to unconsciousness for as long as possible. His arm was already starting to throb and burn. Damn it. It was too late. He rolled over. His eyes blinked open as he felt something unexpected in his hand. It was a small, folded piece of parchment. As his waking mind was reacting very slowly, he stared at it for a moment before he began to unfold it. His tired eyes began to ache as he forced them to focus on Sirius's handwriting.

_Moony - _

_Sorry I woke you up so early. I know you always feel like complete shit after the full moon. I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this. We all felt bad about not transforming with you, but you said you didn't want us to, so we respect that, even if it seems a bit daft. It's okay. I hope you're okay. Anyway, I really, really wanted to apologise for being a prat in the library yesterday. I was up all night worrying about you. It was productive, though, because I found where you'd got your assignments you'd be missing and I got them all done for you. I know how you hate it when we copy homework, but still... I wanted to do something to help, since I couldn't be with you last night. Feel better. Now._

_--Padfoot_

_Oh, yeah. I like you and you're hot._

Remus grinned, at least temporarily glad to be conscious.

* * *

That feeling didn't last long, though. He could pinpoint the exact moment when he stopped feeling euphoric contentment and had abruptly started feeling like complete shit. Strangely enough, it was right after he'd begun to feel better physically. Maybe the physical pain had just been distracting him. Sure, his whole body felt like he was about to implode from the sheer force of the pain, but the physical pain was nothing. It didn't really make you feel bad, especially when you had something to be happy about, such as when you have concrete evidence that the person you love cares --really cares-- about you. That was nice. It really kept the pain superficial.

It was strange. His lightened spirit had given him the strength to haul himself out of bed and, though he was cringing the whole way, up to the Hospital Wing. Once the medicines were applied, he went straight back to the dormitory to rest again. It was about the time he got back that he really noticed that the pain was fading away. Shortly thereafter, although he didn't immediately notice, a sinking, crushing feeling that had nothing to do with his wounds manifested itself in his chest.

And it grew. A few seconds passed, and his eyes focused blankly on his freshly rebandaged arm. He felt strangely subdued, though he wasn't yet able to tell that any change had taken place. After a few minutes, though, he gave in to the feeling unquestioningly. He lay staring straight up at the ceiling. It was like he was being drained. He felt empty. It was terrible. Ten minutes, and he was beginning to miss feeling empty.  
Now, he just felt terrible. He was tricking himself again. He had to be. Why else would he just suddenly start feeling so bad? Twenty minutes. He reread Sirius's note. There really wasn't anything extraordinary in it, nothing that proved any sort of deep, profound caring. Only guilt. The only thing he made Sirius feel was guilt. He shouldn't feel guilty. What did he have to feel guilty about? Remus was the one who should feel guilty. He should. He was the one who was this thing that did these terrible things and made people worry about him, when it was his own damn fault anyway. Why should they worry when it was his own fault? Thirty. Maybe he was better off locked away from everyone. Forty-five. There were tears in his eyes. Stupid tears. All because of a stupid memory that probably wasn't really all that bad. He was just stupid.

_Remus was drenched in sweat, laying on his back on the cold, stone floor of his basement, one arm slung over his face to block out the sunlight streaming in from a single, tiny window near the ceiling. His other hand loosely clasped a book he'd been trying to read. It hadn't been open for nearly an hour now, though. He just couldn't concentrate enough to make his eyes jump from word to word. All he could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling, but even that had become too much, and he had to cover his eyes. God, he was worthless. He really was. What if he had to stay like this forever? What would be the point? There was none._

_"Remus?" His mother's voice called from the other side of the basement door, accompanied by a knock. "I'm coming in."_

_Remus didn't move. There was no point._

_Footsteps descended the short stone staircase. "What are you doing on the floor like that?" She crossed the small room, setting something down on the table in the corner._

_"It's hot."_

_She sighed, "I know. I'm sorry, Remus. I've talked to your father about--"_

_"I know," he interrupted softly, feeling that it was useless to put enough effort into it to ensure that he was heard clearly._

_"And he's said--"_

_"I know, Mum."_

_Another exasperated sigh. "Well, do you want me to bring you anything? Some ice or--"_

_"No."_

_"A tea or--"_

_"No," he said a bit more emphatically._

_Silence. "You know, we're doing everything we can to help, but if you--"_

_"Okay."_

_She hesitated for a moment before saying, "I don't like you being down here any more than you do, Remus--"_

_"Right."_

_"But you don't have to lay there moping about like a dead thing, trying to make us feel guilty for doing what's best for you."_

_Remus didn't respond._

_She sighed again. "Your dinner's on that table when you want it. Goodnight, Remus." Her footsteps disappered up the stairs, the door clicking shut behind her._

_Remus continued to lay still, his arm covering his eyes. His heart beat blankly for a moment._

_He felt vaguely guilty, though he wasn't sure why._

_His mind was racing. Something was suffocating him. Something. He could feel the physical pressure bearing down on his chest, wrapping around his throat. He allowed his arm to limply slide off his face, the brightness of the room hurting his eyes even through his shut eyelids. It was just so hot. Maybe that was why he felt bad. Maybe that was why his mind didn't seem to be working properly. It was having a hard time forming coherent thoughts: everything was swirled together, and when he tried to separate his ideas out from one another, they were lost. The only ones that didn't get lost were the ones that were obviously bad. This would never stop. He might as well lay there for the rest of his life. _

See? It was stupid. It hadn't seemed stupid at the time, though. And it didn't feel stupid now, even if it actually was. He felt the same way now as he had then. Isolated. Worthless. Bothersome. Guilty. Stupid. It was stupid.

* * *

"Moony! How you feeling?" James called as he and Sirius burst into the dormitory a few hours later.

"Better," Remus nodded. He was sitting up in bed, a book laying open on his lap. "Peter still downstairs with what's-her-face?"

Sirius laughed, "Yeah. You know, you should eventually consider learning her name..."

"I do know it," he grinned. "It's just more fun this way."

"Yeah, well, don't call her 'what's-her-face' around Wormtail," James said seriously as he headed for the washroom.

"I don't. How come, though?"

Out of sight, James laughed, speaking loudly over the sound of a running tap, "Padfoot, remember what he did last time we called her that to his face?"

Laughing, Sirius sat down on the foot of Remus's bed as he yelled back to James, "Yeah. I can't believe he made such a big deal out of that."

"What happened?" Remus refused to let himself start to feel stupid and isolated again.

Sirius turned to Remus, shaking his head slightly, "Nothing, really." Sirius quickly changed the subject as Remus frowned. "So, how's your arm?"

"All right."

Sirius hesitated for a moment, expecting Remus to continue the conversation in some way or another, but when it became obvious that all he was going to do was stare at his hands, Sirius continued, "That's good. You're not hurt anywhere else, are you?"

He shook his head, "Not really. Well," he took a deep breath, "I guess my legs are chewed up pretty bad." He shrugged, lightly brushing his hand over his chest. "And I've got a huge claw-mark all across here."

"Moony..."

"What? I can't help it!"

"I know. I just really wish you had let us go with you." He reached out tentatively toward the other boy. "Here, let me see your arm."

"I've still got it bandaged up..." Their eyes met. After a moment of looking rather doubtful, Remus pushed up his long sleeve and began unwrapping the white cloth that covered his forearm.

"God, Moony..." Sirius took his hand, furrowing his brow as he stared down at the ripped and frayed flesh. "You really did a number on yourself this time..."

Remus looked embarassed. "It looks a lot worse than it actually is. It's fine."

"Does it still hurt?" He didn't give him time to answer. "Is your chest that bad? We should have gone with you."

"No. It's fine. It's fine..." He shut his eyes, leaning back against his headboard, "I'll be fine."

Sirius surveyed him suspiciously, his brow furrowed. "I just hate seeing you like this."

"I'm fine."

Sirius let out something halfway between a laugh and a scoff, "So you said."

Awkward silence. Remus could feel himself start to slip away.

After a while, James emereged from the washroom. "What're you guys up to?"

"Nothing," Sirius said quickly.

"Oh. Right." Even James seemed to feel awkward. "Well, I'm going to go find Peter and drag him back up here," he shook his head as he made his way out the door, saying halfway to himself, "We've got to get that map back... Would make this so much easier..."

The door clicked shut behind him.

Remus looked up at Sirius. "I--uh... Your note. This morning," he clarified unnecessarily, smiling. "Thanks."

Sirius grinned.

* * *

I was serious about that beta thing. Any takers? Please review. Pleeease? 


	5. If Anyone Knew

Oh-so-sexy... crazy-lil-nae-nae - woot. thanks much. hope you keep reading sofie - thanks you thank you! yes, yes the humor is very important. i like to slip in little inside jokes in really inappropriate places, but usually i'm the only one who gets it, so it's ok. err... Captain Oz - Hehe yoooda Dark Angel's Blue Fire - Sirius and James? what about Peter? hehe i love how i somehow manage to avoid peter for like... 90 of this fic. it's so silly. hydraspit - woohoo. you'll have to keep reading to find out! bwahaha. sorry for making you wait butterflywings32 - aww... well thanks for the thought, and for reading. you're a badass. Versipellis - hrm... Albino Redneck - thanks thanks. i don't think i quite got what your email address was, so... thanks for reading. Lykaios Nyx - thank ye. _you're_ a good chapter. Liv Naravul - i figure, realistically, when people get all 'woe-is-me'y they tend to not act. think hamlet or the like. angstinaction. but yeah... it'll pick up soon once i feel like it's properly established lol. thanks thank thanks heart bridit - haha it's more than entertainment... it warms my heart like a burnin' fire. haha yeah... good charlotte isn't a real band. they're a product designed to mass-produce a counterculture so little kids can be all "i'm different like everyone else i think i'll go scratch my wrist with a safety pin so people will think i have problems because people who have problems are different." err... i could go on and on and on about that and about how hot topic is evil (although it's getting better... they're now trying to weed out the younger 'poseur' type thing it's become a symbol of... expect a much cooler hot topic by the end of the year x.x;; becuase i'm sure you care... lmao) uh. anyway. i think i've proved my point that i need to hush before i go on a full-fledged rant. but what did you mean by 'huge'? I've tried to make the angst very realistic, based on personal experience and lots and lots of research, so hopefully it won't make anyone roll their eyes like i do at so many angst fics... yay! Onigami Nanashi - aw man, i didn't even think about my foul language x.x I was more thinking about angst-content... hrm hrm hrm you are loved, and you've just about got it right... by this point and in subsequent chapters, though, i think most of his angst comes from angst itself. that tends to happen. one thing happens to cause distress, and it just keeps building and snowballing until it's ridiculous and you forget what even started it in the first place... err. anyway, you're hot. DeAtHsTeNsHi - awesome. i think this definitely qualifies as angsty/romance, but less romance and more angst. awww i'm glad you added me to favorites. it makes my heart sing with joy. tralala.

* * *

Uhh... Sorry for the lengthy gap between updates. I'm easily distracted. I'm sorry x.x;; I still love all of you with a burning passion deep within my loins, though... Oh, baby.

* * *

Title: To Be 

Rating: T is for Teriffic!

Warnings: Pseudo-family-friendly. Fuh fuhfuh.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling isa badass. And the6th book comes out in uh... a very small amount oftime x.x Ishould probably figure that out, seeing as how I have a copy reserved and all... And lyrics - Thursday - This Side of Brightness. Glorious song, glorious band... if you're into that pussy whiny-ass emo shit (like me x.x). Check 'em out.

Oh yeah, um... If you review and leave your email, I'll sendyou a special prize.

* * *

_Break it off  
This searching for what we may never find  
And that says it all.  
I hope that we will make it through  
The heartbreak that comes with just living through one day  
All the good times that passed  
And all the friends we lose in a lifetime on our way  
Here in this life we seem so lost  
On this side of brightness we don't know where to go  
I hope that we can make it  
Through this night

* * *

_

Remus definitely seemed to get less weird after that. Or at least, after a few days, that's what Sirius thought. He couldn't put his finger on it, but it felt somehow like they were close again, like they had been the year before. Maybe it was because they'd had a good snog a few days ago, which was also something that hadn't happened that year. Until now, that is. It was good. Just in general, things seemed to be looking up.

However, after another few weeks of schooling, Sirius began to notice that they had fallen into a rather painful cycle. Remus would start acting weird again, so Sirius would try to help. Remus would then take Sirius's help and, somehow or another, throw it in his face, causing Sirius to get frustrated and say stupid things that only made them both feel worse. Sirius would then feel bad about making Remus feel bad and would promptly apologize. They would enjoy their happy reconciliation for a few days, even if Remus's half of the reconciliation seemed progressively more distant and pensive than happy. Sirius would notice this and once again, try to make Remus feel better, thus starting the cycle over.

To be perfectly honest, Sirius was getting rather tired of the whole thing. It was just... he really liked Remus. There was never a doubt in his mind of that. And the thing was, as the weeks went on and Remus got weirder and weirder, James and Peter just continued to act like they didn't notice. After all, that was what they had all agreed upon. After that first day of school, they had all decided that the best course of action was to wait for Remus to bring up his summer first. They didn't want to force him to talk about anything he didn't want to. And he never brought it up, so they all assumed that he didn't want them to know, that he wanted everything to carry on as normal. So they tried to make it as normal for him as they could.

Except, it didn't seem to be working. Sirius was sure that James and Peter had noticed how moody and absent Remus had become in the past few weeks, and they were just sticking to their philosophy of, "If he wants our help, he'll ask for it." They just didn't want to force him into anything. So they didn't seek him out when he made excuses to be by himself, or try to get him talking when he was sitting there looking vacant.

Sirius couldn't really blame them. Remus seemed to be determined to drive everyone away, and he was definitely doing a good job.

But Sirius would not be driven away. He cared about Remus too much. And he knew him too well to think that he really wanted to drive everyone away. But that still didn't change the fact that he was tired of always being brought down. Remus was definitely a downer these days. However, Sirius theorized that Remus was probably downing himself a lot more. And knowing Remus, probably a lot more than he was willing to let on. That was why Sirius couldn't just follow James and Peter's example and walk away, no matter what portion of his mind wanted to.

* * *

"Hey, Sirius," James said as his hazel eyes flicked over the piece of parchment in his hand, "Mum says she got another letter from your mother." 

"Oh, god," Sirius muttered, pushing his plate of half eaten toast away. "What did she want this time?"

Remus looked confusedly at James.

"Says she's rounded up the last of your stuff and she'll be sending it to my house next week."

"Ugh. I'm so sorry. Is your mum okay with that?" Sirius sighed heavily, kneading his forehead with his knuckles.

"Mm. Yeah. Says for you not to worry about it, she's more than glad to have you, our home is your home, she's deeply sorry about your family troubles, and--," James read from the letter. "Here, why don't you just read it?" He reached across the table, handing the letter to Sirius. He pointed at the third paragraph, "That's where it starts talking about you."

"Thanks," Sirius said, his brow furrowed as he read. James and Remus watched his face attentively as it grew more and more disgusted looking. Peter was turned around in his seat, talking excitedly to a pretty Ravenclaw girl, completely oblivious to everything else around him.

Finally, Sirius finished reading the letter and handed it back to James, frowning. "Remind me to write to your mum tonight and apologise."

James shook his head. "No, no. She really doesn't mind."

Sirius sighed, "Stupid bitch. –Mine, not yours," he added in case of any confusion as to whose mother he was insulting.

Remus silently stared at the table as James and Sirius continued talking, feeling very stupid for not knowing what any of this was about.

The hall erupted into chaos as the bell rang, signalling the end of breakfast as students pushed their way through the masses to get retrieve their books for their first class. James made his way over to Lily Evans, as usual. She grinned when she saw him walking hastily towards her. Sirius smirked. Give James seven years and he can do anything.

"Hey, um, Sirius?" Remus said quietly as they walked together toward the common room to get their books.

"Hm?"

"What's going on? With your mum and all...?"

"Oh. You didn't know? Did you not read any of the letters I sent you this summer?"

"Er..." Remus's stomach flopped around guiltily.

"Did you not get them or something?"

Remus looked at the ground as they were walking.

"Why would you do that, then? Don't you care about anything but yourself? No. You know what? Forget it. I'll just..." he sighed, trying to quell the anger and hurt feelings. "I'll just explain later."

Remus's chin twitched. There was a long silence before he quietly said, "I'm sorry." He felt stupid. He didn't understand himself sometimes. He was such a ridiculous, miserable person.

"It's okay." Sirius picked up his pace slightly, hoping that Remus had realised that it was definitely not okay.

* * *

Later that night, Sirius climbed through the portrait hole, entering the crowded Gryffindor common room. He paused for a moment, scanning the occupants of each squashy chair and sofa. Remus was nowhere to be found, as usual. James was sitting on a secluded couch talking to a giggling Lily. Peter was also mysteriously absent. Sirius was about to sit down with Justin Upchurch, a sixth year that he usually got on well with, when a surge of guilt hit him. He should go find Remus. He walked past everyone, up the spiral staircase, and into the seventh years' dorm room. 

"Hey," Sirius called, seeing Remus on his bed, several books spread out in front of him and a piece of parchment in his lap. "How come you're not downstairs?"

Remus looked up, smiling briefly as a greeting. "Too noisy. Where've you been?"

"Eh," Sirius shrugged, "Just around." He moved some of Remus's books over, sitting on the foot of his bed. "What areyou writing?" he nodded at the parchment and quill in Remus's hand.

"Oh. Nothing. Just a letter."

"To who?"

"My mum." Remus hesitated for a moment before adding, "Asking if she has your letters."

Sirius looked puzzled, "Your mum has my letters?"

"Well, she was kind of taking up my post, I assume."

"What? Why?"

Remus shrugged.

"So, that's it? She wouldn't let you read your own mail?"

"I guess."

Sirius seemed rather outraged on his boyfriend's behalf. "Why? Even my mother would never do that! I thought your mum was nice!"

"She is."

"Then why wouldn't she give you your own mail?"

"I don't know. It's a long story."

Sirius furrowed his brow; "I have time."

Remus shook his head, "Don't worry about it."

Sirius sat still for a moment, trying to decide what he wanted to say first. "So... Why didn't you just tell me? That you didn't get them, I mean. You could have said something months ago, and we could've filled you in..."

"I don't know. I just... I didn't want you to worry about me or anything," Remus stared down at his unfinished letter, avoiding Sirius's gaze.

"Because it's just the letters that's worrisome... not anything else about how you've been lately."

Remus pulled his long shirt sleeves over his hands before looking up at Sirius. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius looked at him incredulously, astounded that he would even have to ask something so obvious. He smiled awkwardly. "You... Uh..." he shrugged. It seemed to be one of those things that was so obvious it was beyond description. "You're not... yourself. Everyone's noticed it. James and Peter. They're worried about you. And tons of other people have been asking about you. You can't just shut everyone out like that, you know? It's not very nice."

Remus nodded.

A long, uncomfortable silence followed. Remus stared hard at his letter, trying to ignore the fact that Sirius's eyes were searching him.

"So... Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

Remus shook his head profusely.

"Why?" Sirius sounded deeply offended and irate. Obviously, he hadn't been expecting a 'No'.

"Stop," Remus's brow furrowed. "Stop asking me."

"What?"

"You're always asking me 'What's wrong?' or 'Why are you being weird?'" The pace of his words suggested he'd been wanting to say this for quite some time. "Stop. There's no... diabolical reason and... I'm not trying to trick you or anything or pull some... I don't know. Just stop asking. Please. It's annoying. And it doesn't matter, anyway."

Sirius stared at him, frowning in disbelief. "What doesn't matter?"

"Nothing. It's not your problem."

"So there is a problem, then?"

"I--No. No. Don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong, all right?"

"God, Moony, can't you try to stop being so damn selfish for just one second and see things from my point of view? I mean... every time you say something like that and just assume I don't care about you and act like there's nothing between us... it's a huge slap in the face." Sirius turned away. "And I always just have to assume you like me, but that's kind of hard when you go and act like the exact opposite."

"I don't mean to."

"Yeah. Well," Sirius sighed. "It still happens, whether you mean it to or not."

"Sorry."

"But... Okay, if something was bothering me, and I had been going around acting like death on legs for the past two months, wouldn't you be worried?"

"Yeah..."

"I wouldn't want you to be miserable over me, Moony. And if you wanted to help, I wouldn't just leave you in the dark. I'd tell you what was wrong. Because I care about you."

"You didn't tell me about the thing with your mother."

"Yes I did! I did in those letters... More than I've even told James, and he was in the middle of the whole damn thing!"

"But I still haven't read them..."

"So send that off to your mum and read them."

"I will. But, what happened? Just so you won't be leaving me in the dark, you know," a smile flickered across Remus's face.

"Eh..." Sirius waved his hand dismissively, disgust spreading across his handsome face. "Basically, me and my parents got in a fight and I invited myself to never set foot in their filthy house ever again."

Remus looked bewildered for a moment. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's alright. It's been--You know it wasjust a matter of time. James's parents let me stay with him." Sirius scratched his head, messing up his shining black hair, "It was actually a huge relief to get out of there... Well, you know how it was. You've had to listen to me bitch about them for seven years now."

"Yeah. So have you talked to any of them since then?"

Sirius shook his head, shrugging. "My mother sent a few letters to James's parents, mostly just to tell them that she was sending my stuff over. I guess the one she's sent today will be the last, if all my stuff's gone," he laughed dryly, his voice full of bitterness. "She sent one to me to tell me that I was, under no circumstances, to speak to Regulus at school."

"That's wretched... Well, have you?"

Sirius shook his head again; "I've found my old strategy of pretending he doesn't exist still works pretty well."

"How come you never mentioned any of this? I had no idea..."

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Look, I'm sorry. How could I mention something I didn't even know? And I already explained howmy mum—"

"Not about me, you doof. Or the letters. How come you never mentioned what happened to your father?"

Remus froze, his heart suddenly pumping very fast. "What?"

"Peter's dad works in Creature Injuries at St. Mungo's..."

"Oh. Right," Remus said blankly, crossing his arms to hide the fact that his hands were shaking. He tried unsuccessfully to make his tone sound offhand, "Um. Aren't—Aren't those things supposed to be confidential or something?"

"Well, yeah. He just came home one day and was all 'Hey, Peter, don't you have a friend named Lupin?' and Peter's all 'I sure do, Dad,' and his dad's like 'His father came in today looking pretty nasty,' or something."

"Mm," Remus nodded.

"But he has no idea you're— It was just the three of us that figured--"

"Right," Remus cut him off, standing up on wobbling knees. "I'm going to go mail this," he held up his shaking parchment as herushed toward the door.

"I'll come with you," Sirius got up, striding after him.

"No," he said erratically, yanking at the door handle, "No, thanks."

Sirius frowned as the door was slammed in his face.

Remus stumbled down the spiral staircase and into the common room.

"Hey, Remus!" James called over to him from where he was sitting amongst a crowd of other Gryffindors. "Come here with us! Where you going?"

Remus kept moving towards the portrait hole, his wide eyes only glancing toward James for a moment as response.

"What's wrong?" James had stood up and was walking towards him.

"Nothing. I'm--I'll be back," Remus shook his head fervently before climbing through the portrait hole, slamming it shut behind him and breaking into a run.

* * *

Remus was out of breath and clutching a rather painful stitch in his side after having run up two flights of stairs and down five long corridors to Professor McGonagall's classroom. He shoved himself against the heavy wooden door, the sound of his laboured breathing echoing in the dark, empty classroom. He wound around the desks towards another large door in the back of the room that led to the professor's private office. He knew she would often spend evenings in there marking papers, going over lesson plans or performing other teacher-ish duties. Tonight, however, the light was off in the small room. Remus's hand touched the handle. He paused for a moment, then stepped back, frowning. He didn't know where else the stern professor might be. His plan was to have Professor McGonagall take him to the headmaster, since he didn't exactly know where the headmaster's office was. He hadn't planned what he would do when he got there. Probably have a nervous breakdown, he surmised. 

The more he thought about it, though, it didn't really make a difference whether or not he got to talk to Professor Dumbledore. It still wouldn't change the fact that people knew about his father. Remus nervously patted his pockets. They were empty.

His thoughts started to race by quicker, almost faster than he could make sense of them. Dumbledore had promised him upon his return to school that he would see to it that no one knew anything about the attack, but obviously that hadn't worked out too well. He was sure that Peter, James, and Sirius would tell no one, just as they had told no one of his lycanthropy in the first place. However, if Peter's father knew, there was no telling how many countless others knew. It would have been easy enough to tell from his father's wounds that a werewolf was behind the attack. Hopefully, though, nobody other than the few that were closest to him knew of his monstrosity. Desperately, he pulled the door open and stepped into Professor McGonagall's dark, empty office. He could see just well enough in the dark to find her desk. He yanked one of the drawers open, blindly fumbling around inside it. Nothing but quills, ink, and paper.

Of course, the healers that had attended his father would probably have access to Remus's records, but it seemed kind of unlikely that a man's own son would be held in suspicion. But still, if anyone knew, they would probably be looking for a werewolf in the area. With shaking hands, Remus checked his pockets again, which were still empty.

A lump was growing in his throat, directly proportional to the increasing panic in his chest. If they knew what they were looking for, it wouldn't take them long to spot the signs in Remus. It was only a matter of time. He made a quick grab for one of the quills on McGonagall's desk. For a long moment, he stood fidgeting it around in his hands, listening to the ragged sound of his own breathing. With quavering hesitance, he set it back down.

He fell backwards against the wall, sinking helplessly to the floor.

Remus stared blankly into the dark office, for the first time fully realising just how little control he had over his own life. Everything that had begun last summer was burying him alive, closing in so tightly around him that he couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel.

But then, maybe feeling nothing at all was better than constantly being in pain.

* * *

Remember what I said about the special present for anyone who reviews? Doesn't that inrtigue you into leaving a lovely review? 


	6. Woodland Critter Christmas

Supaa-Hawt - **Versipellis - **What! I did something original? I didn't think that was possible. It's a crazy, crazy world... **hydraspit** - Yesss! I didn't keep you waiting this time. I hope that doesn't take the thrill out of it or anything... because I'm sure you're thrilled x.x;; **Albino Redneck** - Yeah, is dumm like that. Ooh, are you going on an exciting adventure? I want to go on an exciting adventure... **PleaForPeace** - Thank ya, thank ya. Hope this one is everything you dreamed it could be... hah. **shay** - Thanks! I hope you keep reading! **Onigami Nanashi** - Haha, yeah... I dunno. It seems like it could stand to be a bit more fucked, but I'm not sure exactly how... And nah, there's no Regulus. Sorry. I'm not sure what I'd do with him... Hmm... Well, I don't have the ending written out yet, so it's not too late. Any suggestions? **Sunflower Seeds** - Thank you! Hmm... a delightful surprise! Just out of curiosity, what did you think it was going to be? **Audrey G. Black** - Thank you much much much. Munch munch munch. Updated! Wow, that was really coherent. **Bloody Corsets** - Uhh... everything will be explained in time! I think. Probably. Maybe. Wink wink. You're extra special. **FangQueen13** - Hey, your name rhymes! That's cute. I've done lots of research on the emotions trying to get them right... like I even have charts and shit. And as I said before, everything will be revealed in time. Or something. **Leftover Jackson** - A while back? Like last year or thereabout? Hopefully it's improved since then. I've really been reworking it a lot. And it's 'aren't' x.x;; I probably wouldn't have noticed you misspelled it if you hadn't pointed it out, though hehe. I dunno. I feel kind of equally sorry for both of them, because Remus's situation and emotions are ubershitty, but Sirius has this whole helpless guilt thing going on... Or at least he should. I dunno if I'm portraying it well enough. A very Merry Unbirthday to you!

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: T is for tuberculosis

Warnings: Ehhh... shrug

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling. Nuff said. And the lyrics are Tears for Fears - Watch Me Bleed. The 80's were so fabulous...

You should probably review. Probably.

* * *

_Although my face is straight, it lies  
My body feels the pain and cries  
Here the table is not bare  
I am full but feeling empty  
For all the warmth it feels so cold  
For one so young I feel so old

* * *

_

Another week passed excruciatingly slow. The full moon had been that Wednesday, making the whole week completely unbearable. Remus really felt like he was losing his mind. He couldn't do anything. He felt sick whenever he ate, no matter how hungry he was to begin with. He couldn't get through a conversation with Sirius, James, or Peter without ending up feeling horribly awkward and uninteresting. By now, he usually just avoided conversation altogether, preferring instead to sit on the side and berate himself for his inadequacy. He couldn't do his schoolwork. He just couldn't seem to focus on anything well enough to actually learn something, and he seemed to be forgetting what he already knew. He couldn't sleep. Whenever he closed his eyes, strange and horrible images filled his head.

He supposed such little sleep and little food was what made that transformation one of his worst in years. Well, that, and the fact that, again, he had not allowed any of the other Marauders to join him. How could he? That would be... There were no words for how awful that would be. True, he was a living, breathing source of evil, but... somehow he felt like he should just confine the evil to himself. No one but him deserved to suffer, and he would suffer it alone if he had to.

So suffer it alone he did. He was covered in deep claw and bite marks, but he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't. When he'd woken up in the Shrieking Shack, his first coherent thought was that he couldn't let Madame Pomfrey treat his wounds. So, he'd found a broken mirror to look in and managed to wipe all the spattered, dried blood off his face and hands. He ripped his shirt up and tied strips of the dirty fabric around the deepest, bloodiest wounds, and changed into fresh clothes (his often were ruined, so it was useful to keep a spare change of clothes in the Shack). Then when Madame Pomfrey came down to get him, he told her that he hadn't been injured at all and didn't need her to clean him up. It was kind of hard to fake, but apparently she bought the act. God, he was hurt badly, though. Some of the gashes were so deep that he was still sore, still freshly bleeding nearly a week later.

* * *

The Monday following his transformation started out like any other miserable, tedious day, despite the fact that it was Halloween. Maybe it was because he was still hurting from his transformation, but he just couldn't get into the spirit of things. All the decorations and Halloween-themed pranks simply didn't sink in. It was just a day, nothing more. It was exactly the same as the one before it and would probably be the same as the next.

After only a few hours' sleep, Remus was awakened by Sirius, who informed him that breakfast was already halfway over. Remus told Sirius to go on and that he'd see him in class. He then fell back asleep for a good thirty minutes, woke up again and lazily got dressed, not even bothering to wear clean clothes under his black robes. He was several minutes late to his first class and was chastised accordingly by the teacher.

He spent his time in all his classes trying to persuade himself that everything was going to be okay, realizing that things were only going to get worse, feeling immensely guilty for ever involving other people in his disgusting life, trying to ignore and be ignored by Sirius, James, and Peter, and then feeling sorry for himself when they did ignore him, which brought him back to feeling guilty because he had no right to feel sorry for himself. But, mostly, he concentrated on the painful tugging in his chest, the strained feeling in his throat, the physical constriction he couldn't rid himself of. He was constricted. He was shoved into a corner. He had no way out of this. Ever.

Remus tried to keep his mind on the more mundane, manageable feelings of guilt and isolation to distract himself from that constantly solidifying knowledge that he had no way of escaping the war that was building within him.

In his last class, everyone was so excited, so ready for the Halloween feast that they could barely stay in their seats. Everyone was talking and laughing and he was just sitting there alone in his desk, staring at his book, vaguely wondering whether anything in the classroom would be any different if he weren't there. He tried to block out everything around him. If he could just imagine that no one else was there, he wouldn't feel so alone. Lost in his thoughts, his eyes blankly bore down into the meaningless text.

"Mr. Lupin?"

Remus snapped his head up to see Professor Skeffington looking at him from his desk at the front of the empty classroom.

"The bell's just rung..."

"Oh. I know," Remus said as he shut his book and stood up, wondering how long he would've sat there had he been undisturbed.

"Before you go, I'd like to have a word with you."

"Of course," Remus said blankly. He was in no mood for talks with professors.

"Well," Skeffington began. He stopped, looking across the room at Remus, who was looking more unkempt than usual. "Come up to my desk, Remus. No sense in shouting across the room, eh?"

"Sorry," he shiftily walked over to the desk.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about your grades."

Remus crossed his arms, frowning. "Uh, okay."

"Now, I've talked to your other professors, and they've all said the same thing. We all think that, you know... you're a smart boy, one of the top in your class, and yet you're doing... well, you're doing horribly. I've had you for seven years now, and I think I've gotten to know you well enough to say that this isn't like you at all. How do you think you're going to pass your exams if you're failing all of your classes?"

"I don't know," Remus said quietly. He didn't know why, but his chin twitched slightly as the professor went on.

"You barely missed passing your test last week, and you didn't even turn in your Dragon essay--"

"Sorry," he cut in softly.

"It's just not like you. If you need to come in for extra help, I'm sure any of your teachers would be more than happy to give it to you. You know, if you're having some kind of problem with the material..."

Remus nodded, disgusted at the fact that he didn't trust himself to talk without tearing up. He felt weak. He bitterly reminded himself that he _was _weak.

"And if there's something bothering you and you ever need anyone to talk to..."

"Thanks," Remus said harshly, frowning against his will. He turned away, flinching faintly as his voice broke, "Is that all?"

"Yes." He sounded unsure. "Unless you have anything you'd like to add..."

"No," Remus shook his head as he hurried to the door.

"Mr. Lupin?"

Remus paused in front of the large wooden door, but didn't turn around due to the fact that his vision was blurred with unshed tears.

"You know you can trust me if you need someone to talk to..."

"Thanks." Remus fled through the door as fast as he could, staring at the floor in self-disgust. He shut the heavy door behind him, allowing the tears to leak down his face as his eyes foraged the blank stone wall in front of him. Now that he was alone it was alright for him to be weak.

"What's wrong?"

Remus' heart flew into his stomach. He hadn't expected Sirius to be waiting out there for him. Definitely not alright to be weak.

"What's wrong, Moony?" Sirius sounded slightly alarmed as his hand reached out for Remus' arm.

"Nothing," came his strangled reply as he jerked his arm away, walking down the hall as quickly as he could in a vain attempt to ditch Sirius.

"Remus..." Sirius strode beside him, his worried eyes trying to catch a glimpse of Remus'. This was somewhat impossible, as Remus had his head turned away, halfway covering his face with one hand. Sirius was at a complete loss. He had no idea what to do. "Are you okay?" He rolled his eyes at his own stupid question.

Remus nodded vigorously, attempting to discreetly wipe his eyes.

"Erm... Do you want to go on to the feast?" Sirius thought it was a valid question, as they were presently walking in the opposite direction of the Great Hall, and he, himself, was quite hungry and quite excited about the festivities.

Remus shook his head.

"Do... you want to go to the common room, then?"

He shook his head again.

"Everyone'll be in the Great Hall... Probably until late..."

"Okay," Remus said weakly, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Okay," Sirius nodded as they both turned down the hall in the general direction of the Gryffindor common room.

They walked silently for a minute or so, Sirius uneasily listening to the sound of Remus' ragged breathing.

"I got your letters," Remus said suddenly, his voice breaking pathetically. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Oh... It's okay," he said reassuringly, sensing the guilt in Remus' statement. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm so sorry. I got them week before last." He choked, "I–I didn't know–"

"It's okay."

"I should have just told you. It just never seemed like a good time—"

"It's alright, Moony," Sirius cut him off. It was getting painful to listen to Remus talk. He'd heard him crying at night on an increasing number of occasions. But, somehow, actually being face to face with him made it seem like the amount of pitiful per gram had been multiplied by Avogadro's number. "Really. Don't worry about it. We can talk about it later if you want."

Remus nodded. He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment before saying disjointedly, "I—There's something I have to tell you."

"What?"

"I—I've—" He fell silent, suddenly losing his nerve. "Not now. I guess whenever we talk about your letters or something," Remus' voice was weak and hoarse as his tears slowly stopped.

"Alright," Sirius tried to sound comforting through his confusion.

* * *

Remus had gone to bed almost immediately after they reached the common room, exhausted from not having had proper sleep in weeks. He went to sleep feeling exceedingly stupid and embarrassed. He didn't understand why he had lost control like that. He hadn't been feeling particularly bad... Maybe it had just been the reality of someone other than Sirius noticing him. A kind of verification that what he felt was real. He had hoped, in the back of his mind, that this would all pass and he would learn to live with it or something, but now... Now that it was something perceptible to people other than himself, there was no fighting it. There was no point.

* * *

Reviews -- Me: "Maybe this isn't crap after all! I'm suddenly motivated to write more and update more frequently, as was the case with this chapter!" -- More story.

It's a lovely cycle, really.


	7. We're Still Alone

**Bloody Corsets** - Hehe... It'll be okay. He'll find out eventually. It's all good. Thank you for reading! **hydraspit** - Is it corrupt of me to feel that way? I mean, it's not like I'm writing it to get reviews... I'm writing it for my own personal enjoyment. Reviews just motivate me to want to do it quickly and post it on the internet lol. Thankee march. **Zaurak** - Ooh! Yes, Remus/Sirius is a highly sexy though... Yum. I'm glad you like. **Tatariku** - Nu? As in a mispronunciation of 'Ni'? Hehe, I hope so. Haha wow... **RonaldYHarry** - Thank you, thank you. _You're_ a very interesting bit ;) **Audrey G. Black **- Aww... but if they talk, but can they be all angst-ridden? Hehe, it's all good. They'll be okay. **Versipellis** - Yes, yes. I finished in nine hours, although not consecutively. I had to work and other not so fun stuff... But, I had this all ready beforehand, I just wanted to wait a few days before posting, as I figured everyone would be reading HBP and not reading fanfiction. **Ceyxa** - Thank you very much. It's very frustrating, isn't it? I've kind of been in both positions, and they're both terrible... Oh well. It's all good. Yay! **Baranwyn** - Aww... yeah. I wrote the first version of this story when I was really depressed x.x;; I'm glad you like it and think it's a good study, I just hope it doesn't have any ill effects on you. I don't want to trigger anything bad in anyone... Hrm. I'm sure everything will be alright with the characters, though :wink:... haha. **bridit** - Bush camping? Assuming it has nothing to do with George W. Bush, I'm not familiar with the term. Yeah. I know what you mean about things being too over the top. The events are unrealistic and the characters' reactions are usually even more off. Thank you! Whee! **sneak** - Yay! More! Thank you for reviewing! Eh, he'll find out eventually. **Millie** - Ooh :D Thank you! I hope you keep reading it. **Anonymous** - Completely anonymous reviews freak me out. I'm always scared that they're from my mother or something awkward like that... Thanks, though. :freaked out: **Onigami Nanashi** - Bad wolf. Hehe. **Ryyne** - Overseas? Which seas? Awesome. I'm glad you think it's going well. And about Remus... He's just faking it. Trying to be a good friend. :tries not to spoil anything: All I have to say is... Eww.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Hardcore fluffy slash action. If you dislike pretty boys innocently hugging and being cute, you probably shouldn't be reading this. But I'd rather you did.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling. Yeah. So, how about that new book, eh? Shame how Voldemort kills Hermione right after she confesses her love to Neville... and when Draco tried to kiss Harry? Holy crap, I didn't see that one coming. Hmm... I've found that people really don't like when I do that x.x;; I called one of my friends after I finished it and told him those things happened and he hung up on me... Oh well. He won't be mad when he realizes they're all lies. Except the thing with Harry and Draco kissing. That's totally canon. Seriously. Oh, and the lyrics are Evanescence. Don't judge me for it, though. x.x;; It's a good song. Really.

* * *

Pleaaase review! Everything I said up there is lies! Don't be sad at me... But you know probably already knew that. Surely no one's out there reading fanfiction when they haven't finished the new book...

* * *

_Lying beside you  
Listening to you breathe  
The life that flows inside of you  
Burns inside of me  
Hold and speak to me  
Of love without a sound  
Tell me you will live through this  
And I will die for you  
Cast me not away  
Say you'll be with me  
For I know I cannot  
Bear it all alone

* * *

_

Remus awoke suddenly, his whole body echoing with sharp pain. Slowly, he sat up. He had been having the most disturbing dream. There had been blood. It seemed like there was some sort of mirror, too. And wire. Wire cutting through flesh. His flesh. No, it had been cutting through his reflection. But still... It made him physically hurt to try to recall anything more.

James's clock read 2:26. He looked around into the darkness, as he usually did when he couldn't sleep, but didn't bother scooting out of the moonlight. He looked down through the patch of silvery light at the blankets covering his own body. There was blood everywhere. He looked at the floor. It was covered with blood. The walls were dripping. He shut his eyes, realizing they were just playing tricks on him. But even so, it was a bit on the disconcerting side.

He quietly got out of bed, pulling on a wrinkled sweater that lay on the floor. He tripped over Peter's hat rack in the darkness as he groped around for the door to the common room.

After descending the stairs, he plopped himself miserably onto one of the large couches. He hoped he hadn't woken anyone up with his knocking over of random objects.

Remus sighed and, once again, tried to remember his dream. It had been so morbidly realistic, but now he couldn't remember exactly what it was that was so grotesquely fascinating about it. He hated it when he couldn't remember his dreams. Suddenly, a creaking noise came from the staircase landing. Remus's head jerked around. A wave of relief washed over him as he saw Sirius walking into the common room, looking rather sleepy and disheveled.

"You scared me," Remus said quietly from where he sat on one of the red couches, sitting rather stiffly with his arms folded across his chest.

"Sorry," the other boy said as he plopped down next to Remus, yawning, "How come you're up?"

"Oh. Err... nightmare," he grinned embarrassedly. "Sorry if I woke you up."

"Nah." Sirius gave a dismissive wave of the hand. "It's all good. What were you nightmare-ing about?"

"I can't remember." Remus shook his head, his brow furrowing. "It was scary, though."

"Aww. Do you need a hug?" Sirius said mockingly, grinning.

Remus laughed, "Sure, why not."

"Aww, poor Moony..." Sirius's grin spread as he wrapped a tentative arm around the other boy's waist. It had been a while since they'd had any kind of physical contact at all. In fact, they hadn't had a good snog, or even kissed for that matter, in more than a month, much to Sirius's dismay. He guessed a month wasn't really all that long, but it seemed so unfamiliar now. Sirius was almost afraid to touch him, especially since every time he had tried to hold him or even get near him within the past few weeks, Remus would shrink away. That had been a bit of a setback for their physical relationship.

At the moment, however, Remus seemed to have forgotten his abhorrence to being touched, as well as his relentless bad mood. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling him close.

Sirius grinned, overjoyed.

Remus rested his head on Sirius's shoulder, sending a chill down his spine as he felt the other boy's warm breath on his neck. Sirius, in return, leaned his head against Remus's. He could practically feel Remus melt into him. Sirius placed a kiss on the back of his neck.

Raising a hand to lift some of Sirius's shining black hair out of his half-closed eyes, Remus was amazed at the warmth and security of being so close to the other boy. With one hand on the back of Sirius's neck and the other tightly clutching his back, Remus shifted on the couch so they were closer.

Sirius kissed the back of Remus's neck again. Remus's hands were roaming Sirius's broad back, his fingertips pressed tightly into the fabric of his thin t-shirt.

Sirius began to kiss Remus's neck repeatedly, the feel of Remus's hands driving him slightly, ever so slowly, mad.

"I can't--" Remus laughed quietly as he shifted again, "I can't seem to get close enough."

Sirius's arms tightened around the other boy.

Remus's eyes fluttered closed, then snapped wide open. Behind his eyelids he had seen, only for a split second, a man walking toward him in an oversized coat, his arms outstretched to embrace him. If the wild expression on the familiar face, his father's face, he realized in a flash, hadn't been disturbing enough, there was the rest of the body to do the job. His father's coat had been open, revealing a naked, skinless, bleeding body. Pink, bloody, muscle wrapped around white bones, blood freely dripping off the scattered flesh…

Remus felt Sirius's whispered words on his neck, "I just felt your heart speed up..."

Remus just stared down Sirius's back, finding the sight of his own hands pressed tightly against Sirius's grey shirt calming, though not enough to shake off the dreadful image. Maybe that had been in his dream. It seemed like it had been something along the lines of what he had just seen... He couldn't remember now. Remus clutched Sirius to him tighter than was really comfortable.

Sirius pulled away from their embrace. Remus lifted his head up, thinking that somehow Sirius had seen the image in his mind and, like himself, wanted to get away. Instead, as soon as he had lifted his head, he found his cheek being stroked by one of Sirius's smooth hands before searing lips met his own.

The passionate kiss that ensued proved distracting enough, though Remus dared not close his eyes. After a few intense moments, Sirius pulled away, leaving Remus's mouth feeling displeasingly empty.

"Do you ever get lonely?" Sirius whispered with a sudden urgency, his face still only inches away from Remus's.

"What do you mean?"

"Like now." One of Sirius's hands was gently caressing Remus's cheek, his thumb trailing over the other boy's lips.

Remus said nothing, looking into Sirius's grey eyes confusedly.

Sirius pressed his forehead against Remus's as he went on, "I mean... Like you said--you want to be close... but you can't seem to get close enough. Its like, no matter how close together we are, I always want to be closer or something... We're still alone..."

"Err. What?"

"I dunno... it's just... I can never know what you're thinking, and you can never know what I'm thinking. Kind of like... when we're so close, it's our bodies that are keeping us apart, and we're alone... I wish I could--There's just no way we could ever..."

Remus pressed his hands tighter against Sirius's back.

"I dunno... erm... senseless rambling... But you know what I mean, right?" He looked into Remus's hazel eyes. "I feel kind of... trapped inside myself. Because... as long as I'm with myself I can't be with you... or something." He furrowed his brow slightly.

Remus grinned, "That's pretty deep, there, Padfoot."

"Shut up," Sirius growled playfully, "I was being serious."

Remus laughed.

Sirius's heart leapt. Remus was almost... normal. He didn't dare comment on his observation, though. The whole 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth' thing. "I was being serious," he repeated, quietly laughing along with Remus.

"So was I!"

"No you weren't! You were mocking me!"

"I would never!" Remus laughed, trying to sound scandalized, as he tightened their embrace.

"Here, check this out."

Remus expected Sirius to do something impressive. Instead, Sirius merely lay down on his side, dragging Remus down with him.

"Bloody awesome," Remus grinned, shifting his arm under Sirius so that they were pulled close together again, their noses touching.

Sirius's lips found Remus's again, pressing hard in a fervent kiss. Remus responded, despite the fact that an unwanted twinge of panic had found its way into his chest. One of Sirius's hands was on his shoulder. Regardless of how he tried to ignore it, the feeling seemed to grow with direct proportionality to how ardently Sirius kissed him. Finally, the massive clump of wretchedness in his chest overpowered the feelings elsewhere that Sirius's kiss had been conjuring.

Remus abruptly pulled away, unsuccessfully trying to shake Sirius's hand off his shoulder in the process.

Sirius simply kissed him again.

Again, Remus pulled away, earning a soft, "What's wrong?" from Sirius.

"Nothing," Remus said.

Sirius's eyes flickered closed. Remus felt a rush of relief as Sirius lifted his hand off his shoulder to stroke Remus's cheek.

"Erm..."

Sirius's eyes slowly opened again.

"Thanks for um... for putting up with me," Remus avoided Sirius's gaze, a rather difficult task, as their faces were only inches apart.

Sirius smiled, "It's not 'putting up with'."

There was a short pause. "I love you." The words seemed to tumble out of Remus's mouth. He'd been holding them in for quite a long time now, and he supposed that he had simply dropped his guard and been unable to stop them. He felt kind of guilty. In one short hour he had managed to tear down all the barricades he'd been building around himself to keep Sirius out. But, somehow, he felt happier than he had in a long while.

Sirius lay silent for a moment before whispering, "I love you, too, Moony." Sirius's heart was pumping very fast; he was sure Remus could feel it. They had never said they loved each other before, or anything similar for that matter. Even the previous year, when they had been so incredibly close, they had never said anything beyond 'I like you a lot.' Sirius hated to admit it, but he felt as giddy as a schoolgirl.

This time it was Remus that kissed Sirius. His eyes flickered closed. No distressing image was there to greet him this time; only the comfortable darkness that excluded everything in the world but Sirius. Maybe things wouldn't seem so bad if he let Sirius in.

* * *

♥♥♥ You guys sock my rocks clean OFF! 


	8. Too Far

**RonaldYHarry** - For sure. They're completely canon. I have a theory that would explain his strange behaviour, but I shan't share it here lest I spoil it for anyone. Harry and Ron, I'm not too sure about... I dunno. I'll admit there's definitely some tension there hehe. Thanks for reeeeeeding! **bridit** - Haha yesss... Are you Australian? That's really cool. I'm American, sadly, and one of the few anti-Bushers in my area... It's kind of scary. Au naturale... you mean like nekkid? Sounds like fun... Yes, yes. It's not fun to be alone. Aww. Heart heart. **Audrey G. Black** - Yay. Fluff is grand fun... But not as much fun as angst. Bwhaha. **A Person Man Guy** - Woo! Yes, yes, it was a'gettin' time for some hot action (because that last chapter was hot action... x.x;;) Thank you! **Ceyxa** - Eloquence... Yeah. It is powerful. I actually took it from something my sister said a few years ago. We were talking about religion and shit and she said she thought that heaven would be where all people's souls mesh into one and we all understand and love eachother completely, and as long as we're all stuck in our bodies, we can't ever have that. It was just one of those conversations that really stuck with me. I dunno. Aww, I feel like we just bonded. Yay. **siriusly delusional** - Yay. Happy is good. Definitely good. **sesshomaruhasafluffytail** - Man, that penname was awkward to type lol. I'm in love with _you_ :wink: Teehee! **Bloody Corsets** - Floofy flarf flarf fluff. w00t! **hydraspit** - You're my hero. Truly. **Zaurak** - Haha, yesss... I'm glad. That little joke never ceases to amuse me. Awww I like huge, stupid grins. Yay! **butterflywings32** - Whenever I read your penname, I think of the Smashing Pumpkins song 'Bullet With Butterfly Wings'. 'Tis a really good song. :listens to it:D! Thanks for the review, and for compelling me to listen to fun music. **Versipellis** - Hmm. I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'dig the hearts'. I'll just assume that it's a good thing. Yay! Thank you so much, woohoo! **Ryyne** - Oh, oh, that's my favorite line from that chapter! OMG! No one has ever said anything about that before, and I'm so glad you did! Yesss! You win! Let's wed. **checkmarks** - So, I, uh, noticed that you wrote some Outsiders fanfiction. That's fucking awesome. I played Cherry in a production of that a few months ago. It was really one of the best experiences of my life. I love that book so much, and the play follows it almost exactly. Hot damn! I have screencaps from my play! Haha, yesss! They're sexy. I love you. **yllom21 - **_You're _unbelievably cute. Brewhaha! **tineryn** - Chapter eight! Huttah! Haha, well, if you're an angstRemus whore, this story is for you x.x;; So angsty, so angsty... **Baranwyn** - Fluff! Thank you, thank you, you're hawt.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13. Aduh.

Warnings: Hrm... floofy slash. Much angst. Seriously... If you're influenced by depressing stuff or if you have any problem with things triggering SI, please, please, please don't read this story. Know your limits. If you think reading about SI will make you want to do it, go read something happy about rainbows or bunnies or something. For the love of God. I know what I'm talking about :O Don't tempt yourself. If that's not an issue, though... enjoy:D

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is insane. SB/RL will always be canon! ALWAYS:slap: And the lyrics are _Thursday - How Long is the Night_. The phrase that I used... aw man. It makes me cry when I listen to it x.x;; Don't think any less of me lol.

I heart my readers. I want to sex up my reviewers. Oh, baby.

* * *

_I'm falling down  
__I'm falling down  
And you're not there to break my fall  
I shut my eyes when you're around  
I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice  
I'm falling down  
__I'm falling down  
And you're not here to catch my fall

* * *

_

Remus awoke to a sharp pain in the back of his neck. He vaguely remembered that he and Sirius had fallen asleep on the common room couch, thus explaining why he was, in fact, laying on a couch in the common room with his arms around a still-sleeping Sirius. Suddenly, he felt very uncomfortable. They were too close. Last night, he couldn't seem to be close enough, but now he felt awkward, invaded, panicked. He extricated his arms from around the sleeping boy, trying to come up with a plan for how he could get up without waking Sirius. He slowly lifted one of Sirius's arms from around his waist, carefully trying to back off the couch without falling.

After successfully removing himself from the couch, he glanced out the window. The sky was a vague, dark grey. It was almost dawn. He sighed, sitting down in a large chair across from where Sirius was sleeping. Remus frowned. What was he doing to Sirius? Last night shouldn't have happened between them.

He had decided last night that being with Sirius wasn't a bad thing, but now that he wasn't all caught up in the moment, he realized the fault in his thinking. He shouldn't do that to Sirius. He shouldn't lie to him; he shouldn't have told him that he loved him.

But... it hadn't felt like a lie. He had meant it, but it wasn't true. He wasn't capable of love. He was just lying to himself and, more importantly, to Sirius. He was always lying. Always. He sat for a while, silently brooding as he stared at Sirius's sleeping form. Perfect, shining black hair fell messily onto his perfect face. Sirius was perfect.

Remus felt a lump grow in his throat. He didn't want perfect. He couldn't stand the thought of it, especially when he stopped lying to himself long enough to realize how horrible he, himself, was. Well... no, he thought. He did want perfect. But that was only because he was selfish and greedy. It was more accurate to say that he didn't deserve perfect. He shouldn't do that to Sirius, who, although perfect, was obviously defective for liking him. It was probably just pity. He didn't need pity. He didn't want pity. He wasn't that low, was he?

He needed Sirius, though. He needed him more than he needed air in his lungs. Surely he'd last longer without air than he would without Sirius. Remus stared out the slowly lightening window, his jaw clenched tightly. He didn't want Sirius simply because he recognized how much he needed him. He'd fall apart without him; there was nothing else he could do.

Sirius would be happier without him. It was obvious how much it was hurting Sirius to be with him, to see him so upset all the time. He didn't want to hurt anyone. So, Sirius could be happy, and Remus would then be free to do whatever he wanted to himself without worrying about it affecting anyone else or having anyone else stop him. He could be free to unravel, to get lost in his wretchedness without anyone to pull him out.

That was what he wanted, wasn't it?

It didn't matter what he wanted. He deserved it.

"Ughhh..." Sirius rolled over on the couch, pushing his head into the cushion with his hands.

Remus stared at him, crossing his arms uncomfortably.

Sirius gave another groan as he turned over again and stretched. With seemingly great effort, he opened his eyes. "It's too early..."

Remus glanced around miserably, looking for anything to help him escape the inevitable uplifting effect Sirius would have on him.

Sirius turned his head to face Remus, rubbing his eyes, "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long." Remus's voice was quiet.

"What's wrong?"

Remus furrowed his brow in annoyance, wishing Sirius wouldn't seem to care about him so much. "Nothing. Tired."

Sirius sighed sleepily, "I wonder what time it is..."

"I dunno."

Sirius's eyes fell closed again.

As he sat staring at the sleeping boy's perfect form, it slowly clicked in his mindthat he had to go through another day. He felt like a large weight had been dropped on him. He was trapped underneath himself and there was nothing Sirius could do to help. Nothing.

* * *

When Sirius awoke again, it wasbecause James was shaking him. He bolted upright as he jerked awake.

"Whoa. Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you, there, Padfoot," James grinned from where he knelt on the floor.

Sirius rubbed his eyes, "What time is it?"

Looking at his wristwatch, James read, "Six thirty-one."

Sirius collapsed backwards, his head hitting the red cushion with a 'poof.' He surveyed the bright common room with sleepy, blurred vision. "No wonder it's empty. How come you're up so early?"

"Early morning Quidditch practice!" he said with sarcastic enthusiasm.

"I've only just got back. Moony was up when I left at five. He was acting kinda weird again. I'm telling you, Padfoot, he's gone positively insane," he rolled his eyes. "Who would willingly be up at five AM?"

"He hasn't been sleeping well lately," Sirius explained, not willing to let even a good-natured poke at Remus's recent behavior pass.

"Oh. I didn't know. How come, you think?"

Sirius sat up, shrugging. "Hell if I know... I never know what's going on with him anymore." He laughed a little, "One minute he's freaking out, and the next he's back to normal."

James looked at his bed-headed friend, studying his face silently. "Well, it's not like you're stuck with him or anything, you know..."

"What do you mean?" Sirius's brow furrowed, a hard, offended edge to his voice. Now he _knew_ James wasn't about to try to give him relationship advice.

"Well... I mean... I dunno. Moony's gone weird."

"And he's not going to get un-weird if we just leave him alone."

"I know, I know. But... Alright. Say Lily suddenly got all weird like Moony—"

"You haven't even been on a real date with her yet!"

"That's beside the point," James blushed as he continued. "Okay. Hypothetically speaking," he enunciated the words.

Sirius laughed.

"Shut it, Black. Alright, now, hypothetically, if Lily and I were... dating..."

Sirius laughed harder, "No chance in hell."

"And she suddenly started acting all weird and hateful, I wouldn't stick around. I wouldn't be bound to her or anything. Assuming it works the same way with guys, that is. I mean, we were all friends before you two... got together... so there's no reason why it can't be that way again. So what've you got to lose?"

Sirius just stared at him for a moment, his eyes slightly narrowed. "Was the only point of that so you could imagine how it would be to hypothetically date Lily?"

"But you get what I'm saying..."

"No," he said sharply, "I don't."

"Well... I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with Moony if you don't want to. I'm sure there'll be plenty of other err... lads out there for you."

Sirius had a look on his face that hinted vaguely of disgust. "I don't feel—obligated," he spat the word out. "I stay with him because I want to."

"But why would you want to stay with someone who obviously makes you feel like shit all the time, Padfoot? I'm just trying to look out for you..."

"I know. I know you are, but... you don't understand. He doesn't make me feel like shit all the time."

James gave him a disbelieving look.

"Okay, well, maybe he does. But not _all the time_. And it's only because I let him. Because it makes me feel bad to see him feel bad."

"You shouldn't let him drag you down like that."

"I know, I know, but I really don't think he means to. I think he knows he makes me feel bad, and feels worse for it. I mean... it's not like he's out there trying to make me miserable. More like he's trying to make himself miserable and I keep stepping into his line of fire or something..."

James nodded slightly.

"I don't know... I... I really like him, Prongs," Sirius looked down at his hands, feeling slightly emasculated by his confession to James. "A lot."

"But why? What does he do for you?"

Sirius shook his head. "It's not about what he does for me. Just... it's... him being there is all he has to do for me."

"But he doesn't even do that much anymore, does he? He's always buggering off by himself."

"Yeah... I just wish I knew where he goes..." He furrowed his brow, shaking his head slightly, "We've _got_ to get our map back."

James stared heavily into the side of the sofa, lost in thought. Sirius expected him to immediately start ranting about the Marauder's Map, as he usually did whenever it was mentioned. Instead, after a pause, he asked quietly, "What do you think's up with him, anyway?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe the thing with his father, erm... maybe it traumatized him or something..."

James nodded slowly, "Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense." He bit his lip, furrowing his brow as he analyzed the situation. "So, you think he really did it?"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded, "I mentioned it last week and he completely freaked out."

"I thought the plan was that we shouldn't let him know we know until we can do something about it."

"Yeah. Sorry. I just... I kept expecting him to mention it or tell us about it... But he never did. So I thought if I mentioned it, maybe he'd explain or something."

"Did he?"

"No. He just freaked out and buggered off and I didn't see him for the rest of the night."

"Weird." After a pause, he looked at Sirius. "Wait. When was that?"

"Last... Monday, I think it was."

"I think I know when you're talking about. Were you up in the dormitory?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I saw him run down the stairs into the common room. I asked him to come over and he just mumbled something and ran out the portrait-hole."

Sirius nodded. "He seems worse since then."

"Does he?"

Sirius nodded again.

James frowned. "But I mean, it's Moony. He's a lad of stable substance. I'm sure he's fine."

"I dunno." he shook his head. "I don't... I don't think he is. He was really upset last night, and said there was something he had to tell me or something," Sirius shrugged absently. "He sounded really serious about it... That's why we missed the feast."

"I figured it was something like that, but you were both in bed by the time we got up there. Well, what was it?"

"I don't know. He never told me. But he woke up in the middle of the night last night, and he seemed fine then. Like nothing was wrong at all."

"Hmm..." James suddenly laughed, "The way he's acting this year makes me miss the good ol' days."

"And which days might those be, dear Prongs?" Sirius asked dryly.

"Last year when you and Moony were all up on each other all the time," James laughed.

Sirius grinned, "Good times."

"Maybe for you." James teased, "You weren't the one who constantly had to see your two best _male _friends in a state of perpetual snog."

"And one day you'll join us," Sirius grinned, laughing evilly.

"Never! You two do whatever the hell you want, just don't invite me!"

They were laughing loudly when Peter came down the stairs. "What's so funny?"

"Oh," Sirius rolled his eyes, turning away so Peter couldn't see. Peter always acted awkward about him and Remus. "Nothing."

"We were just discussing Padfoot's misguided sexual orientation," James laughed again.

Sirius shot James a glare before laughing it off. "Or rather, Prongs's denial of his."

"Hey!"

* * *

Remus hadn't been back to sleep since he had woken up in the common room. Not since James had come down there for Quidditch. They had talked for a minute, and then he had then gone back upstairs, fumbled through his trunk for a few key items, and sat on his bed, the curtains tightly drawn.

Now, however, everyone else had gone to breakfast. Remus stepped into the seventh years' washroom, his heart beating furiously. He glanced at the door for a moment before hastily walking over to lock it.

He stood in front of the mirror as he pulled his shirt over his head, studying his reflection for a moment.

Frowning, he wet a washcloth and began gently dabbing at his left forearm. His frown grew and he began to harshly scour, flinching in pain. When the pain became too great, he stopped, wringing the washcloth into the sink. Remus stared into the mirror as fresh blood trickled down his arm. Reluctantly, he wiped it before putting his shirt back on. Deep blots of crimson immediately stained the blue fabric.

After a few moments of gaping at the rapidly growing patches on his shirt, he turned around, unlocking the door and returning to the dormitory. He stuffed the wet washcloth into the very bottom of his trunk as he pulled out a clean shirt, which he put on over the one he was already wearing. Disregarding the fact that he ought to be at breakfast, he cast himself back onto his bed, slamming his eyes shut in disgust. He had really gone too far this time. How could he possibly hide something so obvious as a bloodstained shirt?

* * *

You guys... 


	9. The Uselessness of Asking

100+ reviews! Holy crap! I want to kiss you all. **elsie777** - I love _you_ in all _your_ angsty goodness. I'm glad you think the flow is good... I'm always worrying about that. Yay! **RonaldYHarry** - Okay, okay... I'm going to go ahead with this and assume that everyone's already read the book. He kept rejecting Tonks cause his heart still belongs to Sirius, but of course he couldn't tell her that. And then at the funeral, he was just being supportive x.x;; gay guys are allowed to hold girls' hands. And there you have it. **Ceyxa** - Ah, yes, yes... I dunno. I've just always got the impression that it'd be well within Remus's character to do something like this... How he's always obviously hiding his emotions, how he's so obscenely evasive about anything that could possibly cause him to lose control of himself... I dunno. It all fits. And as for writing depression, I've done lots of research, as well as drawn from personal experiences x.x;; I think I've actually put more effort into psychologically mapping out all the characters than writing the story... hehe. Oh well. Thank you! **checkmarks** - More! **hydraspit** - Well, it never mentions any girls he's attracted to, so he could be :- I dunno. That's, of course, taking into account my theory that I explained to RonaldYHarry a few lines up. Haha... Yay! Updating quickly is fun. It gives me something productive to do. **Bloody Corsets** - It's cool. He'll get over it... or something. I dunno. Maybe. Thank you! **Versipellis** - Ohhhh, yeah, the hearts are cute. Oh, character map, why are you so good to me? And it's okay. You don't have to like the story. uu Hehe. **Leftover Jackson** - Haha awesome! Yeah, Harry and Draco's kiss was uber sexy. I can't believe they let JKR publish something like that, what with it being a family-friendly series and all... And Tears for Fears are the fuckin' shit. Yes! Haha, Peter doesn't get too many lines, does he? Oh well. **butterflywings32** - Aww, nah... James just doesn't know all the details that Sirius does. I dunno about the medications, though. I've tried all three of those and they seriously fucked me up, especially Zoloft... Those were some crazy bad times. But awesome about the pen name! Yes! I _so_ called that one! I feel like we've bonded lol. **Ryyne** - Haha, eww... 'a threesome with the canines'... That's a disturbing mental image... The word 'canines' should never be used in a sexual context x.x;; And yes, with the happy-to-angst thing. I love the contrast it gives to both scenes. Yay! I heart literary babbling. **bridit** - Haha, yes... naked vacations are usually more fun than regular ones (not that I would know x.x;;) Aww, I'm glad you like! Yay! I feel happy inside. **Audrey G. Black** - Woo! I'm getting better. That's an excellent compliment. Thank you ever so much! **Albino Redneck** - Goodness, everyone's on vacation! I guess that's what summer's all about... Sadly, going to college is going to be my only vacation lol. Who is RAB? Omg, omg, tell me! How do you know? How do you knowwwww:freaks out: **Shay** - Thank you, thank you! Hope you keep a'reading! **Gray Wings** - _You're_ so cool. Err... yeah. Thanks for reading! I hope you continue to like. Woohoo!

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: T is for Toronto! In Canada, life is just like in Degrassi. My Canadian friend verified it. Wow, that was random.

Warnings: None, really. I dunno. Maybe. If you've made it this far, nothing will shock you.

Disclaimer: Isn't J.K. Rowling like the richest woman in the world now or something? The lyrics are The Early November - I Want to Hear You Sad. Mmhmm.

You guys are all complete badasses. Please keep reading and reviewing! I'll love you forever.

* * *

_These eyes, they're strongly covered in disguise  
They're waiting on the real time again  
You'll see that no one knows for sure _

For all of this  
I'm better off without you  
Do you regret so  
Your loneliness?

This ride is drifting slowly to the side  
We're swerving off the road  
Going past the cones that warned us from the start

For all of this  
I'm better off without you  
Do you regret so  
Your loneliness?

* * *

Remus glanced up timidly as Sirius sat down across from him in the otherwise uninhabited library, his eyes slowly meandering back down to the page he had been attempting to read.

Sirius sat there for a moment, peeking awkwardly at Remus's retreating gaze. "Erm... hey."

"Hey," Remus smiled, and then quickly resumed his blank expression. Sirius reached across the table, placing his hand on top of Remus's. Remus gave another fleeting smile.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh. Um... studying. Apparently I'm failing all my classes."

"That's no good."

"No, it's not," Remus's eyes flicked back over the book with a kind of bored loathing, looking for all the world like he would keel over and die if he had to read another sentence.

"But by 'failing' you mean you got an E or something, right?"

Remus gave a nervous laugh, "Err... no."

Sirius just looked at him, dumbfounded. When it came to grades, Sirius didn't have much room to comprehend how people could do poorly. To him, it came so easily that he thought he'd actually have make an effort to do poorly. So, he just looked at Remus, still not fully believing that Remus, his Remus, who was smart and wonderful, could fail.

Remus shook his head slightly, feeling more than embarrassed at Sirius's gaping silence. "I don't really care though..."

Now there was something Sirius could identify with.

"I mean, there's nothing I can do, you know?" He wasn't so much explaining to Sirius as he was justifying it to himself.

"I guess not. I guess you could study more or something..."

"I'm trying." Remus frowned, "I just can't concentrate--"

"Was that why Skeffington held you after class yesterday?" Sirius interrupted. "Because of your grades?"

"Y-yeah," Remus faltered, feeling the same overwhelming sense of reality he had felt the previous day when Skeffington had asked if anything was wrong. Now that Sirius was asking about his grades, that, too, became a concrete, undeniable testament to the hopelessness of his situation.

Sirius studied him for a moment, wondering what was going through Remus's head. His face had gone completely blank, where before it had been laden with anxiety. If only he had some way of knowing what, exactly, he was thinking... He shook his head slightly. "Oh. Well, I guess I'd better let you get back to studying, then?"

"No," Remus, too, gave a small shake of the head, "You didn't interrupt me or anything. I've been staring at this page for... let's see... what time is it now?"

"Seven-thirty."

"Yeah," he gave a hollow, false laugh, "I've been on this page since I got in here at seven."

"Gah... Well, hey, wanna go for a walk, then?"

"A walk?"

"Yeah. We could go down by the lake or something..." Sirius raised his eyebrows in anticipation of Remus's reply. Last year, they'd had many a romantic moment by the lake, including their first kiss and other such sentimental happenings. After last night, surely Remus would catch on...

"Err..." Remus glanced out the window. The moonlight was still bright. "Really?"

Sirius nodded, grinning.

"I dunno... I'd rather stay indoors tonight."

The smile fell clear off Sirius's face.

"What? What did I do?"

Sirius looked blankly at him for a moment before shaking his head. "Nothing. I, uh... I guess I'm going to go on up to the common room, then, if you're just going to sit in here." He started to get up.

"Sirius, please don't be like that..." Remus pleaded, his throat suddenly constricting.

"Like what?" Sirius scowled, sitting back down on the very edge of his chair, looking away from Remus.

After a moment of hesitation, Remus muttered, "I--You're mad at me..."

"You're the one who'd rather sit here doing nothing than be with me." He crossed his arms.

"I--No... No. I want to be with you," he pleaded. His voice dropped to a whisper, "I just don't want to go outside, is all."

"Oh, come off it. The full moon was only last week, and you've never--"

"I know, but..." Remus covered his face with his hands. "I just don't want to, okay?"

Sirius seemed to struggle with himself for a second before smiling rather forcedly, "Okay."

His concession didn't have the effect he'd hoped it would: Remus slumped down, burying his head in his arms, which were crossed on the table.

Sirius looked around uncomfortably. "Okay..." he repeated. "So what would you like to do instead?"

"I don't know," came Remus's muffled, apathetic response.

"Alright... Well... we could, err... go down to the kitchens?"

"Sure." Remus showed no sign of getting up.

"Are you hungry?"

"No. But I'll just watch you eat or something..." he said softly as he lifted his head from the table.

Sirius attempted a grin, "That works." He stood up, running a hand through his hair as he waited for Remus to gather his books.

Side by side, they set off for the kitchens. Several flights of stairs and a few hallways later, however, their pace slowed into a leisurely stroll. After a few minutes of silence, Sirius ventured lamely, "You sure you're not hungry?"

Remus nodded.

Sirius glanced over to the other boy before saying hastily, "Actually, I uh... I wanted to talk to you."

Remus looked at him expectantly for a moment before asking, "What about?"

"Well... last night, you said you read my letters from last summer and all and you mentioned something about having something to tell me..."

"Oh." Remus's shoulders went stiff as he automatically shoved his hands into his pockets. "Right."

"What?"

"What do you mean ' what'?"

"You got all weird."

"Oh... Sorry."

"God, Remus. Don't start that again," Sirius pleaded in an almost annoyed tone.

Remus looked at the ground, "Sorry."

Sirius gave a short laugh to hide his nerves. For some reason, he'd been nervous all day about talking to Remus. Maybe it was because they had both carefully avoided asking any kind of questions about each other's summer. Maybe it was because of the cryptic way Remus had told him he needed to talk. Maybe it was because he was afraid of spoiling whatever had happened between them last night. Sirius didn't know. All he knew was that his heart was beating unnecessarily hard inside his chest, and Remus's moodiness wasn't helping. "So, erm..." Sirius started quietly, "You read the letters?"

"Oh. Yeah," Remus nodded enthusiastically, as if suddenly snapping awake. "I did."

Sirius glanced apprehensively at him for a second, not quite sure what to say.

"Sorry I didn't get them until now."

"It's okay. It's not your fault or anything."

"How do you know?"

"What?"

"Mm," Remus seemed to teeter on the edge of a word for a moment, "I'm really sorry about everything –with your family, I mean."

"Eh. I'm happier now than I ever was living with _them_."

"That's good..." Remus trailed off.

There was a long pause. Sirius studied Remus as he walked beside him. Remus's arms were folded tightly across his thin chest. He kept unfolding them to tug his shirt sleeves down over his hands and then crossing them back, staring at the ground the whole time.

"Erm... Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"What? No," Remus met Sirius's eyes for a fleeting instant before tugging his sleeves downward again, "No, Why?"

"You just seem like you don't feel much like talking..."

"No, no, I do. Sorry. I do."

"Okay... Err... Last night, you said you had something to tell me...?" Sirius heart began to pound even harder.

Remus seemed to experience a split second of suppressed panic before he replied, "Um... I forgot what about. I wasn't exactly in a proper state... I was just... Skeffington told me I was failing his class, and that really..." Remus trailed off, his wild stab at an explanation failing.

"You told me."

"I was just upset over that, is all."

"Okay..."

"It was nothing."

"Okay..." Frustrated and disappointed, Sirius refrained from calling him out on his lame-ass excuse. He really didn't see the point in it, as Remus would just make another excuse for making an excuse.

They continued to walk in silence for a few minutes before they finally came to the large painting that hid the door to the kitchens. Sirius said, "Teacakes," and the painting swung open, revealing a huge, gleaming kitchen filled with scurrying house elves. Sirius started to step inside, but stopped when Remus simply leaned against the wall next to the open painting.

"What are you doing? Aren't you coming in?"

"I figured I'd just wait out here... You go ahead, though. I told you, I'm not hungry."

Sirius narrowed his eyes in annoyance, his face contorting into an involuntary frown as he stepped inside. The painting swung shut behind him, and instantly, a herd of toga-clad house elves swarmed to greet him, many of them carrying platters of cookies, sandwiches, cheeses, and tea. Sirius took a deep breath, barely even hearing the high-pitched voices of the eager elves. Obnoxious as he was being, Sirius couldn't stand to just leave Remus standing out there. With an exasperated sigh, he turned on his heel and pushed back through the doorway, leaving a pack of disappointed house elves blinking after him.

Remus looked up from where he sat against the wall. "That didn't take long."

Sirius tried not to roll his eyes as he slid down the wall, sitting next to the other boy.

There was a very awkward silence.

"Er... Sorry. I'm just so tired, Padfoot, and I feel like I'll be sick if I try to eat anything, so--"

"Okay," Sirius snapped, cutting him off. He stretched his long legs out in front of him, staring blankly at his scuffed black shoes. Hearing a soft sigh, he turned to look at Remus, who was sitting hunched over, hugging his knees to his chest and looking perfectly miserable as he stared off down the long hallway.

Sirius began to feel rather guilty, but he, himself, was still put out at Remus's behavior. That, and he had long since learned the uselessness of asking what was wrong. He, too, sighed. He had planned for them to have a thrillingly romantic night, like the one before had been. He had planned for there to be long, meaningful conversation and passionate, err, embracing. At the very least, he had hoped to gain a better understanding of what was causing Remus to feel so bad, but even that hadn't panned out. Not in the least. Remus just seemed so... disinterested. Well, not disinterested, Sirius thought. More like preoccupied... distracted. He frowned, feeling awkward, let down, and very conscious of the silent, detached boy sitting next to him.

* * *

Don't you just feel compelled to review?


	10. Only When You Feel Guilty

w00t. **bridit** - Haha I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing... hrm. **Leftover Jackson** - Oh, Jesus jokes... what are we going to do with you? lol Aww... everyone's so poor and angsty. Delicious. **Baranwyn** - Awesome. My evil powers must be working. Or something. Gyah, holy crap. Tonks isn't even a real character lol. Or she's not to me, anyway... Harumph. **Ceyxa** - Yesss! Raw emotion is the best kind. Veritaserum... goodness gracious I hadn't thought of that. I really, really like that idea, though. I'll totally work it in somewhere. You get extra points for being full of awesomely good ideas. **elsie777** - Yay, we're totally in love for forever, even though this update was a few days later than I would have preferred... Oh well. It still beats when I used to update like once every 3 months. Woohoo. **Versipellis- **Awesome. Well, wouldn't you be? It's frustrating as fuck to be in that situation. You're a beautiful swan. **Sonomi-chan** - Aww... but it's so much fun to make them miserable. It'll get better, though. I mean, it has to for things to be all canon-y in the end, right? Yes, yes. Fear not. **checkmarks** - I'm glad you liked that. I like it too. And I like you. **Bloody Corsets -** Snogging! Gyah, after HBP, I'm sick of snogging lol. It'll be okay, though. There's gotta be some more cute lovin' going on sooner or later. You never know. **Liv Naravul** - Awesome, I'm glad you're feeling it. And yeah, boys are dumm, and people tend to get rather selfish when they're going through a 'rough time'. And about your friend... I really wouldn't assume that all he needs is a reality check. I dunno. Having gone through that crap personally, I tend to take all depression-y stuff super seriously. Maybe he needs someone to talk to. Having people worry really only makes it worse. Or it did for me, at least. I dunno. It's none of my business. Sorry. You're fabulous. **Ryyne** - Yes... moon bad. Yeah, like... something about how Remus is always so reserved really makes me think he had depression-type problems, and he's just learned to cope by emotionally removing himself as much as possible. Putting up a front, if you will. Just my opinion, though. Hooha! **Sylvette** - Awesome! I'm ever so thrilled that you reviewed. It makes my day bright and sunshiney. Happy endings are good, but bad ones are even better because you get all pissed off and emotional about it. I dunno. Just my preference, though. I just love anything that makes me feel, and I find that my negative emotions are a lot stronger and perceptable than my positive ones. So yeah. Hence all the Dashboard Confessional and Thursday lyrics lol. **le gen -** Kill! KILL! Brewhaha! Awesome. I love you and you're totally rad. **Zaurak** - Excellent. I'm glad you're into it. That makes me feel glorious and giddy. Woohoo. Just try not to slam your head too hard. It might slosh around on the inside of your skull and make you forget how to read or something. Err... **Onigami Nanashi - **Clean OFF! I dunno. I always thought of Remus as the self-injurous type in the books... how he's so evasive and reserved, like he's learned what he can and can't handle and rejects or removes himself from the stuff he can't... I dunno. I've read several books on the subject, and he really fits the psychological profile or something. Hrm. Cutting is dumb, though. Don't ever do it. It creates more problems than it solves and gets out of control really freaking fast. Err... I could go on a huge rant, but that'd be awkward lol. You're a total badass. **butterflywings32** - Haha yes... chicken soup for the soul! All he needs is an inspirational story about making friends with a handicapped kid and he'll be all better lol. Gawd... those books... Yeah... opening up is really fucking hard. I think you basically have to be coerced into it before you can do it on your own. Or something. **chaeli.meep.** - OoOh! _You're_ really good. Fuh fuh fuh, breakdowns are fun. And you're completely awesome.

Damn that's a lot of responses. Maybe I should start tacking those on the bottom instead of the top, so you don't have to scroll like halfway down the page to get to the story. It's okay, though. Responding to reviews is the best thing ever.

* * *

Title: To Be 

Rating: PG - 13

Warnings - Slashy goodness... implied self-injury... Stay far away if that bothers you.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling... holy crap. The lyrics are Dashboard Confessional - Ender Will Save Us All. Today, I was riding around with some friends listening to that song. Me and friend A were all into it, and friend B was looking on in disgust and horror. I, unfortunately, took that opportunity to admit that that song always makes me cry... Both friends A and B taunted me for hours :sad face: Lesson: never, ever admit to crying to Dashboard Confessional. Apparently you can't get any lower than that. God damn. Maybe that's why emo kids are so sad all the time... just the sheer shame of it all lol. In fact, I'm kind of ashamed of even relaying that little antecdote on here x.x;; It's okay, though. You like it. Feel free to laugh at my expense lol.

* * *

_I want to give you  
Whatever you need  
What is it you need?  
Is it what I need?  
I want to give you  
Whatever you need  
What is it you need?  
Is it within me?_

_It's hard to explain how I am  
getting by on so little from you  
It's hard to believe that I would  
let myself get so wrapped into you  
There's got to be something that would  
be worthwhile for me to give to you  
We need a connection, but you  
seem to push me far away from you_

* * *

After that night, Sirius started to doubt that there was any purpose in trying to talk to Remus. Sirius noticed that his mood always fell the same amount, no matter what the starting point. Most of the time, he'd be fine when they first started talking and then he'd slowly progress into being miserable, as he had the night Sirius had tried to talk to him about his letters. Other times, Remus would seem completely lifeless at first and then work his way into an almost frenzied agitation, making restless noises and pulling at his ashen hair. The scenario Sirius hated most, however, was when Remus would be totally distant and despondent. Whenever he started out that way, he would slowly become ensnared in his own private world of blacks and greys and nothing Sirius could say or do would reach him.

Remus's love of his misery seemed to always come out on top of his love for Sirius, as well as his love for his other friends, his love for reading, his love for playing pranks. His love for life, apparently. Sirius missed the quiet way he would always sit in the back, attempting to act disinterested. The way the interest and passion he tried so hard to hide gleamed unmistakably in his hazel eyes.

It was gone.

Gone.

In its place was the apathetic, hopeless dullness of one who has accepted nothingness. Sirius hated it. He could pinpoint the exact moment when he first fully realized that there was nothing he could do for Remus, that Remus wouldn't even let him try.

* * *

"Moony?" Sirius called tentatively as he peeked into the second floor restroom. Sirius heard a gasp, followed by a slight rustle of fabric. "Moony, is that you?" Sirius stepped towards the stall from which the gasp had come. "Are you okay?"

* * *

Roughly twenty minutes before, they had been sitting in Charms listening to an agonizingly boring lecture when Remus had abruptly stood up, his chair screeching loudly across the floor. 

"So, the Muckle Law of Remote Modification states that-- Mr. Lupin, is there a--"

"Can I go to the restroom?" Remus quickly interrupted.

"Er, yes, I suppose. Be quick about it, though."

Remus had fled out the door before Professor Flitwick had got through his last sentence.

The students gawked at the door. The professor awkwardly continued where he had left off. A Ravenclaw girl sitting at the table in front of Sirius, James, and Peter turned to her friend, asking in a stage whisper, "Suppose he's sick or something?"

The friend leaned in, whispering back, "I wonder why he's sick so much..."

"Yeah, he's always sick."

"Maybe he just needs someone to nurse him back to health..." she giggled silently.

"Annabel!" the girl's eyes widened, her cheeks flushing.

Sirius, who had been glaring at them throughout their conversation, leaned forward, propping his head on his hand, a sneer spread across his face.

James poked him in the shoulder, trying to hold back an impressed grin.

"Well, how can you ask him to go to Hogsmeade with you if he's--"

"Shut up!" she whispered through closed teeth. "His little friends are right behind us..."

"_Little friends?_" James mouthed to Sirius, laughing silently. Sirius still glared through narrow eyes.

The other girl turned to sneak a glance behind. James waved, grinning. She quickly whirled back around. Both girls looked utterly mortified.

When, after fifteen minutes, Remus hadn't returned, Sirius began to get worried. By now, the professor had retreated to his desk and the class was supposed to be copying diagrams out of their books, so there was a chance that the professor wouldn't notice if Sirius left. Sirius quietly slipped out of his chair, walking calmly toward the door.

"Mr. Black, where do you think you're going?" the professor called from where he sat at his desk.

Sirius simply shrugged and continued out the door, not bothering to shut it behind him. As he was walking away, he distinctly heard James's voice, "Excellent!" Several girls giggled.

* * *

Sirius now stood in front of Remus's restroom stall. "Are you okay?" 

"I--yeah," came Remus's weak reply. His voice was thick and stuffy, as though he'd been crying.

"Erm... What're you doing in there?" Sirius peered underneath the stall. Judging from the position of Remus's feet, he was standing leaning against the side of the stall.

"Nothing. I just thought--I felt like I might be sick..."

"Can you come out?"

"Err--sure," Remus said shakily as he unhitched the latch, opening the door.

Sirius took a few steps back, allowing Remus room to exit. His hands were shaking, despite the fact that they were stuffed in his pockets. His face was sheet-white. "You sure you're alright?"

"Y-yeah."

"Wanna go back to class?"

Remus laughed weakly, shaking his head, "No."

"Me either," Sirius grinned, sitting on the edge of one of the sinks.

Remus sat next to him, looking away with his arms tightly folded across his chest.

There was a moment of silence.

Remus drew in a shaking breath.

Sirius glanced over, his heart taking a jolt as he saw Remus tightly shut his eyes, tears beginning to leak down his cheeks.

"Moony," his hand automatically went to the other boy's shoulder, "What's wrong?"

"I don't--Nothing," his voice broke. He looked away, blinking furiously.

"Did something happen...?" Sirius craned his neck in an attempt to look Remus in the eye.

Remus shut his eyes again, his brow furrowed, his voice no more than a whisper, "No."

"What's the matter, then?"

"Nothing," he shook his head.

"_Something_ is..." Sirius said gently.

"I don't know."

"Moony..."

"I just..." he took another quavering breath, "I can't explain it..."

"Can you try?" Sirius looked at him, his grey eyes pleading.

"I--I don't," he stammered, wiping beneath his eyes as fresh tears welled up within them, "I can't. I just--I'm fine."

Sirius reached over, taking one of Remus's hands in his. Remus's hand was cold.

Remus looked down as Sirius's fingers slid between his own. He let out a silent, feeble laugh, smiling through his tears.

"Can you at least tell me what this is about?"

All evidence of Remus's smile instantly vanished, and his voice once more sounded choked, "No."

Sirius's mouth hung slightly open, temporarily at a loss for what to say. "Err... Is it about what hap--"

"No," he cut in, shaking his head.

"Then what--I don't understand..."

Remus once again shut his eyes miserably, his hand tightening its hold on Sirius's.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Sirius looked on in horrified incertitude as Remus choked back a sob, covering his face with his free hand.

"I--I... I... Moony, it's okay... Is--Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?"

"No," Remus sobbed into his hand, turning his face away from Sirius.

Sirius said, "Erm..." though what he really wanted to say was, 'What the fuck is wrong with you?' Sirius slowly extracted his hand from Remus's, scooting closer as he suddenly pulled Remus into a close embrace, tightly wrapping both arms around the weeping boy.

Remus jerked away, springing to his feet. His chest heaving, he stood motionless for a moment, staring at the floor.

Sirius looked up at him incredulously, not quite sure what, exactly, had just happened. "What, did I--"

"No," Remus said quickly, shaking his head as he once more wiped his streaming eyes, "No. I'm sorry. I didn't--"

"It's okay," Sirius said unsurely, despite the fact that something was obviously not okay. Fighting a momentary urge to give Remus a good shove and tell him to piss off, he stood up, again taking Remus's hand.

He was somewhat surprised when Remus didn't jerk his hand away.

"Moony," he said softly, his eyes meeting Remus's red, swollen ones, "I love you..."

Remus conspicuously looked down at his feet, attempting to control the quavering of his chin as more tears spilled down his face. "Only when you feel guilty," he choked on the words as he forced them out through his sobs.

"What?" Sirius dropped his hand, his eyes wide and incredulous.

Both of Remus's hands flew up to cover his face, his sobs causing his whole body to shake.

"Why would you say something like that?" he tried unsuccessfully to keep the anger out of his voice, which was raised and harsh as he demanded, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He hated to admit it, but in a weird way, it felt good to get that out.

It did not, however, feel good to see Remus back up against the wall next to the door, to hear him whimper pathetically through his hands, "I don't know," before turning and fleeing out the door.

Sirius stood there for a moment, aghast. He immediately regretted the way he had reacted. But what Remus had said... It wasn't true.

Was it?

No, of course not. If anything, just the opposite was true. No. He always loved Remus, no matter what the situation. He stood still for a minute or so, his heart pounding furiously as he contemplated the situation. No matter which way he thought about it, his question held true. What the fuck _was_ wrong with Remus? He had no idea. After the night they'd spent in the common room (which was now more than a week ago), he'd thought that, surely, Remus's mood would remain elevated, that they would finally be able to be happy. He couldn't have been more wrong.

However, the thing that most bothered Sirius as he stood there was the sound of Remus's voice as he had said he didn't know what was wrong with him. He had sounded so frightened and helpless, so pathetically sincere. If Remus, himself, had no idea why he was acting the way he was, how was Sirius supposed to even begin to understand? And if he didn't understand, how could he possibly do anything about it?

He had to do something about it. As if suddenly released from petrification, Sirius ran out of the restroom. He was somewhat surprised to find that he was the only person in the long corridor. Of course, he thought, it had been a minute or two since Remus had darted out. He could probably have even made it halfway to the common room by now. Although he had no clue which way Remus actually went, Sirius followed his instincts and started running in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

He hadn't got far when he slowed to a stop. Remus had left. Sirius had tried to comfort him, but he'd jerked away. He'd said he loved him, but Remus had thrown it in his face. Maybe... Maybe Remus really didn't want him around. Come to think of it, Remus had been doing a lot of that in the past week or so, like he had the night they went down to the kitchens. Sirius's stomache felt like it was in danger of falling straight through the floor, it was so heavy. Remus didn't... Sirius didn't understand.

Remus didn't want him around, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

* * *

After that incident, Sirius found himself avoiding Remus just as often as Remus avoided him. Remus wouldn't say a word in class, he just looked around listlessly, vaguely nodding or shaking his head when he was spoken to. And he was hardly ever in the common room anymore. Sirius had no idea where he went every night. They _really_ had to get their map back... He worried about him constantly, but the bitter thought that there was nothing he could do was always there, always keeping him away from the other boy, always making him dread the moment when they'd be forced into conversation. 

The night they'd spent in each other's arms lay forgotten in the back of both of their minds. Remus's apparent desire to drive everyone around him away had finally worked, despite his own wishes.

A part of Remus wanted to cry out that he didn't want to be alone. That he wanted someone to help him. A larger part of him, however, bitterly told himself that there was no help left for him. He was merely living out of habit, and he was going to keep on living blindly, helplessly lost in this wretched, lonely existance he had created.

Remus felt smothered.

Smothered by everything and everyone around him, but mostly by himself. He was completely alone. Sirius had stopped talking to him weeks ago, after that day in the bathroom, after Sirius had walked in on him-- Did Sirius know what was going on? Remus honestly couldn't tell whether the thought of Sirius knowing what he did was horrifying or relieving. Either way, Sirius didn't seem to care. His professors had stopped trying to give him help in classes. No one seemed to notice he was there, that he desperately needed to be saved. Maybe everyone noticed, but decided that he oughtn't be saved. Such a wretched and swiftly degenerating life wasn't worth their effort. But, then, that shouldn't have been much of a surprise. Why should it be worth it to anyone else, Remus thought, if it wasn't even worth it to him?

He hated feeling miserable all the time. He hated feeling happy; it was always false and fleeting. But most of all, he hated feeling nothing, feeling empty, being disappointed in the washed-out look of the world around him.

Remus sat in bed, clutching his thin arm in the darkness. The sting of his salty palms against the throbbing lacerations was somehow comforting. It wouldn't allow him think or feel anything other than the pain. It filled him, and all fear was forgotten, all dread. All loneliness. All helplessness. And certainly all emptiness.

* * *

Snorkel. You know how I feel about reviews... 


	11. Standing to the Side

Erm... I moved review responses to the bottom, as it was getting rather bulky for up top. See, I really love responding to reviews, so I can't exactly be all "Hrmph, gotta cut that down." But I also don't want people to be all "Groar, wtf? Where's the story! I'm too lazy to scroll down!" So that section goes at the bottom now. I love you all.

* * *

Title: To Be 

Rating: PG-13ish

Warning: Do not try this at home. Seriously. If you're easily triggered into depression or anything similar, please go find something else to read. Feeling sad sucks, guys.

Disclaimer: JKROWLINGOMG. And _whaaaat! _The lyrics are _more_ Thursday! I need to diversify. Or not. I justdownloaded, er,I mean, boughttheir live CD. It's super cool, and has a really freaking awesome acoustic recording of War All The Time. I want to make love to it.

Review, please, please?

* * *

_With fists raised high in tightened knots  
The room explodes and now this blood is on your hands  
And there's no time for a second chance  
To paint my face with blood and tears and cover-up  
An open book that no one reads  
A misspelled word that no one knows

* * *

_

The following month passed excruciatingly slowly. The days seemed to drag on for weeks and the weeks for years, and still Remus still hadn't come back to Sirius. That wasn't a fair statement, Sirius thought to himself as he lay on his bed, pulling the red coverlets up close to his face. It wasn't Remus's fault; it was his. He was the one who had stopped trying to make things work. Well, Remus had stopped trying first, but it seemed to be unintentional, as far as Sirius could tell. Sirius had just got frustrated. To be quite frank, he had got tired of putting up with Remus's constant bullshit. He sighed, a faint cloud of breath visible in the moonlight. It was cold. Sirius silently swore at whoever had left the window open.

James and Peter were fast asleep; Sirius could hear their light snores. But he just lay there, huddled under the thick blankets, occasionally glancing out the window. Even though it had been ages since Remus let them use their Animagi forms to roam with him, Sirius could never sleep during the full moon. He reminded himself bitterly that he was going to be tired as hell in the morning. Luckily for him, though, the morning was only a little while away.

In little more than an hour, under the grey, muted light of the early morning, Remus would stumble into the room and flop down on his bed and another awkward, guilt-ridden day would begin.

At dawn, the young nurse would always tiptoe out to the Whomping Willow and proceed down the long tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. There she would always find a bruised, bleeding, and trembling Remus. Then she would lead him back up the Hospital Wing where she would wash his wounds and give him a draught of revolting, near-vomit inducing (Remus always told them) potion for the pain. After which, he would stagger back up to the Gryffindor dormitory to rest.

The clock by James's bed seemed to think that it was about forty five minutes until sunrise. Sirius shut his eyes. He really should talk to Remus. But, really, what was the point? Hadn't he tried again and again to talk to him? And each time, hadn't he failed? It was completely pointless. And yet, he couldn't bear standing to the side and watching Remus fall apart.

Sirius debated with himself for what seemed like hours before the sunlight shone hazily through the open window. He still wasn't sure how he felt about Remus. He knew he had loved him the previous year, but that seemed so long ago now, and the present Remus was almost unrecognisable from the past Remus. Maybe Remus had been right that day in the restrooms. Maybe his love _had_ turned to guilt. At any moment, Remus would stagger into the dormitory and the mutual ignoring would commence. Sirius hated it. He didn't want Remus to ignore him, or vice versa. He just wanted Remus to be himself again.

Six o'clock. Remus should come in any second. Sirius tried to dampen the heavy feeling on his chest, tried to clear his mind of all thought. Especially thoughts of the person who, at six-ten, still wasn't in the dormitory. Six-fifteen. Still no Remus. Sirius hoped that Remus wasn't hurt too badly. He felt bad that Remus had forbidden them from transforming with him: he didn't scratch and claw himself nearly as much when the other Marauders were with him. Six-twenty-six. Sirius was starting to get worried. Remus never took this long. Six-forty-five. Six-fifty-three. Sirius had to try very hard to stop himself from getting out of bed and going to look for him.

James and Peter always woke up at around seven-thirty-ish. If Remus still wasn't there by then, he would go look for him. Seven-o'six. Sirius sat up, staring out the window into the now bright morning light. The Whomping Willow was swaying lightly in the frigid, early-winter breeze. Seven-nineteen. Screw it. Sirius got out of bed, flinching at the block of ice that was the floor. He rummaged through his trunk, trying to find a sweater and some socks. Once the said items were found and hastily put on, he was out the door.

He glanced over the deserted common room couches before heading out the portrait-hole. His feet immediately led him towards the Hospital Wing, the only place Remus would be, unless he was still in the Shrieking Shack.

Sirius stopped dead when he reached the Hospital Wing door.

"Let me see," came Professor McGonagall's stern command.

There was a long silence.

"Mr. Lupin!" She sounded like she was on the verge of exploding. "Let me see," she repeated slowly, loudly.

Another silence.

"How bad is it?" Professor McGonagall snapped.

"It's—bad..." answered the soft voice of Madam Pomfrey, the young school nurse. "All over his arms and chest..."

"Mr. Lupin, show me your arm," McGonagall commanded.

Apparently Remus didn't.

McGonagall let out a long, exasperated sigh. Sirius could hear her pacing about the room. "I thought he clawed himself during his transformations," she still sounded livid.

"Yes..." Madam Pomfrey's voice was hushed, obviously quite unnerved by McGonagall's anger. "But... He's covered... And there's scars, too, ones that weren't there before..."

Sirius's stomach sank as he heard the quiet sound of Remus crying.

"Well, what do you propose caused them, then, if they're not the by-product of his condition?"

"They look like... a knife..."

Sirius forced himself to not let the words sink in.

"A knife," Professor McGonagall muttered irately. "Give me your arm, Mr. Lupin. Let me see your arm!"

It sounded like there was somewhat of a struggle. Professor McGonagall seemingly won, as, after a quiet rustle of fabric, she let out a loud gasp when she apparently saw whatever was wrong with Remus's arm.

"What happened?" her voice was quieter now.

Silence.

"Mr. Lupin! How did this happen?" she grew louder again.

Silence.

"How long has this been going on?" Louder and shriller still.

Silence.

"How could you not have noticed this before, Poppy?"

"He's... For the past two months, he hasn't been hurt as badly... and when I would ask if he needed me to dress his wounds, he said no..."

"Is this true, Mr. Lupin?"

Sirius again heard the faint sound of Remus's crying.

"And you found him unconscious this morning?"

"Yes."

"Remus," McGonagall's voice was now as gentle as Madam Pomfrey's, "How did you get hurt like this?"

No answer.

"Did you...?" she couldn't bring herself to finish the question.

Remus seemed to be crying harder, though the sound was still barely audible.

After a long pause, Professor McGonagall addressed Madam Pomfrey, "Is it this bad all over?"

"It's... It's a lot worse on his chest and upper arms."

There was a long, long silence.

"Poppy, a word? In your office?"

Their footsteps receded and fell silent with the sound of a door closing. The only sound left in the room was that of Remus's faint sobs. Sirius covered his mouth with his fingers as he stared around at the empty hallway. He stood for a while debating upon whether or not he should go inside with Remus. He couldn't stand to hear him crying like that... Sirius's hand fell to his chest, pressing against his sweater. He was amazed at how hard his heart was pumping. It seemed to shake his whole body with each rapid beat. He tried hard not to think about what he'd just heard. About what Remus had done to himself in Sirius's absence. About how he had no idea...

Two pairs of footsteps returned.

"Mr. Lupin, would you rather stay here or go back to your dormitory?"

"What?" Remus's voice was reminiscent of a frightened child.

"For today. Madam Pomfrey and I think it best that you not worry about your assignments today. That you rest."

Remus made an indistinct noise. "I guess... the dormitory..."

"Alright. Well, why don't you go up there and wash up and sit down with a nice book or something? You need to have a nice, restful day. Madam Pomfrey and I will be up to check on you and bring you your breakfast. We can also discuss the matter of informing your parents."

"What?" Remus gasped. His voice was thick and constricted, thoroughly panicked, "No. Please..."

"I'm afraid we've got no other choice, Remus."

"Please, no. I--I'll write them and tell them," his voice broke. He added quickly, "They already know."

"And what are they doing to, er, help?"

"I--They're--they've been talking to people at St. Mungos," he said desperately.

"Who at St. Mungo's? We can contact them, then, about what to do."

"I don't know." He once again broke down into quiet sobs, "I don't know..."

"It's alright..." came Madam Pomfrey's voice. "Why don't we just let him up to the dormitory now? He's had a rough night. It'd do him good to be able to calm down and rest."

"Poppy-- Alright." She addressed Remus, "You'll feel better once you're rested up. We can decide what to do this afternoon. Does that sound okay, Remus?"

Remus gave no audible reply.

"Good. Then come," Professor McGonagall said briskly, "I'll walk you."

"Okay..." came Remus's faint voice through the rustle of sheets. Sirius heard them walking towards the door.

Towards the door...

Shit.

Sirius frantically looked around for an escape. This was about to get really awkward...

* * *

Thank you guys so much for reading! 

And see? I told you it'd be down here...

**The mistress of mischief** - Awesome. Thank you! I'm glad you're reading. heart heart. **Audrey G. Black** - Haha, I'm glad that my story is worthy of transcending your genre preference. That's always a good sign. You're good at living/reviewing/reading. **tineryn** - It's weird. If you'd just said it was angst!Remus, I would have been all "ooh! an insightful review!", but coupled with the mocking mimcry, it just made me go "oh, someone doesn't like my story. pish posh." Sorry it's so bad that you feel the unusual need to harass me. I respond much better to constructive critism. Perhaps you should try that next time if you want an author to seriously listen. **Ceyxa** - Yes, yes. I really do like the veritaserum idea. I'm glad you're still liking the story! Thank you much. **Liv Naravul** - Ah, yes. I myself have done the whole in-and-out-of-hospital deal... big surprise, eh? Haha, but that's all behind me, thankfully. Also, sorry about your sister. I really hope she's found something that helps. It's definitely true, what you said about helping people, although if, like with your sister, their depression is chemical, that still doesn't help. Blah. Oh well. Thank you for your excellent review. You make me glad inside. **elsie777** - Verklempt? Haha awesome. And as for Dashboard... I have a pseudo-funny story. Today, my boyfriend was all "Ugh, this guy sucks. He should listen to his own music, then he'd see why he can't get a fucking girlfriend." and I'm like "Psh. He probably has girls throwing themselves at him cause they're all like "ooh, you're so sensitive! let me give you head!"" and my boyfriend pauses for a second and then is like "Um... Today, I saw my pet rabbit nibbling on some hay and the I was overcome with emotion at nature's beautiful spendor and I started crying." Hehe, nice try. He gets an E for effort lol. Anyway, thank you! **miranda** - I'm glad you like, even though it's not happy. I hope you keep reading! **checkmarks -** I love _you_. **Captain Oz - **Haha, oooh! Regulus? No way! I'm intrigued. How do you think that works? Thanks you thank you for reading! **embersandenvelopes** - You are awesome. I love you. Constructive critism rocks my socks. You should give lessons to tineryn up there about how to express dissatisfaction without pissing the author off. I'm really, really glad for your advice, and I totally agree with what you have to say. From here on out, the pace does pick up and things get more mixed up, what with James/Peter/Lily and flashbacks and such, but I'll keep in mind what you said to make sure not to let things get boring. I love you. **Versipellis** - _Awesome_. **Baranwyn** - Haha, yesss! Internet friends are totally better, if not only because you can't tell when they're laughing at you. Thank ya, thank ya! **Leftover Jackson** - Yay, you totally called that one lol. Hrm. What were you confused about, if you don't mind me asking? I'm always looking for possible ways to improve, but I do think that the title 'awesome writer goddess thing' is a bit enthusiastic... Hehe. You make me smile inside. **elivyan** - Yeah... I really, _really_ hope this story doesn't trigger anyone. What is your native language? You seem pretty durn good in english! Haha, wow... I'm worthy of using up printer paper? I feel special. **862494** - Is there any significance in the numbers of your penname? Just curious. Thanks for reviewing! You're hot. **butterflywings32** - You know, you're the second person to suggest the helping people thing. Perhaps that's why he was such a good teacher in PoA? And I dunno about the snorkel thing. It just felt right at the time x.x;; Thank you! **chaeli.meep.** - Awww I'm uh... glad...? it made you cry? Haha, I'm sorry, but at the same time that's a good thing on my part, right? Ahh yesss. Thank you thank you for reading and reviewing! You're a total badass. **bridit** - Yeah, his repressiveness really made me think like... there was some reason for it, you know? Like he had a bunch of trouble with depression and such and so he's learned that it works to just reject anything that might upset him. Thus this fic. Hehe. I'm glad you find it believable, though. Poorly done angst fics are truly a horrible thing. Yay! **ARASHI/** - _You're_ cool. Hehe. Thank you for reading and reviewing! I hope you stick 'round for more. **Zaurak** - Yeah... I've kind of been in both of their positions, and it's hard to say which is suckier. But, yay! Go Sirius! He'll come around. Or something. Thank you! **IloveMoony04** - Aww... I'm so glad you like! And I'm super glad you added it to your favs/alerts. That makes me feel extra special inside. Woo! **caramel** - Erm... I'm sorry? If it triggers you in any way, please, for the love of god, don't read. I couldn't tell if that was the case from your review, but yeah... I hope you didn't mean like seriously _seriously_ depressed you. :( **SlashyKitty** - Yes. Yes. I agree with you on the Tonks thing. I mean, he kept rejecting her, and then at the funeral, he could have just been being a supportive friend. Gosh darn it. Thank you thank you for reading, and thank you more for appreciating my taste in music, haha. **Onigami Nanashi** - Haha, yeah, betting with the author never works out too well. I am curious what you were thinking, though. Haha I'm glad you appreciate Peter's limited involvement x.x;; People are so biased against him. JK Rowling really did a good job with that. You know you've created a great character when people hate them with a burning passion. I mean, I don't hate Voldemort or Snape or Malfoy... but _Peter_... Agh, yes. It's kind of funny. In inpatient treatment for cutting, most places actually use the same program they use for drug/alcohol addiction. Fun fact. Hehe. **Ayame Lupin** - Aww yay! I'm glad you like story. And yes, a good shag does fix everything... I'm just too shy to write a steamy sex scene lol. Sorry to disappoint x.x;; I'm disappointed in myself lol. A hawt sex scene would be grand. Thank you!


	12. I Need You

_Awesome._

_

* * *

_

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13? That's starting to seem a bit low... Oh well. What do you guys thing? Should I up the rating?

Warnings: Do not try this at home.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling, yo. Dashboard Confessional, biatchezz! Take THAT! ... x.x;;

Review, review, review! Please, please, please? It's so good to know what people think of my writing. It helps the process immensely.

* * *

_I am fairly agile  
I can bend and not break  
Or I can break and take it with a smile  
And I am so resilient  
I recover quickly  
I'll convince you soon that I am fine

* * *

_Sirius didn't have time to think, much less come up with any kind of plan before a rather ruffled looking Professor McGonagall, still in her sleep-clothes, and a shaking, red-eyed Remus walked out the door. Remus's eyes flew wide, his pale face going rigid as he saw Sirius. Sirius's heart was pounding so painfully in his chest it felt like he was going to throw it up. 

"Mr. Black," McGonagall's voice was on a rather higher pitch than usual, "may I ask what you're doing here?"

Sirius panicked for a second before replying, "I-I was just worried. Um...because Remus wasn't- he wasn't in his bed when I woke up and—"

"So you took the opportunity to roam the castle?" She demanded.

"Erm... I dunno. I thought something might be wrong..." Sirius turned away from the general direction of Remus and the Professor, not caring how obvious he was about it. He couldn't bear to look at Remus any longer.

"Right. Well, Mr. Lupin isn't feeling well, so I was going to walk him up to the common room. And you should be heading off to breakfast, Mr. Black."

"Yes, Professor." Sirius stared hard at the floor, his black hair falling into his eyes as his arms hung limp by his sides.

Professor McGonagall led Remus past the other boy. Sirius just stood there for a moment feeling incredibly helpless and horrible, two feelings that he was not used to and did not like. The footsteps continued down the hall. Finally, Sirius turned around towards them, "Wait!"

They stopped. Professor McGonagall turned around. Remus didn't turn around, but simply stood there, frozen in mid-step.

"I..." Sirius struggled to figure out what he was going to say. "I... I can walk Remus up to the common room, Professor."

"That won't be necessary, Mr. Black," she started to turn around again.

"But— Please?" Sirius couldn't remember ever feeling so anxious. His eyes pleaded with the back of Remus's head.

"I'm afraid that Mr. Lupin is very ill and needs greater care than a student can administer. Madame Pomfrey and I will take care of him today."

"I know, but... I—Can't I please just walk with him up there? Please, Professor..."

"I won't repeat myself again. Get to breakfast, Mr. Black."

Sirius tried to think quickly. "But I have to go back to the dormitory anyway to get dressed before breakfast."

She heaved a great sigh, shaking her head. "Mr. Lupin, would you rather Mr. Black escort you to the dormitory?"

"O-Okay," came Remus's soft reply. His voice was breathy, as if it were a great task to even find the will to speak.

"Right. Well," she nodded to Remus, "Poppy or I, one, will be up to check on you shortly and bring you something to eat."

"I can bring him something, Professor," Sirius offered. "I can hurry and get breakfast for the both of us and take it up to the common room."

Professor McGonagall gave him a calculating look.

"That way he won't have to be by himself until you come..."

"Yes," she replied immediately, eagerly. "Yes. In fact, I'll bring breakfast up for the both of you and, Mr. Black, you keep him company until your first class."

Remus shifted uncomfortably, staring hard at the floor.

"Yes, Professor."

"I'll see both of you in a few minutes," she nodded again before walking quickly away from Remus and turning down another corridor.

The two boys just stood there uncomfortably for a long while. Finally, Sirius ventured the distance between them, stopping by Remus's side. Remus didn't look up. "So... to the common room?"

"Sure," Remus muttered. They walked slowly, side by side, down the long, cold corridor.

"So..." Sirius struggled to find conversation. There was so much he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to ask... But he couldn't. Not right now. It was too hard. "Erm... Bad transformation?" It sounded lame in his own ears.

"Apparently," Remus replied weakly.

"What happened?"

"The last thing I remember is actually transforming. It was... bad."

"I'm so sorry, Moony..."

Remus's lips twitched into a small, mirthless smile. He shook his head slightly, his voice breaking as he continued, "Next thing I know, I wake up in the hospital wing and everybody's freaking out..."

Sirius made an indistinct noise, urging him to continue. He had to stop himself from reaching out and embracing Remus as he noticed tears starting to well up in the other boy's eyes.

"Apparently I got knocked unconscious or something," Remus attempted to laugh, his forced grin a sharp contrast to his bleary eyes and furrowed brow.

"But that wasn't why everybody was freaking out, though..." Sirius couldn't keep himself from saying it. He knew it would be uncomfortable. He knew Remus was avoiding the subject on purpose, but Sirius just couldn't keep it in.

"No. I guess not," Remus's voice, though thick with emotion, was quiet again.

Sirius shook his head, making up his mind as he turned to loook at Remus. "Moony, I heard." He started to reach out to take the other boy's hand, but hesitated. Instead, he tentatively grasped at the cold air between them.

"Heard what?" It was obvious from Remus's tone that he knew exactly what Sirius had heard.

"In the hospital wing... Why everybody was freaking out." Sirius once again felt like he was about to vomit up his heart. His hand shrank back to his side.

Remus felt much the same way. He walked on in silence for a moment before slowly asking, "Since when... Since when does it matter to you?" He tried to discreetly wipe one of his hazel eyes.

"It's always mattered..."

There was a heavy pause, during which their footsteps dwindled to a stop. Sirius expected some sort of morose retort from Remus. He pre-emptively tried to come up with what he would say to convince him that he wasn't full of it, or lying, or just felt guilty, or whatever Remus was about to say.

"...I know," Remus's voice was almost a whisper.

"What?" Sirius blurted. He certainly hadn't expected Remus to actually believe him.

"I--I know you care." He furrowed his brow as he tried to steady his chin, "That's what makes this so hard..." his voice broke again as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest, a single tear dripping from his downcast eyes. He immediately wiped it and refolded his arms.

"Makes what so hard?" Sirius was still thrown off-guard.

"This," Remus desperately gestured to himself. "It was so hard when we were..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "It got a lot easier when you started ignoring me..."

Sirius felt the sharp, heavy stab of guilt he had been expecting. "W-What do you mean?"

"It's..." he shook his head again, sighing, "It got a lot easier to be miserable when I didn't have anyone working against me."

"Moony... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened. Or didn't happen, rather... I really, really don't want you to be miserable... And... I guess, it's like you said. It just... It got really hard to keep working against you. It's not because I don't--"

"I'm sorry," Remus discreetly wiped his face again.

"I'm the one who should be sorry. I was stupid. I need you, Moony. I need you to be happy."

Remus stared at the stone floor beneath his feet.

"Moony... Do you need me?"

Remus kept staring at the floor as he tried his best to hold back the embarrassing tears. "Yes," at that word, he couldn't stop them from flowing down his smooth cheeks.

Sirius reached forward, wrapping his arms around Remus, pulling him close. Remus's shoulders shook silently beneath Sirius's hands as he cried onto the other boy's shoulder.

"I didn't know..." Sirius clutched Remus tighter. For some reason, their close physical proximity caused Sirius's thoughts to tumble straight out of his mouth, faster than his brain could think to stop them. "I didn't know... Or else I would have... I didn't know... God, Remus, I can't let you do that to yourself. I don't care how hard you work against me. I can't live with you like this, Moony..." he said into Remus's hair.

Remus clutched Sirius tightly, his voice quavering, "I can't live like this either... But," he couldn't hold back his sobs any longer, "but I don't know what else to do..." he managed between ragged gasps.

Sirius buried his head in Remus's shoulder, furiously trying to blink away the hot tears that had begun to well up unbidden in his eyes. "I'm staying with you all day. I don't care what Professor McGonagall says."

* * *

Arg, I know that was cruelly short. I'm sorry! I promise the next update will be swift as to make up for the length of this one.

* * *

I love you all.

**Ayame Lupin** - Uh oh... I wonder what he'll say, too :- That can't be a good sign, can it, when the author's wondering what'll happen next... hehe. Thanks for reading/reviewing! **bridit** - Yeah, I can't take cliffhangers either. Strange how I love to write them, though... hehe. I guess I know how much they torture me, so... And it's not that I have such a deep love for the word 'badass' so much that there are so many things/people who fit the description lol Thank you much! **Ceyxa** - Bwahaha. Yes, Sirius certainly is in an awkward position... Hrm... Yay! **butterflywings32** - _Awesome_. That would be an excellent thing for Sirius to do... And yay! I'm glad you're still liking it and into it. You make me glad inside. **Shunnow** - Excellent! A new reader! Or at least a new reviewer... Sorry to keep you in such suspense, though! Thank you thank you! **tineryn** - I'm still super glad we cleared up my misunderstanding. Hey, looks like I might have even got an awesome email friend in the process too! (although I haven't had much chance for email the past few days :( ) Yay! Good times. **rockstarhobbit** - Excellent! I'm glad my story's cool enough to overcome your non-slashiness. I know the feeling... I've been reading this one GREAT fic about a ship I usually deplore... Hrm. I guess that's how ships get new crews, eh? Thanks so much for reading! **pSyChOtIc-dOrK** - Woo! Thursday rocks my socks. I've been listening to them a lot lately... Hrm. I even found myself preaching their glory and meaningfulness to a coworker who was all "Thursday is way too mediocre to be famous. The guy can't sing." True, he really can't sing well, but that doesn't even matter. It's like the difference between someone who's pretty and someone who's interesting and has depth and such. In the end, the latter is always more attractive. Anyway, I'm rambling on x.x;; Thank you for reading! **Ryyne** - Ooh! I hope it equally pleases you this time around. Sadly, though, these next few chapters were my favorite too, so I haven't really changed much... Just added more in, mostly. Yay! **checkmarks** - Haha, nooo. Three word reviews can be awesome, depending on which three words they are. Thank you much for yours! **chaeli.meep.** - Haha, I'm curious as to why you said 'ME!' at the end of your review lol... Thank you much, and I'm glad you like! **Captain Oz** - Hm, very true, very true... Now, is this just a hypothesis, or has JKR let anything slip or anything? It seems like a very good theory... Haha, yes, there are a lot of angst whores. Would that make me an angst pimp? Hehe. **Baranwyn** - Ah, yeah. That was a short one... This one's probably a bit short, too, but the next update should be soon! Yay! Thank you so much! **Audrey G. Black** - Hehe I'm glad you're liking it. I like you. **The mistress of mischief** - Aww, yeah... Remus's got himself into quite a pickle. (Ugh, did I really just use that phrase? lol) It'll all work out though... Just probably not immediately or easily. Brewhaha. **862394** - What is the meaning? I'm super curious. Eep, I hope you keep reading! yay! **embersandenvelopes** - Yes, I've been trying to be swift with my updates... But yeah... I'd really been thinking the same thing you said in your review, so I guess that's partially why I didn't view it negatively. It just confirmed my own suspicions and made me specifically know what I need to look out for. Awesome. I'm glad you liked this one! Thank you much! **cloudymagnolia** - Yeah... this is a bit angsty, isn't it? But I'd like to think it's not over-the-top... Hrm. I'm thinking probably 22-24 chapters, depending on how I divide things up. I hope you stick around for all of them! Hehe. **SlashyKitty** - Yes, yes... It's definitely just platonic with Tonks. It's got to be. I've never liked her lol, and now I actually have a reason for it... Hrm. Yay! I'm glad you're feelin' the story. **stackles** - Hehe cliffhangers are so much fun. I know they kill me to read, but that's how you tell something's really good - when you get pissed at the cliffhangers lol. And I hope you keep reading! Thank you much! **TheDreamerLady** - Erm. Please don't read this if it's going to trigger you. I know what it's like too, and I really don't want to be responsible for doing harm to someone with my story. So yeah... just as long as it doesn't bring the bad memories _too much_ back. I'm sorry x.x;; I'm just paranoid lol. And yes! I'm glad you understand about the guilt! It does make things way harder for both parties. Thank you for reviewing! **Jedi Master Moose Ass** - Hehe, non-complete-sentence reviews are fun. Exept I'm not quite sure what you were saying with the 'wow so' haha... I hope you keep reading! **Leftover Jackson** - I want you to scroll up and read what I just said to TheDreamerLady. It applies to you, too. **Padfoot4ever** - You too! **Elle** - Aww... hehe. I'm glad you read/reviewed! Yay! **henry** - Haha, sorry about making you wait. It'll be okay. Thanks much! **sleeper6** - Oh, wow. I seriously doubt it's one of the best ever... But yeah... I'm glad it's just as good the second time around. And how did you know I've always been a bit doubtful about the common room scene? I'm glad you liked it though. Thank you so much for sticking with me! **caramel** - Alright. I'm just a tad paranoid x.x;; Thanks much for reading and reviewing! **Onigami Nanashi** - Bwahaha, cliffhangers! And we'll see about the ending well... :) Aww, just kidding. I'm pretty sure it has to have a happy ending. **elivyan** - Germany, cool! And I know what you're saying about the triggering being a sorta good thing, although I really don't want to hurt anyone with this. Hrm... Yes, yes. Things are starting to come out in the open. Thanks for reading! You're freakin' awesome.


	13. How Is This Okay?

200+ reviews! Woo! I love every one of you.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13esque

Warnings: X-TREME ANGST! It's like literary skydiving.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is freaking awesome. So is Dashboard Confessional. Let's just pretend I didn't use this song for the last chapter, too... Oh well. It fits so well for both.

I heart it when people read and review.

* * *

_I catalog these steps now  
Decisive and intentioned  
Precise and patterned specifically to yours.  
I'm talented at breathing  
Especially exhaling  
So that my chest will rise and fall with yours _

I'm careful not to wake you  
Fearing conversation  
It's better just to hold you  
And keep you pacified  
I'm talented with reason  
I cover all the angles  
I can fail before I ever try

I am fairly agile  
I can bend and not break  
Or I can break and take it with a smile  
And I am so resilient  
I recover quickly  
I'll convince you soon that I am fine

* * *

In fact, Professor McGonagall had quite a lot to say. She protested and threatened over and over when Sirius informed her that he wouldn't be attending classes that day.

"But Mr. Lupin might not be in class for several days!"

"Then I won't be in class for several days."

"You simply cannot miss that much work. You'll fall behind."

"So will Remus, so what's the difference?"

"He has special circumstances. He's ill. I forbid you to stay in here. If you aren't in class, the punishment for skipping will be doubled."

"I'd think that due to the nature of Remus's circumstances, it would be beneficial for him to have company."

The young Professor opened and closed her mouth several times. "Well. Be that as it may, you simply cannot miss class."

"I can have James bring us our work so we won't get behind."

"Mr. Black, I forbid you to stay here."

"But, Professor, if you were in my position and someone you cared very much for was... sick, would you be able to just leave them alone, knowing what had happened previously when they've been left alone?"

Remus awkwardly crossed his arms, shrinking further down into his couch. He stared at the crackling fire in front of him, trying unsuccessfully to block out the argument that was going on directly behind him.

McGonagall opened and closed her mouth several times, but said nothing.

"You see where I'm coming from?"

"You will be severely punished."

"I don't care," Sirius shrugged.

"I assure you, I can think of some very nasty work that needs to be done down in the specimen storage area..."

"Professor?" Remus turned to face them, his brow heavily furrowed. "Please, can he stay. Just for today?"

Professor McGonagall looked almost helplessly from Remus to Sirius. "Fine. If breaking the rules is what it takes, then so be it. You can stay with him for today, Mr. Black. --for _today_. Now, Mr. Lupin, you go ahead and get cleaned up."

"Yes, Professor."

Sirius grinned at Remus as Professor McGonagall made her way out of the common room, shutting the portrait hole behind her.

"_Excellent_."

Remus laughed.

* * *

A few minutes later, Sirius found himself laying on Remus's bed, impatiently drumming his thin fingers on his chest while he waited for Remus to get out of the shower. Remus always took forever in the shower. Sirius's eyes flicked around the cold dormitory. He couldn't see much other than the ceiling from where he lay on his back. There were cobwebs in the corners. His eyes skated down to Peter's hastily-made bed. Peter was a slob, but he did get points for trying. He had no clothes or random items strewn on the floor about his area. All his 'slovenly mess,' as James liked to dub it, was overflowing from his open trunk and nearly falling off his small bedside table. James, however, had no room to talk about anyone being slovenly. His large red comforter was halfway falling off his four-poster bed, which was surrounded by a nice little rug of dirty clothes. The wall to either side of the bed was plastered with ugly Quidditch posters featuring men in loud-coloured robes zooming around pompously. James's heroes. Sirius smirked.

He resumed staring at the cobwebs hanging from the ceiling. He guessed he stared at them for another five long minutes before Remus emerged from the washroom fully clothed, his wet hair falling about his face. He paused in the doorway, glancing around awkwardly as he observed aloud, "You're on my bed."

Sirius sat up.

Remus sat down on Sirius's bed.

Sirius stared at Remus.

Remus stared at his hands.

Sirius also stared at Remus's hands, one of which, he noted, had a rather large bruise on it.

"What happened there?"

"What?" Remus's eyes met his.

"To your hand."

"Oh," Remus glanced back down at it, "I dunno. Probably something last night. I hadn't noticed it."

"Oh. Right."

Remus nodded vaguely.

Sirius stared at his own hands.

Remus shifted slightly. The rustling of the fabric was deafening.

"So... What now?"

Remus shrugged, "I dunno. You're the one who wanted to stay here. I wasn't prepared to have to be entertaining."

"Yeah..." Sirius felt a pang of guilt as he was reminded why he'd stopped going out of his way for Remus a month ago. He was just so difficult. Well, no. Remus wasn't difficult. He'd just somehow become difficult. Sirius suddenly felt a strong urge to counteract that feeling of wanting to go away and do something more uplifting. He wanted to enjoy being with Remus again, and he was willing to fight for it.

Remus flopped over backwards, swinging his legs up onto Sirius's bed as he lay down.

"Moony?"

"Mm?"

"Erm... what are we?"

"Wizards," Remus replied lazily.

Sirius smiled slightly, "I'm talking about you and me, Moony. What are we?"

"How should I know?"

"You know everything."

"Oh," Remus laughed softly, "Right. I forgot."

Sirius looked at him expectantly for a moment. "So?"

"So what?"

"So, what are we?"

"I don't know."

"Well, one of us has to know."

"Oh, no..." Remus's voice was flat.

Sirius grinned, "Your biting sarcasm stings my very heart, Moony."

Remus laughed, "Anything but that."

"Well?" Sirius's heart began to pound as it suddenly occurred to him how easily the conversation was flowing. The way they were gently teasing eachother -- It was almost as if nothing was wrong, as if there wasn't this huge, terrible situation looming over them. It was kind of unsettling.

"Well what? Why is this suddenly so important?"

"Okay. Let me temporarily rephrase the question. Would it be inappropriate if I kissed you right now?" Sirius was determined to keep Remus's spirits as high as they seemed to be at the moment, however strange and situationally inappropriate it was.

"Erm." Remus's face flushed.

Sirius got up and sat on his bed next to where Remus lay.

"Erm," Remus repeated a tad more emphatically, trying to stifle a grin.

"Well?" Sirius was laughing.

"I don't know!"

"Hmm. Let me rephrase again. If I kissed you, would you beat my arse?"

Remus laughed, "Probably... not."

"Good enough for me." With that, Sirius leaned down, stopping just before their lips touched. Remus's soft breath was warm on his face. Sirius's eyes fluttered open. Remus's were closed. For a split second, Sirius's lips barely brushed Remus's. He pulled back, unsure. If he kissed Remus now, he couldn't run away again when things got hard. He would be--

Suddenly, he felt one of Remus's rough hands on the back of his neck and, quite unexpectedly, Remus pressed his lips hard against his. Sirius placed a tentative hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus kissed him deeply. Something about the way their lips were cemented together, the way Remus was pushing himself up against Sirius seemed urgent, frantic, like Remus was just as conscious as he was about trying to pretend that nothing was wrong. Sirius's hand tightened its grip on Remus's shoulder.

Remus winced sharply at the pressue on his shoulder, tearing down the veil of blissful suppression as he ripped away from their kiss.

"What?" Sirius quickly sat up.

"Nothing," Remus shook his head, sitting up as well, "Nothing. Must have a bruise or something. Sorry."

"Here, let me see," Sirius reached for Remus's shirt collar.

"No!" Remus's hand flew to his collar, clutching it tightly with one hand, the other covering his shoulder.

"It must be pretty bad if just me touching it hurts..."

"I'm sure it's fine."

"Alright..." Sirius backed away slightly, blankly taking note of the way Remus was protectively clutching his shoulder. Then, suddenly, it hit him. Sirius couldn't hide the horrified expression on his face.

"What?"

"Erm..."

"What?" Remus had the same horrified expression as Sirius.

Sirius opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"What? Don't look at me like that!"

The horrible air of anxiety and misery that had, less than a minute ago, been hiding so wonderfully, was now pervading every corner of the room. Sirius shuddered as he felt its unbearable chill settle inside him. "I... erm... Can I, um... see your..." Sirius motioned to his own arm doubtfully, "your thing?"

"What!" Remus snapped, his eyes wide as he clutched his arms protectively over his chest, "No!" Sirius thought that, from Remus's response, he had just been asked to participate in some vulgar, offensive orgy with Severus Snape.

"Why not?"

Remus struggled with his words for a moment before settling on, "I don't know! Because I don't want you to!" His voice was harsh, angry.

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

"No!" he shouted.

"Remus..."

"No." He shook his head quickly, crossing his arms tighter. "No. It's gross."

"So?"

Remus looked away apprehensively.

"I don't care if it's gross."

"No."

"Why won't you let me see?"

"I don't know! You'll–you'll hate me. I don't know."

"I won't hate you."

"Yes, you will."

"No, I won't."

"Trust me. You will. You already do. This'll be enough to keep you away for a few more months at least."

"Remus..."

Remus stared hard at one of James's Quidditch posters across the wall.

"Remus, please."

"Fine. Knock yourself out."

"Erm. Okay..."

Remus didn't move.

"Err..." Sirius crawled closer to Remus, "Where?"

Remus shrugged indistinctly, not looking into Sirius's eyes.

"Okay..." Sirius took one of Remus's hands in his own, lifting the boy's limp arm. Sirius looked questioningly at Remus, who still stared straight ahead, obviously trying to remove himself from the situation.

Sirius clumsily unbuttoned Remus's cuff and pushed it back. He was still wearing two long sleeved undershirts. Sirius shut his eyes as he pushed the sleeves up to Remus's elbows, not sure what he was going to see. His eyes slowly blinked open, then flew wide. "Oh my god..." he muttered.

Remus squirmed uncomfortably.

Sirius clutched Remus's hand painfully tight as he stared at the section of arm in front of him. It was covered in red painted lines. Some were dry, brown, and peeling off, while others were vivid and fresh. Some had faded so that they were just bleached stripes, and some had simply faded into a shining purple. The lines crept down his forearm, with increasing randomness the further they went. Sirius shivered as he tried to count. His eyes slowly skimmed over the painted streaks. He was approaching seventy, when suddenly Remus's other hand jerked his sleeves back down.

Sirius's wide eyes met Remus's for a moment. At once, he felt more horrified and guilty than he could ever remember feeling before. His heart told him to run, to get himself as far from all of this as he could. This was completely fucked up. His mind, however, forced him to stay. He couldn't leave Remus alone after having seen what he just saw. Sirius kissed the back of Remus's hand before slowly letting go.

For a moment, Sirius looked uncomfortably at Remus, who was still looking away. Then, Sirius crawled over and sat next to Remus, wrapping his arms around the other boy's waist and laying his head on his shoulder. Sirius closed his eyes, taking in everything: the feel of Remus's dreadfully thin waist under his arms, the smell of his damp hair, the slow, quivering rhythm of his breathing. He had to hold Remus as tight as he could. He had to hold him until everything passed. He had to fix everything for Remus. He had to. Soon, or else he, too, would crumble. It was so hopeless. Sirius's heart quailed.

After a few silent minutes, Sirius whispered into Remus's shoulder, "I don't hate you."

Remus didn't respond.

Sirius lifted his head to look at the other boy. His hand automatically went up to Remus's face, which was wet with tears. Sirius didn't know what to say. He felt he ought to say something. He'd always been horrible at this kind of thing. He settled for wiping Remus's glistening cheeks.

Remus turned his head towards Sirius, but quickly held it downcast after their eyes met.

"It's okay," Sirius whispered. "It's okay..."

There was a silence before Remus replied, his voice breaking pitifully, "How is this okay?"

"Well," Sirius said slowly, "If it's any consolation, I still want to kiss you."

Remus smiled through his silent tears, giving a short, quiet laugh.

Sirius raised Remus's head up to his with a hand under his chin before placing soft kiss on Remus's lips, then one on each cheek. After a moment of silence had settled uncomfortably around them, he asked gently, "So, your parents know? I overheard in the Hospital Wing..."

"What? Oh," Remus attempted a grin. "No. They don't."

"So the thing about St. Mungo's--"

"A lie. I just-- I had to get out of there."

Sirius nodded, smiling faintly, "Thought so. Wasn't a very good lie, either..."

Another silent laugh from Remus. "I was so scared they were going to floo my parents..."

"So, what're you going to do, then? Won't they find out sooner or later? Somehow I doubt McGonagall will just--"

"I--I don't know," his voice broke again as he cut Sirius off. There was a hint of panic in his eyes as they searched the ceiling. "What should I do?"

Sirius scoured his mind, disappointed in himself that he had no solution to offer, "...I don't know."

Remus nodded slowly, tears welling up in his eyes once more.

"But, Moony--" he started uneasily, "you've got to promise me that you won't do that anymore."

Tears spilled down Remus's cheeks as he turned his face away.

"You can't. Please? Promise me."

"I--" Remus struggled with himself for a long moment before answering. "I promise."

Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy. He figured he probably shouldn't say anything more. They could talk when Remus was feeling better. It would be soon. It had to be.

* * *

Thanks so much for reading! You guys are the fuckin' shit. Especially...

**SlashyKitty** - Hehe, I'm not going to ask about the Tonks love slave thing... x.x some things are better left to the imagination... And yeah, guys _are_ inconsiderate. I'd totally be a lesbian if guys just weren't so damn sexy, haha. **henry** - Heck yes. Talking is always a good step. Thanks for reading! **checkmarks** - Yay! Thank you! I'm glad you've still got that lovin' feeling... or something... **bridit** - Haha, it's okay. I think the only Italian I know is like "spaghetti" or "fettuccini"... x.x;; Along those lines hehe. Thanks much for el readingo (I have awesome Spanish skills) **Audrey G. Black** - Woohoo! Updated! I'm glad I caused you to stupid grin :) **chaeli.meep.** - Awesome. Traditions are fun. And I'm glad to be a part of it... and I'm even more glad you lika my story. **stackles** - Hrm... that _would_ have been a good escape... Why don't I ever think of these things? Haha, yeah. The true hallmark of a good story is how much it pisses you off... or something... yeah... **Captain Oz** - Yeah, it'd be kinda dumb and anticlimactic if she introduced a new character just to be RAB... Anyway, thanks much! You're completely awesome. **tineryn** - Nah, it was just a blameless misunderstanding x.x;; Gyahaha. I hope this update pleases you. Thank you for being excellent! **miranda** - Woo! I'm improving! Goodness, I hope I can keep it up. Thanks for reading! **862494** - The numbers! The mystery is killing me, hehe. Anyway, thanks much! **Baranwyn** - Two days between updates is keeping my promise, right? Right. Hehe I'm sure you could think of _something_ to do over the internet. You could sign me up for a bunch of awkward porn sites or something... Wait. Why am I giving you ideas? Haha. **Onigami Nanashi** - Aww, kiss and fluffies would be nice. I'm not sure if this exactly meets those qualifications, though... Oh well. thank you thank you! **Scarlet Snow** - Teehee. Thank you ever so much for reading! I hope you stick around for more! **butterflywings32** - Let's wed. **Leftover Jackson** - Something I haven't told you? Like what? The googly eyes make me think you're thinking something awkward... I must know what hehe. And I'm glad to hear that your troubles are in the past. That's the best place for them. You're super awesome at living. **Mione** - Yeah, just like... the way he's so obscenely repressive and evasive... He fits the psychological profile for this kind of behaviour perfectly. I do hope you're doing alright, though... I just get paranoid when people allude to having similar experiences... x.x;; Forgive me. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! **Ryyne** - Teh nitty-gritty. Hehe. The last chapter... the last chapter I posted or the last chapter of the original one? Haha I like how I never finished the original... Not to worry, though. This time, it'll be awesomely complete. **InfectiouslyDepressing** - Aww I'm glad it brought a tear to your eye (I think? Hehe) I hope you keep reading and reviewing! **sleeper6** - Awww I like it when people are in love. He's not perfect, though... but probably better than most. Thanks thanks thanks! **Dollface786** - Woohoo! I'm glad you like. And I'm totally blushing from your silly little compliment . My writing skills leave much to be desired. **Shunnow** - Awww Here you go! **Mandy** - I'm ever so glad you decided to give my story a go! And yeah, I know what you mean... There's a proliferation of shittily-done angsty fanfics out there. Mine might be shitty and angsty, but I'd like to think it's at least not shittily-done. Hehe. Thanks so much for reading!


	14. He Hated It

OH EM GEE! I'm so so so sorry about the freaking long update time! It all has an explanation, though... You see, it all started when the internet started being silly and doing cute things like just casually losing emails betwixt me and my beta. So there were many "Err... it's been a few days... where's the chapter?" "What! You didn't get it! Those fuckers!" and so on and so forth. By the time that was all sorted out, I had to go on this silly camping thing for a few days and then move into my dorm at this really jesusy private school, where I promptly had no internet for like a week. And here we are.

Please don't abandon me! I love you!

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: rate rate rate

Warnings: You've read the previous 13 chapters. You know how it is. It's really fucking angsty. If you're at all susceptible to re-enacting angst, please go read Per Solum Lacuna by wintermoon2. It's seriously the best fucking thing ever. I mean... oh man. When I found that fic, I stayed up for three days straight reading it. Seriously. It's in my favorites. Check it out. But first, read my story... unless you fall under the category of people I told not to... Wow... my randomness abounds. Back to business.

Disclaimer: Fuh fuh fuh JK Rowling Fuh fuh fuh Drowning by Dashboard Confessional Fuh fuh fuh

* * *

_Am I drowning you out?  
Boasts of defection  
If everything was up to me  
I would be gone by the first sight  
The first sight of hope I'd be packed up and out on my way  
Time has been spread so thin  
And it's just hours before the day begins.  
And the things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here  
The things that are keepin you here  
Will keep me away

* * *

_

Oh, god. Oh, god. Sirius ran his shaking hands through his hair, feeling dangerously close to tears. It had been almost three weeks since he had found out what Remus had been doing to himself in Sirius's absence. He had no choice now. He had to stay with Remus at all costs. All the time. It didn't matter anymore whether James and Peter were having a good time without him. It didn't matter that Lily seemed to have started spending a suspicious amount of time with the other two Marauders. And it didn't matter that he missed the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw match last Saturday because Remus said he was too tired to move. It was just as well. The grounds were buried beneath nearly a foot of snow; it would have been wretchedly freezing out there, even if he was in the midst of an excited crowd. Even James had said that it hadn't been an interesting match: Gryffindor won by 230 points, nobody was knocked off their brooms. It was nothing spectacular. And Sirius had been to countless Quidditch matches before, so it really shouldn't have bothered him so much to miss this one.

Sirius glanced down at the something in his hands, shuddering as he attempted to take a deep, calming breath. Three miserable weeks. How long would this last?

"Hey," Remus called softly as he walked through the door of the Seventh Years' dormitory. It was empty aside from Sirius, who sat perched on the edge of his bed, his shoulders hunched over. "How come you're up here all by yourself?"

Sirius's brow furrowed heavily beneath his black hair as he stared down at his lap, attempting to control the shaking of his chin. He didn't trust himself to look Remus in the eye. The sight of him might be too much, especially since he knew Remus would not be showing any outward signs of despair. He would just look tired. That's how it always was recently. Ever since Sirius had accidentally overheard in the Hospital Wing, Remus had been putting on quite a show--Well, now he knew it was a show. Up until now, he'd truly believed Remus when he said that he was feeling better now that everything was out in the open. He even willingly let Sirius check his arms, saying that it made him feel better to know that Sirius knew he wasn't doing anything to himself. He still barely spoke to anyone but Sirius, still barely ate anything at all, and still perpetually looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, but he said he felt better, so Sirius didn't second-guess him. He'd just so badly wanted Remus to be alright that he probably would have believed anything.

"Padfoot? What's wrong?" Remus asked cautiously, staying safely on the other side of the room.

Remus was asking _him_ what was wrong? There was nothing wrong with him. He was fine. He was fine. It was Remus who wasn't fine. Sirius let out a gasp, wringing the hem of his shirt.

"Sirius?" Remus sounded rather meek.

"You're getting sloppy," Sirius blurted, his voice thick.

"W-what?"

Sirius made no answer.

"What are you talking... about...?" He knew what Sirius was talking about.

The other boy opened his mouth, but shut it again quickly. Instead, he simply held up a blood-stained cloth.

Remus's eyes grew wide, his jaw going rigid.

Sirius dropped it on the floor, drawing his arms in close as he averted the sight of Remus, holding his head downcast.

"I--It's not what you think--I accidentally--Why are you going through my things?" Remus had backed up against the door.

"You left it in the bathroom." After a pause, he said, "_Should_ I be going through your things? Anything else you've been lying about?"

"No," Remus spat. He stood there awkwardly, wanting to defend himself, to get angry with Sirius for calling him a liar, but there was no point. He was a liar, and he deserved to be called much worse than that. He crossed his arms tightly.

"I mean, why even bother about hiding it? You might as well just--just have come and got me and made me watch you do it. You might as well have. You're such a... a..." he trailed off, running both hands through his hair again.

Remus was silent for a moment. "Did James or Peter see?"

Sirius sighed. "No."

There was another long pause. Finally, he nodded, "Good."

At first, Sirius didn't respond. He just sat motionless, staring ahead at his knees. Finally, he asked, his voice trembling, "So why'd you do it?"

"I... I don't know."

"You told me you'd stopped."

Remus fixed his eyes on the floor, his heart pounding painfully.

"You promised."

Tears began to blur Remus's vision. His hands nervously plunged into his pockets.

"How could you do that?"

"I don't know." The tears began to leak down his cheeks.

"How could you do that and then just act like nothing happened? When did you do it?"

"I don't know."

"But--But I've been checking you! You haven't been--" Sirius cut himself off as sudden realization dawned on him. He slowly finished his sentence, although the words now held an entirely different meaning than they had seconds before, "You haven't been cutting your arms..."

Remus's shoulders shook with silent tears.

"Have you... So, you--you could have been... this whole time... Have you?"

"I don't know," Remus whispered.

"Remus!" Sirius shut his eyes tightly, tugging the hem of his shirt again. "Why won't you tell me anything?"

"I don't know..."

Another long silence.

When Sirius spoke again, his voice was somewhat calmer, "Come sit over here with me..."

Remus hesitated, then shakily crossed the room towards Sirius's bed, being careful not to make eye contact as he sat next to the other boy.

For a moment, they both just sat there, staring ahead awkwardly.

Finally, Sirius said, "Christmas holiday starts next week." His soft statement boomed through the uncomfortably quiet room.

"Mm." Remus nodded, not wanting to show his immense relief at the change of subject.

"You're going home, right?"

"Yeah," he replied meekly. "I always do, don't I?"

"I just thought with how bad your summer was, maybe you'd want to come stay at James's with me."

Remus looked vaguely startled for a moment. "Oh. I--I don't know if I can..."

Sirius reached over, taking one of Remus's cold hands in both of his. "Well, it can't hurt to ask, you know? You could send your parents an owl..."

"I... Yeah... Did James say it was okay?"

"Err, I haven't asked him yet, actually," Sirius laughed.

"I don't know..."

"What, do you not want to come?" Sirius found himself getting defensive. "If you don't want to, just tell me."

"No. I-- It's just that... the full moon..."

"Oh, that's right... it'll be over Christmas holiday this year, won't it?"

Remus stared down at his lap for a moment before saying quietly, "On Christmas day, actually."

"Oh," Sirius's brow furrowed as he looked down at his and Remus's entwined hands. "That... That really sucks."

"Yeah."

Suddenly, Sirius's tone brightened, "Well, that's just one more reason why you should come with me to James's!"

Remus said nothing.

"Come on, Moony! Let us go with you! It'll be fun! I don't think we've... Now that I think of it, we _haven't_ used our excellent Animagi skills all year. I mean, without you letting us transform with you, there hasn't really been an occasion... Come on, Moony... Please?"

"I-- No." Remus gave him an anxious glance. "You don't understand..."

"Understand what? That it'll make it so it's not so awful for you? Moony, don't be a--"

"No," he interrupted. "No. That's not it."

"Then what is it?" Sirius demanded impatiently.

"I--I don't know."

"For the love of god, Remus!" Sirius raised his voice, shoving Remus's hand back toward his own lap as he dropped it. "Why the hell won't you ever tell me anything anymore?"

There was a moment of heavy silence before Remus gave his meek reply, "I--I just... There's things... things I don't want to talk about..." he glanced up at Sirius again before continuing, "because if I talk about it, that means I'll have to think about it... and... and it's just too much..."

Sirius's jaw was set in frustration as he spat out his words, "That's obviously working out well for you."

Remus's face went rigid. He was silent for a moment, struggling to find something to say to that. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet, yet defiant, "There's nothing else I can do."

"What are you afraid will happen?"

"What?"

"Why won't you let us transform with you? Are you afraid you're going to hurt us or something? That's stupid, and you know that even if you did hurt us, we wouldn't care. It's not like it's your fault. We wouldn't even care if you bit us, Moony. I mean, we're all in it together with you anyway, so--"

"Sirius--stop. I don't want to argue."

"Are you going to be okay at home?"

Remus flinched slightly, furrowing his brow, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just... I don't know. I'm just worried, I guess."

"There's nothing to worry about."

"Then why am I finding bloody washcloths on the bathroom floor?"

Remus said nothing, seeming to struggle with himself for a moment before abruptly rising to his feet and heading for the door.

"Moony! Where are you going?"

He paused to reply, "I really can't talk about this. I'm going back down to the common room."

Sirius was left speechless as he watched Remus shut the door behind him. As he sat listening to Remus's steps retreating down the spiral staircase, he found himself overcome with something like a mix of anxiety and rage. How dare Remus leave? Just because he didn't want to talk about it... Did he honestly think Sirius _wanted_ to? He sat there fuming for a minute or so, ruffling his hair and pushing the palms of his hands against his tightly shut eyes. Suddenly, he sprang to his feet, rushing over to Remus's trunk, which he hastily flung open. He surveyed the top layer of Remus's various belongings. A few shirts, some socks, a blank roll of parchment. Sirius quickly scooped up as many items as he could, dropping them to the floor beside Remus's trunk. He began to frantically dig through Remus's possessions, trying to feel and see as much as he could. If there was anything in there, he'd find it. He didn't care if Remus knew he'd gone through his stuff.

After a few minutes, most of the contents of Remus's trunk were heaped onto the floor. Sirius sat back, sighing. He'd found nothing. No more bloody washclothes, nothing even remotely sharp... Maybe Remus wasn't as sloppy as he thought. Or maybe he was and he just hadn't been doing anything to himself this whole time. Maybe this was the first time since he'd found out, maybe something had happened, something that had upset Remus enough to do that. Maybe... No. The look on Remus's face... He had looked so guilty and anxious when he'd figured out what Sirius was talking about. Like he'd been dreading this conversation for quite some time now... Sirius stared down at his own smooth, unmarred forearms, sighing again. He didn't know what to think anymore.

Throughout the rest of the week leading up to Christmas Holiday, Sirius found himself becoming withdrawn and somewhat bitter. He readily attributed it to the fact that he didn't know anything anymore. Remus was still acting remote, tired, and apathetic, but not necessarily unhappy. It was so confusing. Sirius couldn't bring himself to check his arms anymore. He knew it was no use. Remus wasn't that stupid. That, and Sirius doubted he could survive having to see more bleeding, angry marks on the boy he loved. Needless to say, by the end of the week, Sirius felt as unruffled as Remus looked.

* * *

It had been good to get away. Sirius felt guilty admitting it, but it had felt good. He had gone home with James for Christmas holiday, without Remus. The first few days, he had been sick with worry. Remus had been dropping clues that he was very upset about going home for Christmas, and even though he hadn't specifically told him, Sirius was sure it wasn't just because of the fact that the full moon fell on Christmas day. There had to be something else that was weighing heavily on his maudlin mind. But, a few homemade cookies and one-on-one Quidditch games with James later, the worry was gone. Remus seemed so far away, so unimportant. Sirius hadn't a worry in the world. For once, things were good. He was with James's family, who, bless them, were some of the most kind, caring people around. Sirius sometimes wondered how they had managed to produce James. But, all joking aside, it had been his best Christmas ever. Two and a half weeks of warm fires, kind faces, and no worries. He knew he ought to have been worrying about Remus, but it just felt so good not to. He wrote to him a few times, just to ask how things were, but Remus hadn't replied. As much as he knew he should, he just couldn't muster the strength of mind to actively be concerned for Remus. 

Now that Christmas Holiday was over and he was back at school, Sirius hated himself. For honestly not caring what happened to Remus during break. He felt guilty at the realization that he hated it all. He hated the worrying. He hated that sinking feeling he got in his stomach whenever he found another patch of cuts on Remus's perfect body. He hated it. He hated trying to cheer Remus up. He hated failing at it. He hated how Remus didn't answer his questions. He hated how Remus didn't comb his hair. He hated how Remus never did his schoolwork anymore. He hated how Remus would sit for hours in the dormitory alone. He hated how he would have to go up there to be with him instead of downstairs goofing off. He hated it. He hated Remus's silence. He hated how he still had no idea what the hell started all of this. He hated the memory of Remus as he had been the year before. He hated the sugar quills he and Remus had bought last year in Hogsmeade. He hated how they were still in his trunk. He hated that some of Remus's shirts had wound up in his trunk the previous year. He had worn them almost every day during summer holiday, despite the fact that they were way too small. He hated that he never wore them anymore. He hated the way Remus would stare off into space. He hated how Remus nearly always looked on the verge of tears. He hated that he often felt the same. He hated that he couldn't fix him. He hated that he could never have his Remus back. He hated what Remus had become. But most of all, he hated himself for hating everything about the one person he loved.

Now that he had a refreshed memory of what life was like without all of that, he hated it even more. He found himself dreading seeing Remus once they were back at school. He didn't want all of that. It was too much. He hated it.

* * *

I'm sorry it took so long for me to update:; But actually... You see, sometimes I get really bored and get on aim. When that happens, I have no one to talk to, due to the fact that either a) I have no friends, or b) I have friends, but they have lives. So yeah. If you have a similarly tragic story, add me and im me! Yay! My sn is spencerdontmumbl. It'd make me feel special. 

_(A/N: Yeah... I was in a totally weird mood when I wrote the responses... Please excuse my weird moodiness as well as my laziness for not going back and changing them so they're less awkward)_

checkmarks - I'm sorry you felt awkward hehe. You shouldn't. I do hope you keep reading or something... It'll be fun x.x;; And I used to do things similar to actions depicted in this story, but no more. I think I've said this before, but I was fucking insane when I first wrote this. It's been almost two years now, and I'm going back and attempting to make it into something actually good... Hrm. I don't know if I'm successful or not... Oh well. elivyan - Hehe thank you much much. I'm still impressed that I'm worth the costof paper x.x;; I'm not sure how many pages this story is, but I'm guessing it's a good few. Mione - Awesome! It's totally tubular when people like... don't do that haha. And I just said 'tubular'... I'm not sure why... elsie777 - Angst... Mmm... It's the best. But only when it's done well. Awesome. You're awesome. Baranwyn - Uh oh... Please don't e-curse me! The slow update was beyond my control! Forgive me? Captain Oz - Dudey? lmao I've never heard that one before. It sounds like an adjective used to describe surfer-type kids... like "Yeah, he's really dudey..." or something. Yeah. Versipellis - Eww yeah, they do mine too. I always get pissed off when I read a good angst fic and they just randomly throw some of that in there, when they obviously have no idea what it's actually like and therefore cannot depict it realistically... Harumph. You're a good friend. stackles - _You're_ really good. And you have a good pen name. It's like staples, but better. tineryn - Partay! Woo! Hm hm hm. McGonagall seems like a very one-dimensional character to me... I dunno. I guess I haven't thought about it that much. I should reread all the books and like... try to figure our her life story or something haha. Ryyne - Hehe I like that line too. I'm glad it was in character... I never can tell. I probably need a cigarette. Onigami Nanashi - Hehe squick? I'm not familiar with that one. And yeah, they both are kinda idiots, aren't they? I dunno. In my old and wizened age, I've come to realize that most people are idiots when it comes to emotions. That's why most people work so hard to hide them. Fuck yeah. I'm so fucking insightful. bridit - Haha yes, that's an awesomely good way of describing it. You're a winner. Alice Midnight - Woohoo. You absolutely can! I'd be most honored. SlashyKitty - Haha yes. I'm not sure about girls being the better option, though... I've never really entertained the thought. Oh well. I guess some people do, some don't. It's all good. Gummit. I want a pretty boy. museofmirth - _Awesome!_ I win! Sorta. You're a badass. InfectiouslyDepressing - _Whaaaaaat!_ Was that :gasp: a non-complimentary review! Haha actually, I rather share your opinion. A lot of the time I find myself rolling my eyes while writing... :-/ It's ok. You like it. wutterflybings42 - Haha awesome. Let's have an X-TREME wedding... like while we're skydiving or something. I've actually seen videos of that. Crazy, no? Woohoo. Ruby Love - Hitchhiker's Guide? Or maybe it just sounds like it... Yeah. Aww, don't be sad, Marvin. Leftover Jackson - Pups. I don't think I like that word. Just something about it that sounds weird... especially for describing two total hawtteez lmao. Umm yeah. I want another coke. Now. sleeper6 - Melt melt melt. Last week, I was making s'mores and the chocolate melted and I was sad. Selphiebunny - Don't worry. I'm a lazy ass too. As much as I beg for reviews, I hardly ever leave them unless the story is super awesome. Aww. You're so awesome. That was a fucking awesome review. It made my day. henry - It's raining into my window but it smells of moldy dormitory in here so I don't want to shut it ;; TheDreamerLady - Different problems. Haha Alan Rickman hot? lmao He's so old! Tell Lanco I think he/she's a hottie. OCDegrassi - OMG I fucking love Degrassi. I have every episode from the third series on my comp... Yessss. It's like a train wreck. It's so terrible that you just can't stop looking at it. TheOakledgeCoconut - For some reason, it was really hard for me to type your pen name. Shunnow - I like you. jlg - Haha that has got to be the laziest anon. pen name ever. Assuming that it's just three random letters that happened to be closest to your fingers, as opposed to, say, your initials or something, in which case it's not lazy at all. Umm. Thank you. I love you.


	15. Relieved or Disappointed

This is so much fun.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: From here on out, let's say R. Uh oh!

Warnings: This is some pretty hardcore depressing shit. Do not try this at home... yeah.

Disclaimer: RJ Kowling und Bright Eyes are fabulous. Fabulous.

I would be very pleased to recieve a review, especially from you!

* * *

_I dreamt of a fever  
One that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart  
With heat to melt these frozen tears, burned with reasons  
As to carry on  
Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow  
But I swear that I would follow anything  
Just get me out of here  
I give myself three days to feel better  
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff  
Because if I can't learn to make myself feel better  
Then how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?  
And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere  
Just get me past this dead and eternal snow  
Because I swear that I am dying slowly, but its happening  
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere  
Just take me there, and lie to me and say it's going to be alright  
It's going to be alright  
You worry too much, kid  
It's going to be alright

* * *

_

They had been back nearly three weeks, but it felt like much longer. Every day, Sirius sat through class, trying to pay attention to his professors, although his eyes inevitably wandered towards Remus.

Remus had gotten quieter. He'd become even harder to talk to since Christmas holiday. Sirius would ask him how his holiday had been, and Remus would just shrug and mumble that he didn't know and that would be it. Sirius would ask him if he was alright and Remus would just shrug and mumble that he was fine and that would be it. Sirius would tell him about something funny that had happened to James in the common room, and Remus would give a strained smile. That was it. That, right there, summed up every conversation they had in the past few weeks.

* * *

Remus sat motionless on the ground between the high shelves of the library, staring blankly at the open book in his lap. He'd taken to spending most of his free time in the library, reading about whatever dreary subject he could find. Today it was _Incurable Magical Maladies Through the Ages._ Remus shook his head slightly as he realised that he'd stopped reading. It was so hard to concentrate on anything.

Everything was turning sour. The only time he felt even remotely alive anymore was when he was with Sirius, but even that was turning bad. They hadn't been able to connect again after they'd drifted apart in the previous months, or at least it seemed that way to Remus. Even though they were always together, even though Sirius would always make it a point to tell Remus he loved him, even though Sirius would always go out of his way to do thoughtful things for him, there was nothing behind it. The look in Sirius's eyes said it all. Whenever he looked at Remus, his grey eyes clouded over with guilt and pity. Remus hated it. There was barely even a relationship anymore... just awkward company. It was like Sirius felt it was his duty to stay with Remus. It hurt. The indirect resentment, the unspoken confirmation that Remus was, in fact, wretched at living. He was breaking him.

It wasn't just that, though. Remus couldn't even explain it to himself. He was just so overwhelmed by everything. By his strained relationship with Sirius, by his schoolwork, which inevitably didn't get done, by just having to wake up each morning and go through the motions of everyday life. The days seemed to all blur together. Nothing seemed important or even real except the constant mental suffocation. Everything else was just something that happened around him, something he had to put up with. He was stuck. He was trapped in his world of irrelevant shadows where nothing meant anything. The only time he felt alive anymore was when he was bleeding.

No. Don't think about that. Keep reading. Remus forced his eyes to follow the text as it danced across the page of the book on his lap. He couldn't think about that. Sirius would be upset with him if he knew. Remus turned the page with a shaking hand. Just read.

He didn't have to feel this way. He could...

No. He didn't want Sirius to be upset with him. If Sirius was upset with him, then he'd just feel that much worse. It wouldn't be worth it. Sirius always overreacted when he found new cuts. At first, he had made Remus show him his arms every night as a sort of check-up to make sure he hadn't done it. All that had really accomplished was that it forced Remus to get creative with the locations. But then Sirius had found the scars on his ankles, then the ones on his legs, then the ones on his chest. From that point up until Christmas Holiday, though, the checks became less frequent, and by now, a few weeks after they'd returned, were non-existent. However, there were still the accidental findings that seemed to completely break Sirius. Really, Sirius acted like it hurt him more than it hurt Remus. And then it always made him feel so much worse when Sirius was upset with him.

_Just stop thinking. _Remus's vision blurred with tears. There was only one way he could stop thinking, only one thing he could do that would distract him. He couldn't. He shouldn't. It only made things worse. Remus smushed his face with his hands, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

"Are you all right?"

Remus dropped his hands back down to his lap. He nodded, staring wide-eyed at his book.

"You sure?" the girl asked skeptically.

"I'm—I'm fine," Remus said weakly, glancing up at the girl. Long brown hair, blue eyes, pretty face... He recognized her as a younger Gryffindor, but didn't know her name.

"Remus Lupin, right?" she asked, squatting down next to him.

Remus nodded distractedly, staring hard at his book. He pulled his long sleeves down over his hands.

After a somewhat awkward pause during which she had expected Remus to continue the conversation, she asked, "Aren't you really good friends with Sirius Black?"

Remus nodded again.

The girl giggled, "One of my friends has a huge crush on him..."

A faint, forced smile flickered over Remus's lips.

"Angela Dougherty... Do you know her?"

"I—I think so..." Remus's voice sounded strangled in his own ears.

"Oh, but don't tell him I told you! She'd kill me if she ever found out. Well, unless you think he'd go out with her... Do you think he would?"

"I—I don't know..." Remus turned away as his chin involuntarily trembled.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Remus looked up at the rows of books in front of him, taking a deep, shaking breath. "I don't know..."

"What's wrong?"

He loosely covered his mouth with his hand, his brow furrowed heavily as he shook his head.

"Is there anything I can do? Do you feel sick?"

He shook his head again, hesitating for a long moment before saying, almost in a whisper, "I'm dying."

The girl stared at him, bewildered.

Remus shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't believe he'd actually said that.

"What do you—"

"Nothing," Remus interrupted, smiling as he suddenly stood up. "Sorry. I have to go."

"O-okay..."

Remus's breaths started to come in gasps as he briskly walked out of the library. By the time he reached the nearest classroom, his face was streaked with tears. He pushed the door open. Rows of empty desks were barely illuminated by the moonlight flooding in from a single window. Remus sat down at the first desk, hunched over, still clutching his book to his chest.

He couldn't take it.

Remus set the book down on the desk in front of him, staring at it for a moment as he tried to convince himself that there was no harm in thinking about...that... Just as long as he didn't actually do it. He shoved his right hand up into his left sleeve, wrapping his thin fingers around his forearm. He leaned back in his chair with a long, trembling sigh.

He pushed his sleeve up to his elbow. For a moment, he stared down at his arm, taking satisfaction in the fact that he could discern each cut and scar even in the darkness. He wasn't sad or upset anymore. All he could think about was how excellent and horrible his arm was and how badly he wanted to do more. His heart began to pound furiously. He wasn't crying anymore.

No. He didn't need to. Even though it would make him feel better. Even though it would make the world go away. Even though he deserved it. He'd feel worse afterwards, and then he'd have to do it again. And again, if he wanted to keep fighting off the thoughts that constantly tormented him. _Again, again, again_. There was no way he could ever stop it. It would just keep on forever and forever and get worse and worse and worse and–

He couldn't take it. He had to.

His hand shakily plunged into his pocket, grabbing his pocket-knife. He hesitated. Slowly, his fingers released it and instead pulled out his wand.

Remus stared at it contemplatively for a few long minutes before pointing it at his chest.

He took a few deep, shuddering breaths. His whisper sounded absurdly loud in his own ears, "_Avada Kedavra_."

There was a resounding silence.

Remus broke into a grin, letting out a small, quiet laugh as he set his wand down beside his book. How ridiculous. He folded his arms on the desk, hunching over to rest his head.

He hadn't really expected that to work, had he? What would he have done if it had, anyway? Well—nothing. Remus gave another short laugh. He honestly couldn't tell whether he was relieved or disappointed.

* * *

_This feeling. This overwhelming feeling. It fills every part of me, consumes every thought in my head until all I can think of is how much pain I'm in, how the thoughts seem to strangle me, seem to fill every minute of the day. The days go by so fast. Everything is a blur. Time seems to be speeding by so fast I lose track of the most obvious, necessary tasks. I sometimes even have to remind myself to breathe. And I can't eat; it always seems like I just ate. I don't sleep. After all, I just got through sleeping what seems like a few hours ago, though I know it must have been days ago. _

_The days seem so short. It's impossible to keep up with anything, impossible to commit myself to anything. It just all goes by so fast, and the whole while, nothing is in my head but the pain. I'm overwhelmed by the hopelessness of it all. How can I possibly _do _anything when everything is moving so fast? Nothing is worth trying for like this. _

_I'm left all alone with this sickening feeling, and every second it seems to grow. It grows and grows and grows and there's nothing I can do to stop it. _

_Just to feel so much so strongly _all the time _is exhausting. _

_I'm tired of feeling so helpless. I wish there was something, anything I could do to drown out the thoughts, to take the focus off the nagging feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel ill. It all seems the same, though. My whole body hurts. I don't even look at all like myself anymore. I've only noticed in the past few days how thin I've got, how pale, how sickly, how dirty I look. How ruined and scarred my body's become. I'm decomposing from the inside out. _

_Days, weeks, months have flown by before I've even realized. It seems like the last full moon was only yesterday, but now it's two nights from now. The world keeps moving despite the fact that I'm not. I'm so behind in everything, so detached from daily life that it's broken down. I can no longer do anything because I'm so full of those thoughts that I'd give anything to stop. I have to stop it all. The thinking, the decisions... Nothing seems important, and yet my mind is so preoccupied that I can't even weigh the consequences of small decisions enough to come up with an answer. My mind can't do anything but remind itself of its deficiency. _

_I have to stop the thoughts, the feelings. I have to drown them out, but I've tried. I've tried everything. I've tried ignoring them. I've tried replacing them with activity, with friends, with the things I once enjoyed. I've tried quieting them through pain, through visual self-destruction. That worked for a while, but now, the obsessive addiction that came with that method causes more suffering than any amount of pain could ever possibly cover up. I've tried everything and nothing works in the end. Nothing stops it. _

_I have to cut it off at the source. I have to stop the all the overpowering feelings and the wild, fleeting thoughts or else I'll never be okay. It's just too much. It's just too much pain for one person to bear. The only thing I can do is stop it at the source. There's no other way out, no other way to make it stop. I can't live like this. What's the point in living when you're already dead? _

Remus lifted his quill, his brow furrowed. He sat in the privacy of his curtained bed as his eyes skimmed over the messy, hasty scrawl by wand-light. That wasn't very good. Definitely not functional. Fairly interesting, though, he thought. It was amazing how well he could organise his thoughts and pinpoint his feelings when he put them down on paper like that. But it wouldn't do. That one was more for himself. There was no point in letting anyone know that much. It might have helped him understand himself a little better and see his situation a bit more clearly, but it certainly wouldn't help them any. He pushed the parchment toward the foot of his bed. He picked up another piece, placing it on the book in his lap, his quill poised to write. Perhaps it would be easier if he thought of what he'd actually want to say to him.

_Sirius—_

His lips pursed, he stared down at the paper for a moment before starting to write, this time more slowly, more thoughtfully.

_None of this is your fault. I'm sorry to have put you through all this. I love you and you've done so much for me, but..._

He paused for a second, taking a deep, shaking breath.

—_I'm ruined. I'm so sorry._

He reread it. That was even worse than the first one. He didn't want Sirius to know everything--it'd just hurt him-- but he could definitely have done better than basically just being like "Sorry, love you, okay, bye." He reread his four sentences, frowning. It came across more as saying that he loved Sirius, but not enough... That really wasn't true. Blah. This was harder than he thought it would be. He replaced his parchment with another blank sheet.

_Sirius–_

Remus shut his eyes tightly, scouring his mind.

_Stay gold... _

He instantly crumpled up the parchment, disgusted at his own cheesiness. After several more tries, he finally came up with one he was satisfied with. He folded the parchment, writing Sirius's name on the back. He probably wouldn't give it to him, though. He quietly put it, along with his other drafts, into the top drawer of his nightstand. It was just daydreaming, anyway. He'd fantasized about this nearly every day in the past few weeks without acting on it, so it didn't seem likely that he'd act on it this time. He'd just taken the fantasy one step further with actually writing out the notes.

But then... The full moon _was_ just two nights away. And he really, _really _couldn't go through with that one more time... He shuddered at the thought.

Crawling under the covers, Remus stared ahead into the darkness for a moment before shutting his eyes. He opened them again. It didn't make any difference. Either way, all he could see was nothingness.

* * *

Bwahaha... stay gold... ahahaha. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes... especially the ones that really aren't that funny. Fuck yeah.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you_  
**chaeli.meep.** - I love you and you're awesome! ME **elsie777** - Angst... haha. It's worse than crack. Ooh! I got you this time! No Dashboard! Bright Eyes is possibly even worse, though... Well, no. Bright Eyes is respectable, whereas people frown at me when I tell them I like Dashboard. **Ceyxa** - Aww... thank you much. I like that paragraph too. It's one of the only parts that I reread and am not all "Eww, that sucks" Yay! **hydraspit** - You're such a badass. :heart heart heart: **MiSS-x-MoOnY** - Muahaha. You know what they say... Once you go black, you never go back... only replace 'black' with 'slash'... and something that rhymes with 'slash' for 'back'. Yeah. **Onigami Nanashi** - Ooh, you're going to love the next few chapters. Or something. **tineryn** - College is scary. I have to go to Calculus in like 20 minutes... ewww... and then I have "Cultural Perspectives" for 2 hours... and by 'cultural', they really mean 'baptist'. Why, oh, why did I go to a Jesusy school? It's ridiculous. You have to go to church in order to graduate. _Awesome._ **Chocolate Martini** - Weird... I think that's happened to me before, with the not being able to review thing. Yayyy I hope you keep reviewing. It does make me ever so glad. **SlashyKitty** - Hahaha it's not shallow if you realize it's shallow... Yeah. **suckers love** - yeah... Poor Sirius. He'll get over it though. Yeah. **Selphiebunny** - Hehe yesss... laying on the angst is good, though, right? Right? **sleeper6** - Aww, I'm glad I made your day better. Or something. Yay! Thank you ever so much for your forgiveness. **henry** - It really does tend to just make things more awkward. But they have to get more awkward before they get better. Yes. Please, oh, please don't die. **Moonilicious** - _You're_ teh coolest story ever. Thank you much! I'm glad you like my silly story and I hope you keep a'readin' and don't you worry about what your silly dorm mate thinks! **Ethereal Dawn** - Aww... I've fallen in love with _you_. **decaydancexx** - _Awesome! _I'm so glad you think so. **bridit** - Haha awesome. Big teeth. I'll big your teeth. **giant-hamster** - I find your penname disturbing. Hehe. **Mione** - Yeah, I'm not sure where the 'tubular' came from. It was just a tubular moment. Aww. **Captain Oz** - Haha awesome. That's such an efficient way of identifying peopole. How do you know they wear cotton socks, though? Why not raylon or spandex or hemp? **poorlywritten** - Hmm. According to certain physicians, I'm bipolar. It's not very fun and it's certainly awkward. Give your friend a hug from me. Just be all "This girl who wrote this fanfic wants to hug you :hug:" and leave it at that. **Sakurae Kirisa** - Awesome! Faved! I win! **Shunnow** - I'm terribly terribly sorry aboot the wait. Yay! You like me :D **Leftover Jackson** - Pish posh. All will be explained in time... I think. Woo. Awesome. You think I'm hawt. I feel so special. **butterflywings** - Yesterday, I bought a Smashing Pumpkins poster and now it's hanging on my ceiling like 2 feet from my head (it's a dorm-top-bunk situation...) Yeah. Just thought you should know. I don't like it though cause Paz is making a gross winky face... but everyone else looks sexay. **bini-kun** - Cookies! I can't say I've ever had the pleasure of being addicted to a scary, though... Hrmaroom. **R.S.Azalea** - Review? That's your job. And you're doing it spectacularly. I hope you keep reeeeeeding! **Baranwyn** - Awesome. No e-curse. Isn't it weird how you really don't miss the internet? Like you do for a day or two and then it doesn't seem to matter. Or at least for me. I might be a freak.


	16. To Sleep

My goodness, I'm sorry for the ridiculously long update time. College is busy. I'm not too sure I like it. That, and whenever I smoke a cigarette/dye my hair/wear fishnets/walk around campus everyone always stares at me/comes up to me all "My roommate wanted me to tell you she was scared to talk to you, but she thinks your hair is cool"/comes up to me all "I admire what you're doing to spread individuality in this clone-ridden-jesus-hole." So yeah. It's interesting. I'm sure you all care. It just disturbs/surprises me, and I'm too lazy for a livejournal, so I have to vent here. Yeah. I love you all ever so much.

* * *

Title: To Be

Rating: R from here on out. Uh oh!

Warnings: If you've read this far, you know how it is.

Disclaimer: JK Fucking Rowling owns everything of value. Especially that Bright Eyes song down yonder that really isn't specifically applicable to this particular chapter... It does kinda fit the mood, though, right? Right? Oh, and it's called Go Find Yourself a Dry Place... but it's only the first verse because the second verse is all like "life is meaningless blahblahblah let's go have sex" God damn, that's deep, Conor Oberst. It's okay, though... he's really hot, so he's allowed to be pretentious and full of it. That wasn't very nice of me. If you're reading this, I'm sorry, Conor. I think you're awesome and your music speaks to my tragically tortured soul because I'm pretentious and full of it too. I mean, fuck, just read this fic. We're on the same level. Hah. That was a nice little tangent... Anyway, if anyone has a song that would go awesomely for this chapter, I'd love to hear it. It makes me sad that I can't find one that fits nicely.

* * *

I think I'm in another of my weird moods where I risk sounding like an asshole. It's okay. You guys should review anyway because no matter how weird of a mood I'm in, I still love you all and want to give you multiple hugs and, for some of you, at least, sexual favors. jk lol. I made a funny. Sex is icky. Boys. Eww. Except Conor Oberst. And sometimes Ben Gibbard. And Gerard Way. And Alex Casteels. I'd definitely do 'im. (see www. alexander-casteels. com/ photography. php for further details) Aww, nevermind. Not Ben Gibbard. He's just too darn cute. I'd just want to hug him and put a bow around his neck. Hmm. I think I might be ADD. But Ben Gibbard _is _ridiculously cute.

* * *

_I wish there was something I could do for you  
I wish there were some words I could say  
But I know that you thought it out so well  
And I know there is nothing I should say  
Figured it all out, figured it all out  
And nothing stands up to biology  
And truth is built on shady ground  
Depression's all I get from philosophy  
And, but really, but really, what truth I've found

* * *

_

When Remus showed up at breakfast the next morning, Sirius vaguely registered that something was weird, but it took him a while to figure out exactly what was less-than-ordinary. Sirius's brow was slightly furrowed as he stared down at his toast.

"Hey, Padfoot, did you do that Potions essay?" James called mid-chew.

"What? Er, yeah, more or less. Did you?"

James winced, grinning guiltily, "I forgot. Quick, whip yours out."

"It's upstairs. Why would I bring my homework to breakfast? Why don't you ask Evans?"

James blushed, grinning, "She'd never speak to me again if I asked to copy off her!"

"Exactly."

James looked mildly offended. "What?"

Sirius shrugged. "The only time I've seen you lately is when she's busy."

"Well, maybe if you and--" he stopped himself, shaking his head before turning to Peter with what he hoped was an eager, yet gracious grin. "Did you do it, Peter?"

Peter shook his head, "Mine's upstairs too."

James turned toward Remus somewhat hesitantly, "Moony?"

"No such luck today," Remus smiled.

Sirius frowned.

"So you didn't do it either?"

"Nope," Remus laughed.

"Moony..." James shook his head in mock disapproval. "When you don't do your homework, you're only hurting yourself. I mean, really, you should be more responsible about your--"

"But you didn't do yours, either..." Peter interrupted.

James held back a laugh as he looked to Sirius expectantly. Disappointment flickered across his face as Sirius simply stared distractedly at Remus's hands.

"I think Prongs was trying to be ironic, Wormtail," Remus said softly.

James snickered.

Sirius's brow furrowed.

"Oh. Well, you guys can copy mine during History of Magic," Peter offered.

James still addressed Remus, "Since when do you not do your homework, anyway? I mean, it's perfectly natural for me or Padfoot not do ours—"

"Until five minutes before you have to hand it in," Remus added.

"Exactly! But you've always been more of the 'night before' type."

"As opposed to the 'meal before' type?" Remus shrugged again, "You never know. Maybe I was... busy last night," he grinned, innocently nodding toward Sirius.

"I did not want to know that," James laughed.

Suddenly, Sirius knew exactly what it was that seemed so different. Not only was Remus actually present for breakfast, which he usually slept through these days, but he was apparently in a good mood. He was even making jokes. Sirius gave Remus a look of extreme disapproval; "We didn't do anything last night."

Remus stifled his smile at Sirius's harsh tone.

James surveyed the two for a moment, noting the tension. "Well, don't worry, Moony. You'll obviously have plenty of time for homework tonight," he laughed.

Remus gave a small laugh.

Sirius glared at him. How could he be acting this way? The previous night, Sirius had found Remus in a dark classroom crying. He'd then spent nearly an hour consoling him to even get him to the point where he was capable of going back up to the dormitory. So, naturally, Sirius didn't feel that the subject of 'last night' was a joking matter at all. It was incredibly inappropriate and distinctly angering.

* * *

By night time, Sirius was completely outdone. Remus's mood had been unnaturally elevated all day. Nothing seemed to bother him. He hadn't done any of his schoolwork for any of his classes. This in itself wasn't abnormal, as of late. It was more the effect the lack of effort seemed to have on him. Usually, when a teacher made note of his missing schoolwork, after class, he would immediately run to Sirius spewing a bunch of nonsense about, "I'm so worthless, I can't even do stupid schoolwork. How can I be so horrible at living? You must think I'm so dumb," or something to that effect. It usually ended in tears. Today, however, Remus apparently didn't take his lack of motivation to mean a lack of moral fiber.

At meals, he'd actually eaten and participated in the usual social yammering, which he – when he bothered to come to meals – usually steered clear of. All day, there was none of the moping, none of the whining. Just the quiet, charming, and carefree Remus he'd fallen in love with. It was revolting.

Sirius sat dumbfounded and outraged on his usual squashy red armchair by the fire, staring harshly into the flames as he listened to James, Peter, and Remus's conversation.

James was sitting on the floor between Sirius's chair and the couch, where Peter and Remus were sitting. Peter sat leaning forward, raptly waiting for his chance to get a word in. Remus had an open book on his lap, which he kept glancing at as he responded to James.

"But, how can this be the first? I thought you and Lily went on a few dates last year..."

"Well, yeah—"

"What about that time she waited for you after the Quidditch match?"

Sirius listened on in uncharacteristic silence, trying to keep from frowning.

"Oh, well, yeah."

"Wasn't that a date, then?"

"Oh," James's cheeks suddenly went red before he suddenly laughed, "It was at first. I screwed that one up royally, though."

"How?" Remus grinned. "Haven't heard this story before..."

"There's a reason for that. It was horrible. Get Padfoot to tell you."

Remus laughed in anticipation as he and Peter eagerly stared at Sirius's fire-lit profile.

"What?" Sirius noticed they were looking at him, "Oh, er, yeah. I'll—I'll tell you later."

"Please?" Peter begged.

Remus glanced down at his book, his stomach suddenly churning.

"So... this Saturday," James grinned.

"Good luck!" Peter chimed in.

"Yeah," Remus laughed a little. "Hope it doesn't turn out like... whatever happened last year."

"Yeah..."

For a moment, the four of them sat staring into the fire.

"Moony," Sirius said abruptly, "we need to talk."

"Okay," Remus looked at him expectantly.

"Err..." Sirius stood up. "Why don't we go upstairs?"

"Uh oh," James said lowly, giggling.

"Alright," Remus said, standing up and following Sirius up the spiral staircase, feeling very tense.

Sirius marched up the stairs and into the Seventh Years' dormitory, which was, as usual, deserted. He stopped in front of his own bed, looking Remus up and down for a moment, trying to find the right words.

"I—I don't understand you!"

"What do you mean?"

"I... I mean that you... Okay. I've put up with your shit this entire year, and now, suddenly, you're back to normal? That--That doesn't happen! I just--"

"My shit?" Remus repeated incredulously.

"Do you realize what you've put me through? And now, today... you just..." he trailed off as he stood there fuming.

Remus paced around a few times in silence before he spoke again. His voice was quiet, yet harsh; "You have no idea what I've been through."

"Whose fault is that?" Sirius retaliated wrathfully.

"You don't know what it's like..." Remus continued, still pacing, his face set in a harsh expression.

"What what's like?" Sirius spat, his tone still full of anger.

"It's awful. You have no idea. I mean, at first it was just... I was afraid that I'd be next."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Remus shook his head; "I didn't know how to cope with that... Well... I guess I learned one way," he said spitefully, clutching his forearm. "The solution's worse than the problem... If I'd have known it'd be like this, I would have just got it over with. Yeah," he nodded, seemingly talking to himself more so than to Sirius, "Just gone ahead. I was too afraid. Of course I was too afraid then--"

"When? Remus, what are you—?"

Remus went on, ignoring Sirius's questions, "I didn't know how bad it could be. How much it... it hurt. I thought pain was the end. I didn't know what any of this was like. I didn't know what it was like to be," he paused to search for the right words, his voice breaking, "to be... this."

"What do you mean, 'this'?"

"I can't—I can't stop it. Next time I lose control... Next time I feel this way..."

"Remus..." Sirius's angry-face had melted into one of worry.

"I always feel this way," he growled through his teeth, clenching his fists. "Always! I hate it!"

Sirius looked on helplessly.

"But now..." Remus stopped pacing, his eyes studying Sirius. "I never thought that it'd be—that it'd be a _relief_..."he gave one of his mirthless laughs.

"I don't understand..."

"It really is the only way." He sat down on his bed. "And every time you try to help me—I'm sorry," he turned away.

"You don't give me a chance!" Sirius took a few steps toward the other boy. "I try to talk to you, but—"

"That doesn't matter. I'm sorry this happened."

"Remus..."

"And... and I'm sorry you care about me." He sounded choked, "It'd be better if you didn't." He paused for a moment, smiling. "I guess it doesn't really matter." He wiped his face.

"Of course it matters..." Sirius knelt down in front of where Remus sat. "You matter more to me than anything, Moony. Whatever you're going through, I'll help. I know you can—" Sirius reached forward to take his hands.

Remus jerked his hands away, shutting his eyes tightly. "Don't!" He hunched forward so that he was looking directly at his knees. "I hate this..."

"It's okay," Sirius whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

"And—and I'm so tired of feeling like this..."

"Everything'll be all right," Sirius murmured.

Remus covered his face with his hands. "I just really, really can't do this anymore..."

Sirius combed through Remus's ashen hair with his fingers.

After a long minute, Remus's hands slid down off his face, resting only inches below on his knees. "None of this is your fault," he said quietly, not looking up at Sirius.

"...I know," Sirius replied uneasily.

"It really isn't. I know I've been awful—"

"—No, you—"

"Just—there's nothing you can do for me."

"Remus..."

"It's not your fault."

"I know, but—"

"Really."

"What are you getting at?" Sirius's kneel melted into a regular-type sit.

Remus hesitated, thrown off-guard, "Nothing. I just... I know you worry about me. I'm just saying, you know, that you... don't have to. That I'd rather you didn't."

Sirius let out an audible breath. "You don't mean that."

Remus was silent for a moment. "I guess not..."

"Anyway, I'd worry about you whether you wanted me to or not."

"Sorry I kind of... freaked out just now," Remus laughed, frowning.

"It's alright," Sirius murmured. "I'll always be here for you, Moony..."

There was another pause. "You can go back down to the common room if you want."

Sirius shook his head as he raised himself up onto one knee. "Nah... It's alright."

"I'll be fine."

"I'd rather stay here."

"Why?"

Sirius shrugged.

"I was just upset before. I feel better now."

"I like being with you." His tone was harsh.

Remus said nothing, not looking up as Sirius stood up and walked to his own bed.

There was a rustling of linen as Sirius lay down.

Several silent, awkward minutes passed before Remus asked, "What time is it?"

Sirius opened his eyes and lifted his head so he could see James's clock. "Almost ten. Why?"

"Just wondering." Remus lay down on his side. "I wish James and Peter would hurry and get up here."

"Why?"

"I want to go to sleep."

"You don't have to wait on them..."

"They'll be loud when they come in."

"That's true." Sirius's eyes slowly closed.

After a while, Remus reached into his pocket to retrieve his wand. "Nox," his voice was a shaky whisper. Silence and darkness filled the room. A faint rustle of sheets came from Sirius's bed. Remus set his wand down on his bedside table. As he did this, it vaguely occurred to him that he was still fully clothed. It didn't matter. It wasn't like he was going to sleep comfortably, anyway.

He stared ahead into the blackness of his eyelids. He was so tired of it, of the sleepless nights spent trying to ignore his racing thoughts, trying not to think about the pocketknife under his pillow. Tonight, though, it was going to be okay. He only had to wait a little while, until James and Peter came in and went to sleep. If he fell asleep waiting, well then, so be it. Today really hadn't been so bad. If he fell asleep, then maybe he could feel better tomorrow, too.

His eyes flew open. No. Against his will, his thoughts began to race, swirling into a hideous mess of confusion and doubt, wherein, the only thing he was certain of was that he definitely could _not_ let himself fall asleep.

* * *

Love and Love

**SlashyKitty** - Teehee. Is utter depression a happy thing these days? **RonaldYHarry** - Hmm. That happens to me every time I try to read anything. Oh well. I hope you find this one more palatable and you keep reading. **elsie777** - Gyah. Fevers and Mirrors is the latest album I have, haha. Isn't that sad? I have eeeevvverything up to that point, though, even the EPs... It really makes me wish they didn't decide to block illegal downloads on my internet connection... either that or I wish I wasn't too cheap to buy CDs. Nevermind. I don't wish that. Illegal music sounds better because it's free. Kind of like how food tastes better when it's free, or clothes look better when they're cheap. I have seen no such movie entitled 'Secretary.' Is it good? What's it about? Spanking? **tineryn** - People reallly do miss things, and it doesn't mean they're dumb or not good friends or anything. Depression, especially when paired with SI, usually tends to be super-secretive. I went through something similar, and it was blaringly wretchedly obvious to me and the 2 other people who knew, but now I'm all "Oh, yeah, I was really fucked up back then" everyone else is like "Wha? Really? When?" even my good friends. So yah. I'm rambling. **chaeli.meep. **_You're_ awesome. **MiSS-x-MoOnY** - Yeah, I think 'him' would be a more apt pronoun, as everyone else in the band is just hired and they change out often. Yeah. Sex. **Ryyne** - Actually, I kind of ripped that from this book about the psychology of suicide. In one of the case studies, this guy said that he had been having dinner with his wife and some friends and it was all happy and good, and he went to the bathroom and passed by a stranger and said "I'm dying" and then he tried to jump off a building or something. I don't remember. I just really liked the idea that he couldn't show his pain in front of his family and friends, but could tell a perfect stranger so bluntly. Yeah. **henry** - Really, people don't tend to intervene. It's too awkward, and when they actually do intervene, the intervene-ee usually shuts them out. Or something. **bridit** - Why thank you... I think. **Shunnow** - All in good time. **Ceyxa** - I don't really count that as an actual attempt. I mean, all the Unforgivables are supposed to be freakishly hard. He knew it wouldn't work. It's the magical equivilent of taking 20 tylanols. You know it's not going to work. Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you! **Captain Oz** - Haha Lycra... That's silly. Yes, he is getting scarily mucked up, isn't he? It'll be okay, though. **suckers love** - I love _you_. **Shaggy Dog** - Hmm. I haven't really considered horror writing. I did have this really fucking scary dream last night... I should write about that haha. Thank you for the lovely compliments, and I hope that you're not speaking from personal experience with self-mutilation because that's unfortunate and it causes lots of problems and solves none. Heck yes. **butterflywings32** - Haha yeah, I know what you mean. Being dead often seems like a good idea, it's just the dying part that sucks lol. And the staying dead part. What do you play in band? I played mallets with my two best friends. Haha, we were the slackers of the band. It was great. During practice, we'd always just sit in the jazz room and build forts out of boxes and play with water guns and such. Good times. And I'm glad you got that it was a less-than-half-hearted attempt at suicide. Pshaw. He doesn't really want to die. Silly Moony. **Chocolate Martini** - Oh, gross. Homework. I should probably do some of that sometime. Eww. Haha YES! Someone got the 'stay gold':heart heart heart: You've made my day. **Clear Black Glass** - Pish posh. **sleeper6** - I'm glad you were able to overcome your ickiness. It's much harder than most people seem to think. You win! Yay! Haha yeah... the thing in the library is how we _know_ Remus is fucked, if he doesn't even react to girly irony. Hehe. And yeah... I do plan on following up with that. Or tacking it in here, maybe. I dunno. I like it. It'll get posted. **Ethereal Dawn** - HARDCORE! FUCK YEAH! I went to a hardcore show the other day and some guy accidentally punched me in the face and busted my lip and I somehow got a huge bruise that spanned my whole thigh. It was fun, but kinda painful. But that's probably not the kind of hardcore you meant. Thank you for the brownies and I wish you well. **Moonilicious** - Teehee. **Baranwyn** - Awesome. Isn't Per Solum Lacuna the fuckin' best? Gawd. I started freaking out when I saw it updated, but sadly, I didn't have much time to read, so it took me like a week to get through the newest chapter... Goodness that's an excellent fic. Yes. I love you. **Dust to ashes** - Awesome. I like you. **Selphiebunny** - Yay! **Mione** - Pish posh. Tis very hard magic, nay? I doubt he could have done it even if he really wanted to. Never fear! **sexyteleguchica** - I'm ever so glad you like my story. One thing about your review disturbs me, though. You do realize that 'butt' refers to someone's posterior, right? I do believe 'but' was the word you were looking for. **R.S.Azalea** - Hehe. We're all desperate. Sorta. **henry** - I'm ever so sorry! I'm slow and busy :( **Goldfishnumbers** - awesome. **Jamie88** - Yay. Thanks for reviewing. **Mandy** - I'm glad you found my story. Let's be friends.


	17. Only One Day

Title: To Be

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Slashiness? You like it.

Disclaimer: I'm not sure whether or not Between Home and Serenity is an embarassing band... I just dled their CD and I really like it, but I've never heard of them from anyone else. Poll time! Who all of you has heard of them? And if so, good or bad? It's just every time I tell people what bands I like, they kind of laugh and sneer and go, "Oh... so you like... _emo_..." all patronising-esque... I'm wondering if this continues the trend... But I dunno... after a four hour car ride of having to listen to my boyfriend's 90's pop-punk, rap, and techno, I think it's safe for me to say that music isn't good unless you can cry to it. Seriously. Most all my music makes me cry, and I like it that way! Don't judge! I can't help it! Uh... Anyway... that was a fun little tangent. And oh, yeah, J.K. Rowling. She's cool, too.

* * *

_When everything you'll get isn't what you wanted  
So then you look at me and I'm petrified  
My hands they won't stop shaking  
Tonight is all I have  
Can't stand  
I'm falling back from what we had  
Back from what we had  
I fall off this bridge into the water  
Hold my breath till all is silent  
We all know we make the same mistakes  
And then we know where we went wrong  
And when I think out loud, I don't know why  
Did you think I would turn around?  
Just stare you right in the face

* * *

"Remus!" Sirius's shocked cry pierced through the chaos of the roaring crowd. _

Remus quickly jerked his head up from his book, "What?" He looked up at Sirius, who was standing, as was everyone else in the stands, he noted with a tinge of embarassment Snapping his book shut, he jumped to his feet, leaning around awkwardly to try to take in everything around him as quickly as he could.

"Did you miss it?" Sirius's incredulous eyes accused Remus more than his scolding tone.

"What happened?" Remus looked around, trying to find the source of what had apparently sent everyone in the crowd shooting out of their seats, screaming and cheering.

"James just knocked Finney clean off his broom!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly, as if it were the best news anyone in the entire world could ever hope to receive.

Remus broke into a grin, his laughter kicking in a split-second later, "Excellent!"

"It was genius! Finney was just sitting there, right?" He re-enacted with his hands, "and James was coming like this, and then Ingram just..." he paused, reveling in the majesty of it all, "just comes hurtling out of nowhere straight at James! So James is all 'Urr!'" he jerked the 'James' hand in what was supposed to be a dramatic interpretation of surprise and alarm, "So James swerves this way, but Ingram keeps at him, trying to hit him with his club! He's –obviously—trying to knock him off, so James dives down like so, realizing too late that at that exact moment, Finney is still sitting there like a great git—"

"As usual," Remus added.

Sirius laughed, "So they're obviously about to violently collide, so James holds his arms out to cushion the blow, you know? But," Sirius broke out in a fresh wave of laughter, "at that exact moment, Finney, who completely didn't see James coming, decided that this was the opportune moment to take a little breather. So, he just... casually takes both his hands off his broom, like so..." Sirius leaned back, crossing his arms and staring dumbly into the roaring crowd.

Remus grinned wickedly, "I really should pay more attention at these things."

"It was beautiful!" The rest of the crowd started to settle down, no longer craning their necks to see Finney as he struggled to his feet and was helped off the field.

After the match was over, with Gryffindor coming out on top 170 - 80, Sirius and Remus filed out of the crowded stands along with the rest of the school, the Hufflepuffs looking rather dejected and the Gryffindors elated. They were all talking about James's midair collision and how it was right that Hufflepuff was penalized for it, seeing as how Ingram had _obviously _been out for blood and Finney _obviously _hadn't been paying attention to the game.

As they passed by the locker rooms, they parted from the rest of the crowd, heading round the corner of the building to wait for James to come out. To their surprise, Lily Evans was already standing there, waiting outside the door.

"Evans," Sirius nodded cheerfully in greeting, greatly amused to find her there.

"Black," Lily responded, mocking Sirius's tone slightly as she nodded her hello, "Remus."

Remus grinned, nodding back. There was an uncomfortable pause. Sirius and Remus could practically feel Lily cower under their stares. "So," Remus nonchalantly leaned his thin frame against the wall, shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes to reveal an expression of restrained glee. "What brings you here this fine afternoon?"

"Waiting on someone?" Sirius added quickly, trying to look as though the question were innocent.

Lily's face reddened as she turned away, laughing embarrassedly, "You two are awful, you know that?"

"Such cruel words..." Sirius melodramatically crossed his arms, muttering to Remus, "Don't know why James fancies—"

"Shh!" Remus put a finger up to his lips, giving Sirius a would-be warning glare as he whispered rather loudly, "We're not supposed to tell, remember?"

Lily rolled her eyes, laughing.

"Now, answer the question, Evans," Sirius said in a low and demanding tone.

"What question?" she exclaimed incredulously through a grin, "It's none of your business!"

Remus tilted his head slightly downward, furrowing his brow innocently, "Is it not?"

She just laughed again.

Sirius asked in a wildly confused tone, "Wait, wait! So you're sure you're not waiting on someone? Could it be that you're standing here because... because..."

"I've got it! She's waiting for the team to leave so _she_ can practice Quidditch, because..."

"Because she wants to challenge James for his position!"

"Of course! Or maybe, she's here on a secret mission..."

"To steal the game plans and sell them to the Slytherins!"

"Lily! How could you?"

"Fine!" Lily laughed, crossing her arms defensively. "James asked me to wait for him after the game. Happy?"

"He asked you to..." Remus repeated ponderingly, suddenly jerking his head up with a shocked expression, "This isn't a... date... is it?"

Sirius gasped loudly.

"No!" she blushed, "You two are so immature... I suppose the concept of platonic friendship is completely lost to you."

"Platonic..." Sirius whispered derisively, laughing silently.

"You guys should go down by the lake," Remus offered.

Lily nodded, "It's so pretty this time of year..."

"Yeah... and there's that one place on the far end with all the trees and bushes and such..." Remus grinned.

"Remus!" Sirius turned to Remus, saying loudly through his teeth, "Don't give away our secret snogging spots!"

Remus shrugged innocently, "I was just trying to think of activities Lily and James might enjoy..."

Lily made a noise of protest.

"A thoughtful suggestion, if you will..."

"You're so considerate," Sirius cooed, cracking up.

Suddenly, the door flew open as the Gryffindor team members exited, having changed out of their uniforms. Greetings were exchanged between everyone as they passed by, momentarily halting Sirius and Remus's playful torments. Last of all, James exited.

"James!" Sirius exclaimed jovially, sounding surprised to see him as he went over and clapped a hand on his shoulder in a very manly fashion, "Good show, chap! Nice move with Finney and all—"

"It was an accident," James interrupted, his face red as he glanced at Lily.

"Pish posh," Sirius shook his head. His voice suddenly took on a very excited tone, "You'll never guess who was out here waiting on you... Just _couldn't _meet at the castle. She _had _to see you the _second_ you got done..."

James smiled his greeting to Lily, "Yeah, I asked her to wait for me," he said in a rather blasé tone.

"Fascinating!"

"So, Remus," James started, deciding that Sirius had had his fun.

"So, James," Remus replied.

"What've you got there?" he gestured to the book in Remus's hand.

"Oh. Erm. Nothing," he poorly hid it behind his back, looking upwards innocently, shaking the hair out of his eyes.

"You said you wouldn't read anymore during my Quidditch matches," he said, sounding slightly hurt.

Remus looked down guiltily, "Sorry. It's just... I mean, it's interesting when you're out there knocking people off brooms, but, whenever you're not, it's just so... boring..."

"But, I mean, come on. I would never... er..." he tried to think of an example, "play with the snitch while you're uh... erm... reading... or... doing homework... or doing Sirius... or whatever it is you do."

"Sounds about right," Sirius shrugged, grinning wildly.

"Erm... I hate to break this to you, James, but... you _do_ play with the snitch while I do... all of those," he laughed.

"Oh. Right. But you get what I'm saying."

"Yeah. Sorry."

"It's alright. So, Lily," he turned to the girl. "What do you want to do?"

"Oh..." she said, obviously having presumed that James was going to think of something, "Well, we could walk down by the lake..."

Sirius and Remus both tried and failed to hold back maniacal laughter.

"Sure," James shrugged, smiling. "Later, guys." He and Lily started to walk off.

"That really was a great game, James..." Lily's voice faded into the distance.

Soon they were out of earshot for Sirius and Remus.

"Hmm," Remus nodded, impressed, "I see he's been promoted to 'James.'"

"Yeah, I imagine it'd be a real mood-killer if she were to call him 'you presumptuous pig'."

Remus nodded briefly before changing the subject. "Hey, come up the castle with me."

Sirius shrugged, walking beside him across the long field, frowning a little, "Hey, where's Wormtail?"

"You just now noticed he wasn't here?" Remus laughed, "You're such a good friend."

Sirius shrugged in a very well-what-can-you-say manner.

"He's off with that girl... erm... er... M... Mary...? No... M... M... I know her name!" he shook his head, "Well, he's with her. What's-her-face."

"Such a good friend, to remember one of your best mate's girlfriends."

"I know her name! I just can't think of it right now. But, yeah, he sat with her at the game and all. He told me he was going to at breakfast."

"Mmm," Sirius nodded, glancing over at Remus. Sirius's heart seemed to flutter. Remus was gorgeous. It had been two weeks since the full moon, so he didn't look all tired and sick. Instead, he looked... undeniably sexy. He had a kind of wimpy-chic thing going on. He had his white shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Sirius always thought Remus had sexy arms. They were just perfectly shaped, they way they were thin, but strong. His hands were absolutely perfect. He had these thin, delicate fingers, and his palms were hard and callused, yet somehow soft to the touch. He had the most amazing hands. And the most amazing chest. And the most amazing shoulders, and the most amazing neck, and the most amazing face. He was simply the most gorgeous creature imaginable. He had these full, soft, pouty lips that made you think all the wrong things. His eyes. His eyes were impossible. They were green and blue and brown and gold all at the same time. It was amazing. Sirius felt that he could look into them for hours. Remus's hair was somewhere between blonde and brown... Sirius couldn't quite put his finger on exactly what color it was, but right now it looked golden and shining in the bright afternoon sun. It was too long, always hanging down into his eyes. Sirius guessed Remus would say he needed to cut it, that it made him look like a derelict, but Sirius loved it.

"What do you need in the castle?" Sirius asked, realizing that he should probably come up with a reason for looking at Remus, as not to seem creepy.

"Oh," Remus responded, "I was just going to put my book up."

"What? You mean we're walking halfway across the grounds just so you won't have to carry that book around?"

"Mm," Remus seemed to think for a second, "Yeah, sounds about right."

"You do realize that you've probably expended more energy walking just now than if you just carried it around, right?"

"Yeah," Remus smiled.

"Alright," Sirius said, trying hard not to let the fact that Remus's smile melted him inside show, "Just making sure you knew..."

"I know."

"That's good."

"Mmm."

"Look, I'll carry it for you." He reached for the book.

"Its fine," he said as he held it out of Sirius's reach. "We're almost there, anyway."

When they finally reached the castle, the long shadow it cast seemed cold after staying out in the spring sun for so long. It was so dark inside the castle; it took until they were halfway to the Gryffindor common room before Sirius's eyes adjusted.

After walking for what seemed like ages, they reached their destination. The common room was completely deserted. Everyone was obviously making good use of the beautiful day. Sirius instantly flopped, pouting, into the nearest red, floofy armchair.

"Come with," Remus commanded, offering both his hands to get Sirius up.

"Why?" Sirius whined, taking Remus's perfect hands and reluctantly pulling himself up.

"Because I'll miss you."

"Isn't that nice," Sirius said, slowly following him up the spiral staircase.

"You mock my affections!"

"You make me walk ungodly distances!"

"I guess we're even, then, so stop complaining."

Sirius grumbled something under his breath as Remus pushed the door to the dormitory open. Sirius stepped in, waiting by the door as Remus walked over to his bed and unceremoniously chunked his book onto it. He turned around and paused a moment, looking at Sirius in a pondering sort of way. (Sirius glanced down at himself and then at the door behind him to try to figure out what Remus was looking at. Remus just continued to look at him with a stifled grin.

"What?" Sirius finally asked.

Remus shrugged, walking back towards Sirius, still stifling a smile. Sirius pulled the door open, stopping to let Remus go through.

Remus, however, simply pushed Sirius backwards into the door, causing it to slam shut as he pressed against Sirius, kissing him fiercely. Sirius quickly got over the shock of being shoved against a slamming door and deepened the kiss, pulling Remus closer with both arms around him. After a long while of their kissing becoming more and more intense, Remus pulled away slightly. Sirius continued to place quick kisses on his lips, grinning as he whispered between kisses, "That was random."

"Not really," Remus whispered back. Sirius could feel his perfect lips smiling as he kept kissing him, interrupting Remus as he continued, "I've been plan— planning it since the— the match." He pressed his lips hard against Sirius's as his hands found his waist, pulling Sirius's shirt untucked.

God, Remus was amazing.

Sirius sat blank and numb on his own bed. His eyes were aching and red as he stared at the empty, abandoned one where Remus's things ought to have been. He barely noticed his hands shaking as he wiped his stinging eyes. It had only been one day. One day. One day of classes, one day of the people he'd known for years. One day, the same as always, the only difference being that Remus's presence had been replaced with questions about his absence and the mundane boredom had been replaced with extreme nausea. Sirius had been told to tell everyone that there had been a death in the family, and that was why Remus had to go home. He stuck to that story, despite the fact that a rumour was spreading through some of the younger Gryffindors that Remus was deathly ill.

It had only been one day. He couldn't take this. Sirius lay down, curling his knees up to his face, loathing every tear, every ache, every thought, every memory, everything. He hated everything. He wanted Remus back. He buried his face in his pillow as he let out a sudden sob. He wanted Remus back.

That day had been perfect. It physically hurt him. Sirius found it mind-boggling that that perfect day had been less than a year ago. It seemed like a distant, early memory. It was so far gone. Not only Remus, but he, himself, he now realized, were so changed, so grossly mutated from what they had been that day. Changed indefinitely for the worse. He couldn't get that back. Neither of them would ever be the same. Sirius hated that something that had once been so perfect now seemed to only bring pain. Everything good had turned against him and all he could do was sit and cry. Sirius hated feeling so powerless. He hated that that only made him cry harder, made him more powerless. He didn't want this. He hated everything. His fingernails dug into his cheek. There was nothing he could do. He wanted out. He wanted to forget all about everything. Oh, god. Maybe this was how Remus felt.

At that thought, he suddenly sat up, took a deep breath, and went over to James's trunk to pull out his Invisibility Cloak. He stuffed it under one arm and was about to go downstairs, when he stopped. He turned around, digging through his own trunk for a moment. When he was finished, he had in his hands a quill, a small, ripped scrap of parchment, and a bag of excitedly jingling coins. He bent down, using his knee as a hard surface as he scrawled across the parchment.

_Borrowed your cloak to go to Hogsmeade. Be back tonight –Sirius. _

He placed it on James's bed and stepped out the door, down the spiral staircase, and into the empty common room, where he put on James's cloak. At that moment, there were only two things that he knew for certain: he couldn't stay in the castle another minute, and he had no idea what he would do once he was gone. Who knew? He'd probably wind up getting drunk in the Hog's Head and then doing something stupid like blowing all his money in a game of Wizard cards or getting a tattoo or renting a summer-home or something. At least he'd wouldn't be thinking about Remus.

* * *

I like The Starting Line. A lot. And Tokyo Rose. And Bright Eyes. Just thought I'd share. Now here's a bunch of people who I really love and with whom I want to enjoy a polygamous life-partnership. 

**IloveMoony04** - E-armadillo! Thank you ever so much! Hehe I feel honored to be on your alert more than once. **CrimsonReality** - Awesome! _Awesome! AWESOME! _**elsie777** - Ah, yeah, but the thing with Hermione was a far less awkward situation... And I'm glad you forgive me for not killing him off! Teehee. **Silver Angel 7 **- I love you! **chaeli.meep.** - Teh yayness! Teh lurve! You make me glad. **XxXSolo GirlXxX** - Aww teariness... I'm glad you like! **Goldfish682** - You'd better not! Doing things that happen in this story are bad, bad, bad and it just makes things like 80 times worse, and no one wants that unless you're Conor Oberst or something. And no one wants to be Conor Oberst. Hehe the sock thing reminds me of how I always say "You hurt my feeling!" and people are all "Feeling? Just the one?" Hehe. **MiSs-X-MooNy** - Mmm yesss. Gerard Way... Holy fuck! My friend's best friend is going on a fucking DATE with him in a few weeks! Can you believe that? Why couldn't it have been meee? And I like my scarf too :D **EsScaper** - ! I love you. **Captain Oz** ­- Aww I'm sorry I made you cry? I think? **Ceyxa** - Mistress... hehe... Angst is my sexy Latin lover ;-) I'm glad you like that part! I like it too, but I wasn't sure I executed it well... Oh well... **Mione** - Yay! You're awesome at living**. Bloody Corsets** - Fuck yeah it is! The two most adorably huggable boys I know are engaged to eachother... I understand it, though. I mean, if I were really hot and had to look at myself in the mirror every day, I'd sure as heck be a lesbian, haha. **Yoda2000** - I'm sorry about your mother... I hope all that's worked out for the best. And it'll get back to the letters eventually... **angeltread** - U! **R.S.Azalea** - Kittens! They're freakishly cute and fuzzy. Of course I'm writing more, silly! **bridit** - Ahh... Well, in America, if you put them inside a big decorative blankie, they're duvets, if no decorative blankie is necessary, it's a comforter. Hmm... I wish I were some nationality other than Amur'can... We're so lame. **Moonilicious** - Yay! Thank you! **Lieu Of Flowers** - I love you too! **atiqah** - Hot? Where do you live? I'm in fucking Alabama and it's cold... Well, cold for Alabama, anyway... I hate the cold :( **The mistress of mischief** - Aww... Oh, Sirius. **SlashyKitty** - Excellent. I'm glad you aren't dead. **sleeper6** - Hehe I'm glad you likey. I likey you. **tineryn** - Awesome. I shall have to check it out sometime. I don't think I'd kill art by majoring in it... The way I see it now, I'm starved for actual critism. I hate it when people are all "Ohh that's perfect!" I _like_ it when they're all "The shading there's fucked up, that part's too far over, etc..." Haha, so basically, I _want_ someone to bitch me out and tell me I suck and that I do everything wrong. And psh, reviews are more fun when they're completely unrelated. I love you :D **gasp **- _You're_ so beautiful. **Tsuki no Lomelinde** - Never fear! More story is here! **q.tripp** - Fuck yes Modest Mouse rules! I'm wearing my beloved Modest Mouse jacket right now :D They're like... my favorite band of all time. Others may come and go, but Modest Mouse stays forever heart And I'm too much of a pansy to not have a happy ending. **Maki** - Aww, I'm sorry about your computer, but I'm glad it's better now. It would make my heart sing with joy if you were to draw me some fanart! Just drop me an email or something if you ever do, because it would truly make my life. **sexyteluguchica** - _This_ fic is probably going to have at least 5 or so more chapters. I'm glad you laked it. **Chocolate Martini** - Hehe thank you, thank you! You're awesome and I'm glad I made your day happier!


	18. Better Off Dead

Title: To Be

Rating: P Gizzle to the thirtizzle.

Warnings: If you've made it this far without being offended, you won't be this time.

Disclaimer: **Q: **OH EM GEE wasn't Harry so HAWT in the bathtub scene? (correct answer at the bottom of the page). And Tokyo Rose is a fabulous band (for the whiny-of-heart, like me) Speaking of my whiny heart, I have a fun antecdote for all of you. Tonight I went to a restaurant, and there was this table of Slipknot kids in like... full Slipknot regalia... and as I walked by, they snickered. Then when I walked by again to go bathroom, one of them was like "Emo sucks!" and they started laughing again. I nodded enthusiastically and smiled. And then when I recounted the tale to my boyfriend, he was like "You were probably asking for it..." Gawd... Why the hate? Why? I hate my life :(

I love how I always get so distracted in this part and talk about stuff that has nothing to do with the story. But this, at least, does:

422 REVIEWS! HOLY SHIT! I feel so loved.  
But I must ask... Why is it that I'm on 95 people's alerts and only 25-30 review? Come on people! Do 65-70 of you not love me? I'll cry if you say 'No' through your cold, cold silence...

* * *

_The rain came down in buckets  
Submerging good and bad alike  
Waist-deep in water, you start grabbing at things  
That you think won't drift or sink down in the flood  
Did I drag you down?  
With my flesh and bone turned into stone_

_Unable to stand now  
Even though the tide has turned away  
Away, to insist to keeping me under_

_It's coming, it's quiet after  
But now you're nowhere to be found  
The greatest tragedy can come from all of this  
Now we know  
Sometimes your better off alone  
Did I drag you down?  
When my flesh and bone turned into stone

* * *

_

"Well, what should we do with him, then?"

Silence.

"He's not staying in the basement again."

Remus sat on the large sofa in his small living room. His house was modest, but nice. It was home, full of love, full of memories. All his life, it had been the one place he had ever felt truly safe and accepted. But last summer, the security of those fond memories had only served to torment him. Now, it felt even worse to be back in the place that had committed the cruelest treason against his mind. The sharp contrast between the welcome of years past and the sting of the present taunted him savagely. He quieted his breathing as he listened to his parents' faint voices arguing in their room.

"So we should just let him loose?"

"Let him loose? He's our son! He's not some animal—"

"He's a werewolf!"

"That didn't make him not our son for the last twelve years!"

"And it doesn't now! We just didn't know how dangerous he was until..."

There was a pause, "You know that was an accident."

"He could have killed both of us. He nearly killed me—"

"I know," Mrs. Lupin's voice said shortly. "But... but, Evander... Something's obviously not right. I know—I know how bad it could've been last July, but I also know that that was an accident." She paused. Her voice shrank, "He nearly killed _himself_, this time, and it _wasn't _an accident. It had nothing to do with the full moon. It wasn't some... 'uncontrollable beast', as you so kindly put it earlier. It was our son. Our Remus... Doesn't that do anything to you?"

"He's only trying to get attention, Claudia--"

"If he wants attention bad enough to do that to himself, maybe he needs it!"

"Well, what are we supposed to do, then?"

"I don't know."

"I think we should just tell him what's expected of him and let him work on it in his room for a few days."

"So, we should punish him?"

"Well... yes. His behaviour is unacceptable. He's our son. Aren't we supposed to teach him right from wrong?"

"Yes, but... how do you punish someone for something like this?"

"Just leave him in his room for a few days..."

"So he can—can hurt himself again?"

"Believe me, after the talk I'm going to give him, he won't dare. And if he does anything --suspicious--, then he'll get no dinner."

"Evander, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What motivation is that to someone who's been nearly starving himself anyway? I've never seen him look so thin... And besides, he'll be eighteen years old next month. It's not like he's a child who snuck out on his broomstick."

"Well, what do _you _think we should do?"

"I... I don't know." There was a long silence.

Remus felt sick. He didn't want to be there. He didn't want to be discussed. He didn't want to be anything. He just wanted... Remus lay down on his stomach, smothering his face in the couch pillow. He didn't know what he wanted. There was nothing he could do that would fix anything. He pressed his face harder into the soft pillow, seeing how long he could stand the labored, insufficient breathing.

"There's no punishment I can think of that wouldn't just backfire..." his mother's muffled voice came again.

His father didn't respond.

"Maybe we should have just taken him to St. Mungo's... I just... I don't think we know how to handle this."

"They'd turn him in."

"How do you know? There wasn't any problem with him at school..."

"Only because Dumbledore's been doing all he can to keep it quiet. How could they not turn him in? St. Mungo's didn't waste any time in involving the Ministry when I was there last summer. How those people that came in from the Department of Wizard Safety were going on about 'eradicating all threats to Wizardkind'... They're almost as bad as the dark wizards, in my opinion... Just making everyone think everything they do is to save people, even if they wind up killing just as many as the others... The whole time they were talking to me, all they did was prattle on about how they had found a way to identify against werewolves and other... 'sub-wizards', they called them."

"They're the good guys because they're out protecting muggle-borns and squibs and all, but at the same time they're out hunting down innocent wizards," his mother snorted derisively.

"I was reading the Daily Prophet on the way home from Hogwarts this morning."

"I know. Why?"

"They settled on a decision about Nathaniel Basham's murder. Of course, they didn't call it 'murder' in the article..."

"I've known his wife, Sarah, for ten years and she, at least, has never mixed with any suspicious types... What did they decide?"

Remus lifted his head, taking a few heavy gasps, feeling light-headed from the lack of air. Turned out he couldn't take it very long.

"They found him innocent of all charges. No 'dark dealings'."

"What's going to happen to the man in Wizard Safety who killed him, then?"

"Nothing," his father sounded disgusted. "The Bashams' get a hundred galleons as condolence."

"That's it?"

Apparently Remus's father silently confirmed.

"He murdered an innocent man! You'd think there'd be some kind of punishment..."

"Oh, it was just an honest mistake, no need for hard feelings," he said sarcastically.

Silence.

His father heaved a long sigh.

There was another long silence.

"But—Remus?"

Remus pulled his left sleeve up, slowly starting to undo the very top of his bandages. He had to see.

"Oh," his father responded, "Right. Apparently these people found a way to track down and identify werewolves. I'm not sure how... but it seems to work, right? I mean, they found all those others, didn't they?"

"I wonder why there were so many attacks last summer..."

Remus's eyes widened. He'd only undone enough to see little more than an inch of his wrist. It looked horrible, much deeper, bloodier, and all around more frightening than it had when he'd done it. He hoped Madame Pomfrey wasn't exaggerating when she said it'd only take a few days to heal if he used that potion. He sure as hell wasn't going to cut over that.

"I don't know. I wouldn't put it past the.. those... people to set those things up, you know? All the other attacks were on strangers. None of them knew their attacker. Maybe they tracked down the werewolves first, then set up the attack..."

"I don't know..."

"But, you see why I don't want him going to St. Mungo's, right?"

"I guess so."

Remus rewrapped the white cloth around the top of his wrist. He lay still for a moment, staring at his bandaged arm where it rested on his chest, watching it rise and fall with his shallow breathing. He pulled his sleeve back down, covering the bandage.

"And I know at least three of the werewolves that were killed were arrested somewhere public like that... I think one of them had been to St. Mungo's to visit a relative or something... seems like the others were at Gringotts and Diagon Alley, maybe. Something like that."

Silence. Remus frowned, then let out a soft, dark laugh. How ironic. He'd been afraid he was going to die, and that had made him miserable. The misery, warped and twisted with time, had then made him want to die. It was kind of funny. He'd never thought about it that way before. He was still afraid to die. Maybe he was just too tired of fear by now. Maybe he'd held his existence so tightly, so desperately trying to keep it safe, that he'd wound up crushing it. Remus's lips twitched into a mirthless smile. He really was an idiot. Nothing had had to change. He should have at least tried to cope. He could have prevented all of this. But, oh well. His eyes began to burn. It was too late now.

"So what should we do?"

"I don't know..."

Silence

"I guess... I guess we should just try to make things as easy for him as possible..."

"We can't just let him get by with doing this, though, Claudia."

"—I know. But what else can we do? We can't punish him, because, I mean... think about it... It just doesn't work. We can't send him to St. Mungo's. We can't just lock him downstairs—"

"The full moon's tomorrow," his father interrupted. "You know it's best for everyone if he's down there then."

Remus thought he felt his stomach plunge.

"I—Alright. But only that night."

"It was barely dusk last summer."

His mother sighed.

"Claudia, I'm not trying to mistreat him. I just... I just want everyone to be safe. It's not hurting him to be down there. He's safe down there."

"It might not be hurting him while he's transformed... but..."

"He's said before that he understood."

Remus stared at the ceiling.

"His understanding why doesn't make it any better, though."

"You didn't seem to have such a problem with it before."

"I—That—That was different. That was before all this..."

"So he cuts himself up a little and suddenly he's not dangerous?"

Remus frowned, listening carefully.

"No! That's not what I'm saying... I'm just... It just makes you think... I mean, if I were in his place, how would I feel...? I think spending all my time at home locked in the basement would make me feel pretty bad, too..."

"Don't try to make me feel guilty, Claudia.""I'm sorry... I don't know..." she sighed heavily. When she spoke next, her voice was quiet, "This wasn't how my life was supposed to be..."

"Mine, either. Or Remus's."

"I just... I... sometimes I wonder... If we could start all over, knowing what was going to happen with him, would you still have wanted—" She fell silent.

There was a long, heavy pause.

"Dear God, I can't believe I even think like that... What kind of mother does that make me?"

Remus's brow furrowed.

He heard his father take an audible breath, "I understand. I mean, right now, I can't tell if I want to hold him or give him the beating of his life," he laughed dryly.

"I mean, on the one hand... he's the perfect son. He's been prefect for three years, never been in trouble, he's always so polite, incredibly smart, he's always been just... such a joy for me and I'm so proud of him... But, on the other hand... I... I sometimes wish we'd never had to... That _he'd_ never had to..."

Remus lay on the living room couch in perfect stillness, not even realizing that he was holding his breath.

"Claudia..."

"Just... living with... all this for the past twelve years... It's ruined all our dreams... And it's just... I can't stand to see our son be so wonderful and so smart and talented and to know that none of it will do him any good. It's just not fair to him to have the whole world against him..."

His father sighed.

"He should be able to find a wife, have a family of his own, but he..."

A blank, mildly amused smile flashed over Remus's face.

"Maybe he really would be better off dead," his mother suddenly sobbed.

The half-bemused smile vanished. For a long minute, the only sound in the house was her crying. Remus felt like a brick had suddenly hit him in the head. Something in his chest was all at once trying to suffocate him, choke him, and strangle his heart. He sat up, staring blankly at the carpet, not taking anything in. His mind was buzzing, blurry with writhing despair.

"You don't mean that..." Remus's father finally said. "It's just a hard time right now."

"No... No, I don't... How could I even say something like that?" She sniffed loudly. "When I think about if he'd died last night..." The sound of sobs filled the house again.

Remus stood up abruptly, swaying slightly for a moment before walking blankly out the back door, letting it slam shut behind him.

"What was that?" Remus's mother jumped at the loud noise, her head jerking up, looking out her open bedroom door.

"I don't know..." his father said, striding out into the hallway and into the living room. He paused for a moment before crossing the room, opening the back door. Remus's mother walked frailly into the room, looking alarmed. "Remus!" his father called out the door at the boy's retreating figure.

Remus quickened his pace, choking back a sob. He didn't know where he was going. His mind had been completely blank up until a split second ago when he had heard his father's yell. Now it seemed ready to burst. He had to get away.

"Remus!" he marched into the large yard. Their house was very isolated, the closest neighbors being a good ways down the road. On two sides, the back and west side, their small, stone cottage house was surrounded by woods. Remus had dedicated his early childhood to trying to walk all the way across the wood, but at the age of five and a half, that urge to anywhere near the forest completely abandoned him. Presently, he still had a ways to go, though, as there were only a few scattered trees around him where he was now. It didn't really turn very woodsy for another few hundred meters. Remus kept walking briskly, staring down at the ground through blurring eyes. "Remus!" his father shouted again, running to catch up with him.

Remus was aware that his father was soon going to catch up with him. He didn't really see the point in turning this into a chase. He didn't feel like running. He didn't even know where he was going or what he intended to do. He just physically couldn't let himself sit inside and listen to his parents confirm his own loathsome theories about himself.

"Remus!"

Remus covered his mouth tightly with both hands to prevent a sob from escaping as he marched on. He heard his father's swift footfalls approaching from behind. He was less successful at blocking in the next wave of sobs.

"Remus!" Remus was almost pulled off balance as his father's strong hand grabbed his upper arm. "Where do you think you're going!" His voice was blaring.

Remus tried to pull away, to keep walking. His father's grip was strong. "Let me go!" he shouted violently, his voice splitting as he forcefully jerked his arm, wrenching it away.

His father once again latched on to his arm, and Remus once again tried to rip it away.

This time, he wasn't so successful at tearing away from his father's grip. Remus held his chin down to his chest to hide his rather obvious tears as Mr. Lupin put his hands firmly on both Remus's shoulders, his voice low and growling, "What do you think you're doing!"

Remus's back stiffened.

"Look at me!" He shook him slightly.

Remus allowed himself to be shaken as he continued to sob.

"Remus!" He shook him harder, his tone loud and barking again. "Are you listening to me?" he pushed him away slightly as he removed his hands from his shoulder. Remus made no attempt to catch his balance as he let himself be shoved completely over, falling to the ground in a crumpled heap. A resounding, painful clunk reverberated through his head as it hit a rock. Remus gasped in pain, keeping his eyes tightly shut as he lay disarranged on the soft ground.

"Evander!" Remus's mother shrieked, taking off from where she had been standing in the back doorway. "What did you do to him!"

"N-nothing! He just keeled over!" Remus's father dropped to one knee, "Remus! Are you alright?"

Remus drew himself into a ball.

"Why did you push him?" Mrs. Lupin yelled shrilly as she ran towards them.

"I—I didn't! Not hard enough to knock him down! I just—barely nudged—and he just fell over!"

Remus's curved back shuddered.

"Is he alright?" his mother cried breathlessly as she reached them.

"I think so... Remus?" he placed a hand on his son's shaking shoulder.

Remus twitched, jerking away. "Leave me alone," his voice broke.

"What happened, Remie?" his mother asked gently.

"Nothing," Remus snapped weakly, speaking into his hands.

"Are you hurt?"

He shook his pounding head.

His mother sighed, kneeling beside him. "Can you get up and come inside?" her voice was gentle, like she was talking to a very small child as she stroked Remus's hair. His mother gasped, "You're bleeding!"

Remus shook his head again, his eyes tightly shut.

"It's almost dark, Remus. Come on inside," his father urged tenderly.

Finally, after a good ten more minutes of his parents' urgings, Remus blankly stood up and started for the house, his parents confusedly following. When he got inside, he immediately went down the hall to his room, slamming the door in his parents' faces as they followed him, asking questions the whole time. Remus locked the door and lay down on his bed. He hadn't slept in his own room since the beginning of the previous summer. He closed his eyes, trying to keep his mind as blank as possible as he fell into a light sleep.

* * *

When he woke up, it was completely dark outside. For a while, he lay on his side facing the wall, staring at the stretch of beige in front of him. He wanted Sirius. No. He needed Sirius. He felt the back of his head, pressing his fingers hard despite the cold wetness and the intense stinging. He brought his hand back around in front of him, the tips of two of his fingers smeared with blood. Hrm. So, he was bleeding. He wiped the small amount of blood onto his dark pajama pants, which he'd worn all day.

Remus jumped slightly as someone knocked on his door. "Remus?" came his mother's muffled voice.

"Go away," Remus responded.

He heard her try to turn the knob. "I thought I told you not to lock your doors. _Alohamora,_" she said before trying the doorknob again, this time successfully.

Remus said, still facing the wall, "A locked door usually implies that one doesn't want people coming in."

"Thank you for that lovely bit of information," she responded dryly as she set down what appeared to be a large basket of Remus's clothes from school, all freshly cleaned.

"I want to be alone."

"Well, this is where—"

"Yeah."

"—my position as a mother comes in. Last time—"

"Probably."

"—you were alone, you—" she stopped dead.

"One hundred percent."

"So, erm, naturally, you can see why I feel less than comfortable with you locked in here by yourself..."

"I don't care."

She sighed, sitting down on the foot of his bed, "I didn't come in here to argue with you."

"Just to annoy me and invade my privacy."

"Precisely."

"You've succeeded."

Remus's mother tutted. "I just wanted to talk to you, Remus..."

"I don't feel like talking."

"I don't care," she said, mocking Remus's earlier tone.

Remus said nothing.

"Now... I'm not going to ask why you... did what you did, but... Please promise me that you won't do anything like that again..."

"What time is it?"

"It is," she checked her watch, "Seven-forty. Did you get a good nap?"

"Are you done talking now?"

After a long pause, his mother sighed. "I was also told that you've been, erm...hurting yourself? Often? Or so Madame Pomfrey presumed."

"Hrm."

"Is this true?"

Remus said nothing for a while before covering his face with his hands, "I don't want to talk about it," his voice was weak and agitated.

"Just tell me, yes or no..."

Remus remained silent.

"Remus, please. I won't be angry. I'm just concerned, and I think I have the right to—"

"Yes," Remus interrupted.

His mother drew in a deep breath, "Oh. Alright, then." She pursed her lips, staring at Remus's back, "How... How long has this been going on?"

"I don't know. Please leave me alone..."

"Remus, I'm going to stay in here until you tell me. So, look at it this way: the more you talk, the faster I leave."

Remus rolled onto his back, heaving a heavy sigh as he stared at the ceiling. "Since October."

She nodded slowly, turning her face away. Remus got the distinct impression that she was holding back tears.

Remus shook his head, his voice soft, "I... I don't know. It just seemed like the only thing I could do... and... Everything I couldn't handle, it gave me a break from..."

"What couldn't you handle?"

"I dunno. Everything. With dad and all. I felt so bad..."

She nodded again. "You know all that's fine now..."

"No! It's not fine. I—I..." he covered his face with his hands again, sounding irritated again, "It's not fine. At all."

She sighed, silently agreeing. "Did anything happen yesterday?"

"What do you mean?"

"That made you try to—"

"You said you weren't going to ask me why," Remus snapped.

"I—I'm not. I was just asking if anything happened. There's a difference."

Remus sat up, scooting backwards and leaning against the wall, facing his mother, but not meeting her eyes as he answered shortly, "No. Nothing happened."

"You can tell me, Remus..."

"Nothing happened. I had just... had enough. Everything is going wrong, and it's the only way I can fix anything..."

"It wouldn't fix anything."

"Yes it would."

"It's just an escape. Escaping doesn't solve anything."

"There wouldn't be anything to solve. That's the solution."

"Remus..."

There was a very long, very awkward silence. Remus's heart started to pound anxiously as an idea popped into his head. A really stupid idea, really, but since they were already 'sharing' and whatnot... He watched his mother stare straight at the opposite wall, her hands folded in her lap. Remus shifted slightly. His mother rose, wiping her face, "Well, I'd better go start cooking dinner." She walked over to the door. "Put those clothes up sometime before we—"

Oh, what the hell. "Mum?"

She turned around, "What is it?"

"Erm... Can I tell you something?"

"Of course, you can, Remus. What is it?"

Remus glanced around nervously, his chest beginning to tighten up. "Er, will you promise you won't tell anyone? Not even dad?"

Her expression grew more serious, "What is it?"

"Do you promise?"

She shut the door, crossed the room, and sat on the foot of Remus's bed. "Well, if it's something he needs to know—"

"It's not."

"What is it? Just tell me what it's about and I'll tell you whether or not I promise not to tell."

"Erm... Well," Remus stared uncomfortably at his knees, gathering them up to his chest, "I... erm... I've kind of been, er, dating someone... I guess..." He glanced up at his mother. "Do you promise?"

"Oh, of course! Don't worry." She tilted her head to the side, smiling at Remus, obviously relieved to hear anything that sounded remotely like pleasant news. "How come you didn't tell me before? Is this a recent development?"

"Er... No."

"Oh, really? Why didn't you tell us before, then?"

"I... I dunno."

"Well, how long have you been dating?"

"Erm... Let's see..." he furrowed his brow as he did some quick math, "Er... A year and four months."

"What? And you never told us?"

Remus shrugged, trying to convince himself that this wasn't as big of a mistake as it was beginning to feel like.

"Does she have a name?" his mother grinned.

"No."

Remus's mother laughed, "Alright."

"Yeah."

"Does she know about all this? It'd be tough to see you do all that to yourself... She does know, doesn't she? That this's been going on since... October, you said? My god..."

"Yeah. –" Remus stopped himself from saying 'he', "They know."

"None of this is because of her, is it? I know how rough these first relationships can be..."

"No, no. No... -They've really... been there for me," Remus smiled a little, "They've really helped a lot."

"Does she know what happened last night?" his mother asked quietly.

"Err, yeah." Shit. Remus could feel it. It was about to happen. His heart quailed as he realized that this was probably one of the stupidest things he'd ever done. Oh well. At least it was effectively distracting him.

"Did you get to see her before you left?" Remus's mother looked perplexed, "I don't remember seeing anyone in there..."

"Err...Well. They were there." Fuck.

She shook her head confusedly, "Hmm... How could I have missed her? What does she look like? The only person I saw the whole time was your friend... S--Sirius Black?"

"W-what about him?"

"Oh, I just wasn't sure I was getting his name right."

"Oh. Yeah. That's right."

"Well, what does she look like? Maybe I can remember..."

"Erm... I dunno."

"You don't know what she looks like?" his mother laughed. "Is she pretty?"

"Uh... I... guess..."

Remus's mother laughed again, "You need to have a better answer than that if she ever asks you."

"Yeah. Probably."

"But, how could we not have known? Did she send you any letters over the summer or Christmas or anything?"

"Er... You forgot to give me my post over the breaks."

"Oh," she suddenly looked shaken, "That's right... I'm so sorry, Remus... It was just that the accident had me and your father kind of—"

"—I know." Remus shook his head, "I know. Let's not— It's okay. I got them eventually."

She sighed pensively before trying to lighten the mood with more talk of Remus's mysterious girlfriend, "But did she write you? I don't think I remember a girl writing you... Let's see... I think I remember some from your friend James."

Remus nodded.

"I remember you had a lot from your friend Sirius..."

"Yeah." Remus's head was spinning with nerves. That had definitely, _definitely_ been a bad idea. It was odd. He was dreading the moment she made the connection, but, at the same time, it was kind of annoying him how she wasn't getting it.

"And your other friend... with the blonde hair? I'm sorry--"

"Peter."

"Peter, yes... Hmm..." His mother was staring up at the ceiling, her brow furrowed, obviously deep in thought. "Goodness. I just can't for the life of me remember seeing anyone but Sirius in there this morning..."

"Erm." Remus braced himself, his heartbeat threatening to strangle him. "There wasn't anyone else."

"Then how did you see her before you left? You didn't leave the Hospital Wing, did you?"

Remus shook his head as his wide eyes meandered about the floor. He attempted to brace himself for his impending doom.

"Did she drop by when your father and I were gone?"

"No," Remus said through a very tightly constricted throat.

"Then when'd you see her?" She laughed, "—Unless your girlfriend is Sirius Black." She had obviously expected to get some kind of laugh or protest or jest out of Remus. That was why she suddenly became very uncomfortable when Remus's eyes grew wide and he continued to stare at the floor, his whole body going rigid.

Fuck. Fuck. Remus's stomach was twisting itself into knots. On the plus side, the nervous rush was much, much stronger, and did a much better job of distracting him from his misery than cutting himself did. Although, the torrential anxiety was making him feel almost painfully alive, it was a much more bearable state of crisis.

His mother looked around uncomfortably. "Please protest or laugh or something. You're not serious about..."

Remus bit his bottom lip hard, still staring downward.

Remus's mother gave a short, nervous laugh.

After what seemed to be the longest, most awkward pause of his life, he said weakly, "Please, don't tell dad..."

His mother's small hands flew up over her mouth, her wide eyes blinking furiously. She took several deep breaths, her body swaying with each one. She gave another nervous laugh, "You..." another laugh, "Ha... Oh..." her voice was breathless, "Ha... I really didn't see that one coming... Haha... The perfect end to the perfect day..."

Remus murmured, "I'm sorry..."

She laughed again, "I... I thought for a second you were just trying to... to scare me or something," more nervous laughter, "But no... no, you just.. you just stepped in there and confirmed it for me..."

Remus said nothing, suddenly feeling the desperate urge to see blood. "Sorry..." He stared down at his hands. The smooth, blank skin was screaming to be cut open. He nervously ran the edge of his fingernail over the top of his left hand.

"You... you're serious?"

Remus nodded slowly, his voice constricted, "Yeah."

"Wow. I just... I really... _really_ don't know how to take that..." she laughed again, "Today just really isn't a good day, is it?"

Remus remained quiet.

For a while, his mother was quiet, too. After another few incredibly awkward and tense minutes, she said again, her voice slightly hoarse, "I guess... that's why he was so concerned this morning... Refused to leave..."

Remus nodded.

"Well, I just... I just don't know what to say..."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no... It's just... a lot to take in in one day..."

Remus continued to drag his fingernail over the back of his hand.

"What made you decide to tell me?"

"I... I dunno."

"Mm," his mother nodded once, "Well... I'm glad you did. I'm certainly not saying I approve or really even... comprehend, at the moment... I guess it hasn't really sunken in yet... but, I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you can be honest with me," her tone was still rather nervous and shaky. "And you're sure this has nothing to do with you—"

"No. He's--he's the only person who cares about me."

"What about your father and me? We care about you more than anything in the world."

Remus pursed his lips uncomfortably, meeting her eyes doubtfully for a split-second. "You locked me in the basement."

"I—"

"—It's kind of hard to imagine that you cared a lot about me at that point..."

His mother was silent for a moment before saying, "Remus, you know your father and I care about you. It was just—"

"—I know. I understand. But... I dunno... Maybe it's stupid, but... I understand all that, but it still doesn't... undo it, you know?"

His mother nodded slowly, drawing in a deep breath. "Does... does... _he_... know about your condition?"

Remus hesitated for a moment, fully prepared to say 'no', but for some reason he caught himself. "Yes," he said quietly. What point was there in lying? "He figured it out on his own in third year. He hasn't told anyone."

"Are you sure you can trust him with something like that?"

"He hasn't told anyone for four years." Except Snape, he thought bitterly. No. Sirius all he had now. He certainly didn't need to think about that, and his mother _definitely_ didn't need to find out about that now.

His mother sighed, standing up. "I need to go make dinner before I have a heart attack."

"Mum," Remus stopped her from leaving again. "Do you promise you won't tell dad?"

"I promise. As long as you promise that you'll tell him eventually. These... This isn't the kind of thing you can keep a secret."

"...I will."

"And while we're at it, I want you to promise me that you won't... that you won't... hurt yourself anymore."

Remus said nothing.

His mother waited expectantly for a second before sighing.

"I'm sorry," Remus said quietly, looking down at his hands.

His mother stared blankly ahead for a moment, "Right. I'll get you when dinner's ready," she walked out the door, shutting it gently behind her.

Remus drew in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh as he flopped over, laying on his side.

The overwhelming sense of being alive had left him. He marveled at how fast the change had come. Only a moment ago, his nerves had made him feel exhilerated. It had been such a wonderfully bearable distraction. But now... Now, the familiar, vague, burning sense of dread came back over him. He dimly recognized that the conversation he had just had with his mother was going to completely change his life, but, for some reason, it didn't seem to matter. He still felt the way he always did: guilty, small, and hopeless. His desperate attempt to skew his situation hadn't worked. He should have known. Nothing he tried to improve his mood ever worked. He couldn't even kill himself properly.

Worthless. Worthless, terrible, stupid. Stupid. Powerless, spineless, hopeless. Pathetic, addicted, desperate weakling. His brow furrowed. Taking a deep breath, he crossed his arms tightly, trying to find comfort in his own closeness. It wasn't the same. He needed Sirius. He was the only thing that could help him. If only Sirius could be there, could hold him, tell him everything would be alright...

He had knives.

But that didn't work. It was just a problem that disguised itself as a solution. The relief would only last a moment, then he would feel worse. Just like his confession to his mother: it brought a temporary distraction, but would undoubtedly make things much worse in the near future. But... Could he really feel any worse than he felt right now? He didn't care. He'd worry about that later. For now, he just desperately needed _something_ to take the pain away, even if it was only for a moment.

He got up and went to his dresser, pulling the top drawer open, his hand searching for one of his knives. After a while of rummaging around, he found one. Another pocketknife, larger than the one he took to school. He hadn't seen that one since the night before. He assumed that it had been confiscated and that he'd probably never see it again. Oh well. He hadn't ever used this other one before. It was probably sharper. Remus pulled the knife open, standing still for a moment as he tried to figure out where he would cut. Naturally, he couldn't do it on his arms. He went back to his bed, sitting on the edge, one leg propped on the other. He pushed his pant leg up to his knee, hesitating a moment, staring at the scarred skin. Taking a deep breath, he glanced at his knife as he tightened his grip around the handle. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Remus," came his father's voice, "You've just gotten an owl."

Remus shoved the pocketknife under his blanket and pulled his pant leg back down, crossing the room to open the door. His father handed him a plain white envelope. "Thanks."

"Are you," he paused, looking at Remus very seriously, "are you alright?"

Remus nodded.

"About what happened outside—"

"It's okay."

"I don't know what came over—"

"I don't want to talk about it."

His father laughed, "Neither do I, really. I just wanted to make sure you were alright... You scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry."

"You've scared me a lot today... It's... well, it's been scary," he laughed again quietly. He shook his head, becoming serious again, "I... We almost thought we lost you, there, for a while this morning... And then when you woke up... Me and your mother were so happy when we thought we were going to get to talk to you... You have no idea..." he gave another short laugh, "Then you just started... Do you even remember? You weren't yourself... I thought maybe you were in some sort of... I don't know... some sort of... state..."

"Yeah." Remus swallowed, leaning against the doorframe uncomfortably, "I--I knew what I was doing."

"Oh. Well, then... That, erm... Yeah," he nodded, "that... That's... I'm going to go help your mother in the kitchen. Do you need anything?"

"No."

"Are you going to be alright by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Right. Well... why don't you come out and keep us company?"

"I will. In a minute."

"Alright."

"Thanks," Remus said, closing the door as his father started down the hall.

Immediately, Remus flipped the white envelope over to see the address, more than slightly disappointed when it wasn't from Sirius. From Peter. Remus took a deep breath as he opened it, fearing that the letter could be rather awkward, seeing as how, as far as he knew, neither Peter nor James knew things were as bad as they were.

He read aloud in a soft monotone whisper, "Dear Remus sorry for not writing as soon as I found out Sirius told us what happened at lunch and all of us have been so worried about you I hope you're feeling better soon I know what you must be feeling right now I know it's hard but everything will heal with time I never got to," his voice suddenly became incredibly confused, "to meet your... Aunt Edna? What the...?" he laughed to himself as he continued reading, "but I'm sure she was a wonderful woman and I'm sure she's in heaven hope to see you back in school soon I'll be thinking of you and your family your friend Peter." Remus choked back a laugh, "How sweet."

He crossed his room, rummaging through his trunk to find one of his books. His amusement over Peter's letter didn't wane until dinner that night.

* * *

Bless ye - **Lieu Of Flowers** - Yay! **Mwpp** - You're the best reviewer at I love you! **chaeli.meep** - Bwahaha my trick worked! **elsie777** - My boots aren't dirty! They're just kinda... drawn on all over and have huge gaping holes in them... Man... I need new shoes... These are getting ridiculous. Aww! I really like _you!_ **Captain Oz** - What manner of farm country are you from? I'm from farm country! Yay! And don't worry about the cooking... I'm sure others can pick up the slack. It's all about the lovin' anyway haha. **Briryan** - Woohoo! Thank you! **Mione** - Awesome! Wizard alcohol poisoning! That's just what we need right now, isn't it? Haha. **Bloody Corsets** - Teehee. I tricked you! **sPinnErs-eNdx** - Gawd, I know! Why not us? Between Home and Serenity is good, I've decided. They kinda remind me of My American Heart, only with a less pre-pubescent singer... Not many people have heard of them either, though, so that probably doesn't help. And no, I've never heard of killradio? Are they splendid? I'll have to give them a good ol' illegal download as soon as I'm somewhere without gay internet-blockage. **The Cotton Candy Kisses** - I dunno. Bright Eyes is technically indie, but he whines so well that it's delightfully emo. I dunno. Genres can be kinda gay and discriminatory, but at the same time they're helpful for finding new music. Yay! **SlashyKitty** - Uh oh! Losing brain cells is never good! I try to be nice to mine in case I ever need them to do me a favor, hehe. **EsScaper** - Awesome! Distraught drunken Sirius! Woo! **Atiqah** - Singapore! Wow! That's all far away and awesome. Jealousy ensues. **The Mistress of Mischief** - Yay, my trick worked! Hehe. Aww, I hope you don't still feel bad. Being sad sucks and prevents you from doing many awesome things. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself when I'm in a good enough mood to listen. **lone wolf called love** - loving you **q.tripp** - Yay! Thank you! **Baranwyn** - Awesome. Fluffy things are good. And so is Between Home and Serenity. **tineryn** - Oh no! The thing with the soup... something similar happened. I have a water heater, and it exploded all over my hand... Boiling water + flesh sad face Hm. The formatting very well may have been messed up. I dunno. None of the actual story was supposed to be in italics. Maybe one day I'll get unlazy enough to fix it. And it's totally the same... what you said about your writing, only with me and my art. Yay! And yeah... it's really offensive that our government is more concerned with their own paychecks than the fact that like 10 of middle-class citizens' paychecks go to gasoline nowadays, or, say, the fact that they're wasting all of Earth's natural resources. Hah! Fuck future generations! _We're_ not going to be around to miss a time when the Earth wasn't sucked dry. Bah. And complaining is okay. You can complain to me any old time you want. :D **siriusly delusional** - I don't think you're at all bashing, but I'm going to have to try very, very hard to restain myself from launching into a 10 page explanation. I'm fascinated by suicide... I've studied countless books on suicidal psychology and methodology (I disturb myself sometimes... O.o) and I have years and years of firsthand experience with self-injury, and I've done more than my share of research into that, too. x.x;; Suffice to say that people with any sort of psychological disorder (including chronic/severe self-injury) are many, many times more like to attempt or commit suicide than the general population. However, the majority of people in their teens who SI _don't_ have an underlying psychological disorder and use it mainly to cope with situational problems, and can easily overcome their SI through therapy and learning better coping skills, so, no, they probably wouldn't be likely to attempt suicide. It's completely different and much more complicated if you have a psychological thing going on, like depression, bipolar, anorexia/bulimia, schoziphrenia, etc... Agh I need to stop myself. No 10 page explanation. Erm. I guess if you want the 10 pager, you can email me? I doubt you do haha. I'm sorry :'( I just get really worked up on this particular subject. **Desanges** - Aww, sad! I don't have other stories to check out. I had more on my old account, but I deleted them all... Oh well. **Silver Angel 7 **- Haha yess. thank you! **Maki** - Pwned! **bridit** - Cricket... I don't even know how you play cricket... But that's okay, because I don't know how football works either, and it's like THE sport here in Amurka (have to get that George W. Bush accent in there hah...). Thank you thank you fo ryour lovely review! **Stray Kitty** - Yay! Thank you! **sleeper6** - Hehe yes, banter is always fun. I'm ever so glad you liked it. **Lii** - Awesome! Thank you! At least _someone_ likes my music... :D **Miskotjov** - It was a house elf... Not very exciting, eh? I suppose that's why my beta told me to take that bit of explanation out, haha. Oh well. Now you know x.x;; **Rei Asakura** - Yay! _You're_ an amazing fic! Please do not WEEP!

* * *

**A: **No. Harry Potter is asexual, or at least, should be... Although the monster in his pants from HBP would beg to disagree... Ewwwww!  
How many of you scrolled all the way down here from the top to see the answer? I'm just curious... 


	19. The Quidditch Supply Shed

Title: To Be

Rating: T or whatever

Warnings: Nothing especially nasty in this one...

Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is pretty cool. So is Conor Oberst, my fiance and one true love (seriously). The song isn't particularly relevant to this particular chapter, moreso the story as a whole... Big picture, people, big picture! There's one thing I don't get, though, and this might make me look stupid... I dunno... What's up with the 'paint the foil with the flame / smear thesoda, taste butane' thing? I don't get it... I think I'm nïave

Please review? Pretty please? It'll make me ever so glad.

* * *

_I heard you fell into a rabbit hole  
Covered yourself up in snow  
Baby, tell me where'd you go  
For days and days?  
Did they make you stay up all night?  
Did they paint your face that pasty white?  
You're thirsty but your appetite is chased away  
The sun turns us to stone  
It's a cloudy day but we still can't go  
Up and out that cellar door  
Till we see the moon, we're invisible  
No one ever takes the garbage out  
The neighbor kid gets dared to touch the house  
He runs back only to announce there's no one home  
So we paint the foil with the flame  
Smear the soda, taste butane  
For every fear that can't be named __to calm you down  
Your heart starts skipping steps  
So you're farther gone  
Than you might expect  
If your thoughts should turn to death  
Gotta stomp them out like a cigarette_

* * *

"Padfoot," James's voice reprimanded.

"Is he awake?" came Peter's voice.

"No, but I'm tired of waiting."

Sirius pretended to still be asleep as he felt James sit on the edge of his bed. God, his head was throbbing...

"Here, poke him." James began to jab Sirius in the side.

Another pair of hands joined in.

"Stop! Stop it!" Aggravated, Sirius rolled over, away from the other two.

"Get up!"

"No."

"Padfoot!"

Sirius pulled the blankets over his head.

"For the love of—Look. It's like this: breakfast starts in about—" James looked at his watch. "—about now. Get up or we're not going to make it back in time for Potions."

"I don't care," replied Sirius's muffled groan.

"Something tells me they're going to be suspicious if all three of us are missing."

"So you two go."

James looked to Peter.

"Padfoot, please..." Peter urged.

"We're not just going to leave you here."

"What do you mean 'leave me here'?" Sirius pulled the blankets down to his chin, his aching eyes darting around the shabby room. Next to the bed was a dilapidated nightstand, which looked like it had been charmed to stand level enough to balance the dusty, crooked candle that sat atop it. The dingy brown carpet, which must have once been green, judging from the blank spots where furniture once stood, was coming loose, curling up on itself as it approached the heavily stained walls, revealing the rotting floorboards beneath. Across from the bed was a desk, in roughly the same condition as the nightstand. An intricately cracked mirror hung on the wall above it. Sirius was bewildered to realize that it showed the reflection of a different room, in which a wretchedly old wizard sat smoking a pipe as he stared right back through the mirror. "W-Where the hell are we?"

"At the Hog's Head, you great tit," James enunciated, greatly annoyed, seemingly not concerned by the mirror.

Sirius frowned, squinting as he tried to place the events of the previous night into some sort of chronological order. He ruffled his hair as he sat up. "Ow!" His hand automatically jerked to his right upper arm. "God, what—" He pulled up his sleeve to see what the cause of the unexpected pain was.

"Oh, god," James scoffed. "We failed to notice_ that_ when we dragged you up here last night."

Sirius lightly traced a finger over the three plain black bands that circled his arm, surrounded by red, raised, irritated skin. "Hmm... " he laughed, "simple... classy. God, it burns!"

"Yeah, well, that's what you get."

"I guess." Sirius held his head back to survey the tattoo, still laughing. "Now, you'd think I'd remember having that done..."

"You'd think." James crossed his arms.

"I guess that makes me a total badass," he sounded a tad more than impressed with himself.

James made a loud, huffy noise.

"What?" Sirius blurted defensively.

Peter, who was standing at the foot of the bed, gave Sirius an apologetic smile.

"Get up!" James commanded again.

"What's wrong with you?" He rubbed his arm again, flinching slightly.

"We don't have time for this!"

Sirius sighed, "So what? What's the worst that could happen?"

"I—" James thought for a moment before shrugging defeatedly. "Fine. Have it your way. I guess it doesn't really matter... We'll probably just get detentions... Well, except for you, Padfoot. You'd better get worse—"

"What's your problem, Prongs?" Sirius cut him off.

"What?"

"Why so bitchy?"

James simply glared at him.

"We—We were just worried about you," Peter started.

"Until we actually found you," James interjected. "Then we were just 'bitchy'-ed about you."

"We'd been looking for you all around the castle all night until we found your note—"

"—At two a.m. Conveniently, the last very place in the castle we thought to look—"

"Yeah. So then we walked all the way over here—"

"—With no Invisibility Cloak. Thanks for that, by the way."

"Yeah, and then Honeydukes was closed and we couldn't get out without setting off the alarm—"

"So we had to go _all the way_ back to Hogwarts and come _all the way_ back through to the Shack—Speaking of which, why the hell did you lie to us about Moony?"

"What?" Sirius and Peter said in unison.

James glared down menacingly at Sirius, his arms folded tightly across his chest.

"Wh—I didn't lie to you!" Sirius tried to sound as offended as possible by James's accusation.

"Oh. Right. His parents have to come up and pack his stuff for him because his bloody aunt died."

"He—"

"And then you skip out on all your classes and won't say a word to me or Wormtail about where you've been all day—"

"I—"

"Then yesterday, you mope around all day, feeding everyone that stupid story, and then you run off by yourself to go get pissed with that prat from Zonko's because Moony's fucking aunt died."

Sirius said nothing.

"I'm sick of you and Moony living in your own private little world. Always running off together—You hardly ever hang out with me and Wormtail anymore, and heaven forbid you two actually let us in on any of your little secrets or whatever. I was damn well surprised when you didn't just go on home with him!"

Both James and Peter stared at Sirius expectantly, waiting for some kind of explanation.

Finally, Sirius said, "That's not how it is..."

"Well, then, how is it?"

Sirius sat still for a moment, his heart pounding. After a while, he shook his head, "I don't know..."

"Great," James scoffed.

There was an invasive silence in the small, dirty room.

"Wait," Peter said slowly. "So... did his aunt die or not?"

Sirius took a deep, hesitant breath before quietly replying, "No."

"I knew it!" James said with fervor.

Peter made a face.

"What?"

"I'm such a git..."

"Why?"

"I—I sent him a letter last night saying how sorry I was for his loss and a bunch of other complete bullshit," he laughed a little.

James gave a short laugh, "Wormtail, you doof."

Sirius joined in on the quiet mirth. "Well, at least he's more considerate than you, Prongs."

"No. I'm just better at telling when you're full of shit. It just didn't add up, you know?"

"I guess..."

James scratched the back of his head, looking away, "Sorry for yelling at you before, Padfoot... We've just... We've had quite a night."

"Quite a few days, really," Peter added with a heavy sigh.

"Sorry. Well... Thanks for coming to save me from my stupid, I guess."

"Our expertise comes from years of practice."

Sirius laughed, pressing his hand to the back of his head, which was beginning to pound. "Wait. Who did you say I was with, again?"

"You don't even remember?" James grinned, shaking his head. "Oh, Padfoot…"

"That guy, Isaac, who works at Zonko's."

"_Him_! Eww, I remember now! God, I hate his guts!" Sirius spouted automatically. He took a moment to reflect. "Well... Guess he couldn't be all bad, though, after the excellent night we had... apparently..." he finished with a grin.

"Padfoot!" James gasped as if Sirius had just spoken treason, "He refused to sell us that self-igniting vomiting syrup!"

"Maybe if you hadn't told him what we were going to do with it—"

"We _needed_ that! It was the key ingredient!"

"But aren't you Head Boy, Prongs?"

"—That's getting kind of old, you know—"

"Oh well," Peter interrupted conclusively.

There was a short pause before Sirius laughed again. "I feel like complete shit…"

Quiet laughter filled the room for a moment before it turned to awkward silence.

"So what really happened, then? To Moony?"

Sirius didn't respond.

"I figured he'd got hurt or something, but then you gave us that crap about his aunt..."

Sirius leaned back against the headboard, crossing his arms as he glanced back up at the mirror, which now showed a different, vacant room.

"My current theory is that the Ministry got him."

Peter's eyes widened as he considered the possibility.

"But even that doesn't make sense," James said exasperatedly.

"How?" Sirius asked. He really, really didn't want to have to tell them what happened. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't even think he could, the way his head and arm were throbbing.

"Well, you obviously know what happened, and if he'd been hauled off somewhere to—" James couldn't bring himself to say it, "—to whatever, you certainly would have told us and we'd be off on a rescue mission right about now. That goes for any other possible situation where he might be in some sort of immediate peril."

Sirius nodded.

"So, I guess what I'm getting around to is that I have no bloody idea what's happened to him and that you should tell us because we're his friends, too, and I –I can't speak for Wormtail, but I'm sure he agrees— have been really worried and concerned and—and..." He tried to think of another fitting emotional state. "—and worried—" he realised he'd already said that, "—again…"

Peter nodded.

"And now you've got to start talking so I can stop prattling on like this."

Sirius's lips twitched into a small smile.

"Go."

"I—I dunno..." Sirius sighed, his smile fading. "I really don't think it's my place..."

"Do you think I give a fuck?" James asked matter-of-factly.

"Okay..." He thought for a moment. "Okay... what do you guys know?"

"About what?"

"About Moony."

"Nothing! That's what I just got through telling you—"

"No, no." Sirius's brain was having trouble functioning. "I mean in general."

"Err..."

"He's a swell guy, and all... casually a werewolf... that's kind of awesome... pretty bad at Quidditch... I, uh, we know him pretty well, if that's what you mean... Him being our good friend and all... Padfoot, you're a git."

"I meant recently-generally."

"Oh... I dunno. You mean about him going wonky?"

"Yeah."

"Err..."

Peter shrugged.

"It'd be a lot easier for everyone if you just told us."

Sirius heaved a great sigh. "Okay... Basically, he's been really… fucked up lately, I guess you could say. You guys know how he's been weird about the thing with his father..."

They both nodded.

"Well, I think it messed with him more than we thought. He's been—," Sirius's chin quivered involuntarily, "really bad."

"What do you mean?"

"How?"

Sirius stared down at his feet, his brow furrowed. "He… I don't know."

"Padfoot…"

"What? It's… It's hard," he paused, "to have to put it into words…"

"That's never a good preface…" Peter noted grimly.

"Well, he couldn't have –died— or anything…" James reassured himself.

"No," Sirius murmured. He shut his eyes. His head. His whole body was starting to ache. He took another deep breath, opening his eyes. "He's been really… depressed, I guess."

They both looked at him expectantly.

"And he—he's been… hurting himself." His words sounded crude and awkward in his own ears.

James sat down on the foot of the bed.

"What?" Peter asked as he sat on the bed next to James, looking at Sirius. "I don't get it."

"I—"

"What do you mean 'hurting'?" James didn't look up.

"I—I don't know. Cutting himself, mostly… His arms and… everywhere." He shook his head. "I went through his trunk a few times, though. Never found anything he could have used… I guess he could have been using magic. It didn't look like it, though..."

James nodded slowly.

Peter stared at him, alarmed.

"But—" Sirius continued.

"Why?" James interrupted

"Why what?"

"Why would he do that?" He sounded vaguely irritated. "Was he trying to — kill himself or something?"

Sirius hesitated. "No... just... I don't know… He tried to explain it to me once, but I didn't get it… I mean, he made it make sense, but not... sane-people sense. I don't know." He tried to ignore the fact that James and Peter were staring at him. "He said it made him feel better..."

Dead silence.

"Yeah, um, that makes no sense whatsoever," James laughed agitatedly.

"How come neither of you ever told us?"

"I... I guess it seemed like it'd be betraying his trust or something… He always treated it like a huge secret. He'd try to hide it from me and all… pretend that he'd stopped, when he really hadn't…"

"So how did you find out in the first place, then?"

"I overheard in the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey was treating him after he'd passed out after full moon."

"But, it wasn't bad, was it? I mean, you can't very well do any serious damage on purpose…"

Sirius frowned. "It was bad." He hesitated, trying to think how to best describe it without getting wildly upset. "It was bad," he repeated.

"But how could he do that?" Peter cringed. "How bad?"

"I don't know…"

"Wait, but the full moon's tomorrow—" James said suddenly.

"Yeah. Just now, didn't you say it was after the full moon?"

"In October. Months ago..."

"Oh."

"So what? Did Dumbledore just now find out or something?"

"I—I don't know."

"So they just randomly packed him up and shipped him home?"

"You've known about this since October and you never told us?"

"I'm sorry, I really am..."

"How come they waited until now to do anything?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

Sirius shook his head, feeling his eyes start to burn.

"They wouldn't just randomly decide now to send him home. Something had to have happened—"

"Yeah, they wouldn't just—"

"He tried to kill himself." Sirius loosely covered his eyes. "Okay?"

Peter's eyes went wide, his jaw slowly falling slack as he processed what had been said. As Peter gaped at Sirius in shock and horror, James's brow furrowed, his eyes staring unfocused at the dirty carpet on the other side of the room.

After a long while, James crossed his arms rigidly. His chin was set at a harsh angle as he started, "But--" he faltered, but quickly found his voice, "But... you said he wasn't—" He cut himself off.

"No." Sirius shook his head slightly. His sentences were choppy, "He—he wasn't. Just— this time he was. Not before—"

"Well, how do you—"

"It was pretty damn obvious," Sirius spat the words out.

"How..."

"James..."

"How did he do it?" James continued to stare straight ahead as he brutally voiced his curiosity.

Sirius drew in a sharp breath. "Why does it matter?"

"Because he's our friend, too."

Sirius stared hard down at his lap.

"Well, at least, is he okay?"

"Yeah."

"He's not locked up in St. Mungo's or anything, though, right?"

Sirius shook his head. "No. He went home. He-- His parents-- I don't think..." he sighed, "I don't think they know what's best for him."

James nodded.

There was a very long, awkward silence.

"Um," Peter delicately started after a while. "Shouldn't we be heading back?"

No response.

"Come on, we don't want to miss Po--"

"Who gives a shit about Potions?" James scowled for a moment before purposefully striding towards the door. "Come on."

"What?" Sirius pushed the covers out of his way, clutching his head as he sprung out of bed. "Where are you going?"

"The Quidditch supply shed."

"What?"

"We need brooms if we're going to go to Remus's."

* * *

Review? Yes? Please? I love you.

Speaking of reviews, this is where the review responses would usually go. However, as you may be aware, has made a review-response thingy, and said that responses within the story are henceforth forbidden. Forbidden! That means that I can respond to those of you who leave _signed_ reviews, and I've responded to most of you from the last chapter, but I've been rather busy... but I assure you, if you haven't recieved a response from me, it's coming! Also, this means that I can't respond to people who leave _unsigned_ reviews... Thus I BEG all of you... PLEASE sign up for an account and leave a signed review, because I really love the communication with you guys, and I have no way of doing that if you don't have an account. So Please PLEASE sign up. It takes like 3 seconds and it's free. What've you got to lose? Please?

Who do I love? All of you! Yes I do! Yay!


	20. Pointless, Selfish, and Rash

Title: To Be

Rating: Oh, I dunno.

Warnings: This one might not be very good... My self-confidence wanes. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling. Yayuh. And my true love, Conor Oberst. And yes, I know that I've butched this song to make it fit my own devices x.x;; It's cool. Artistic license.

As for the month and a half (or thereabout) gap in updates... I'm so sorry! I can explain! Please! Don't hate me! Okay, here goes -- the second week in December, I got out of school and spent a week with my boyfriend, sans computer. Then, my scary Jesus-school closed the dorms for the holidays, so I had no place to live and had to return to my boring-ass hometown to live with my mother for a month and a half. Usually, my mother has wireless internet. She also breeds these wretched, expensive cats. Apparently sometime after Thanksgiving, my mother's internet abruptly decided to stop working. I blame the cats. So here I am, updating from Barnes and fucking Noble and forced to live in a place where 20 billion cats try to ruin my life, I have no internet, the coolest hangout spot is Barnes and Noble, and she-devils from two different Hot Topics constantly want me to drop what I'm doing to come work for them, but won't put me on a schedule. Aghhh! I don't get to go to a non-cat-ridden, internet-capable, cooler-places-than-Barnes-and-Noble-having, friend-filled Hot Topic, Jesus-friendly environment until the 25ish. Aghhh! again! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please forgive me?

I swear, once I get back to school, I'll respond with a burning passion to each and every review!

So please review? Please?

* * *

_There's a voice on the phone telling what had happened  
Some kind of confusion, more like a disaster  
And I wondered how you were left unaffected  
But you had no knowledge  
And though I know that my actions are impossible to justify  
They seem adequate to fill up my time  
If I could talk to myself like I was someone else  
Well then maybe I could take your advice_

_The folksingers, poets, and playwrights convene  
Dispelling their wisdom, oh dear amateur orators  
They will detail their pain in some standard refrain  
They will recite their sadness like it's some kind of contest  
Well if it is, I think I am winning it  
All beaming with confidence as I make my final lap  
The gold medal gleams, so hang it around my neck  
Cause I am deserving it, the champion of idiots_

* * *

"Remus, please eat," his mother gently urged.

Remus shifted his hands where they lay clasped in his lap as he glanced up at his parents. His mother was adjacent to him, looking frail and visibly shaken. Across the table, was his father. No perceptable emotion showed through his stony features. Remus's eyes fell back down towards his lap. "I'm not really hungry..."

She sighed. "Please? You're too thin. You really should eat..."

He felt a dull throbbing deep inside him as he wished he could go back in his room. He couldn't stand to be sitting there, helpless beneath both his parents' prying glares. Especially his father's. There was just something about the rigid, numb way he was staring at him... Remus braved another glance up. "_He's_ not eating," he responded quietly, nodding towards his father, not making eye contact. "Neither are you," he observed.

"I--Yes I am," his mother attempted to smile as she pushed the food around on her plate with a shaking fork.

A few minutes passed in treacherous, wretchedly awkward silence. The only sound was that of his mother's fork scraping idly against her plate.

Suddenly, a cough from his father broke the silence. "I thought, erm... While we're all in here together," his tone was just as unreadable as his countenance as he stood up, his chair screeching against the floor as he pushed past it. Remus furrowed his brow in mild confusion as his father retreated to the foyer, where several small boxes of Remus's things still remained. He returned bearing three pieces of parchment. A terrifying jolt ripped Remus from his own body as he recognized the papers. All at once, his throat squeezed itself shut, his heart beat furiously against his ribs, so fast it was going to explode, his stomach wound and wound itself into knots, so he felt sick with nerves. "I found these a little while ago," he said calmly as he dropped them on the table.

Remus's first, immediate reaction was to want to grab the sheets of parchment and run, run out of the room, out of the house, out of everything. Instead, he found himself frozen, petrified by his nerves. He just stared at his father with wide, frightened eyes as everything went cold.

"What's this?" his mother asked innocently as she picked up the top piece of parchment. "_Sirius--" _she read, glancing over to Remus with her brow furrowed. She looked downward to resume reading, her voice soft and shaking, "_I'm sorry. I'm sorry to--_" she choked on her words as she realized what she was reading, her eyes quickly overflowing with tears.

Remus was suddenly burning up as he felt himself, over and over, sink into the ground. His heart finally did explode inside his chest. It was painful and made him agonizingly aware of everything that was happening around him: every shudder and gasp from his mother, every glare from his father. He felt like he was going to be sick.

"Keep--keep reading," his father stammered, the emotion in his voice defying his blank expression.

She continued, her voice thick and mixed with sobs, "_I'm sorry to have -- put you through -- all this. It's--it's not your f-fault. I love you m-more than -- any-anything._"

Remus's breathing became fast and shallow as tears began to fall, burning their way down his cheeks.

"_I'm sorry -- to make you and -- e-everyone else live -- with this. P-please tell my -- my --_" at this point her sobs rendered her nearly unintelligible. Remus's father stood next to her, one hand on her shoulder. "_-- my p-parents that I l-love them and -- and -- and --_ Evander, I can't -- I can't!" she grasped her husband's shirt, the parchment still clutched in one hand as she sobbed into his chest.

Remus drew his legs up onto the chair, burying his face in his knees. He pulled hard at his hair with one hand, digging his fingernails as deeply into his forehead as he could with the other. His eyes were shut painfully tight. This was agonizing. This was the very, very worst feeling he'd ever felt. Worse than confessing his darkest wish to a stranger in the library. Worse than clumsily holding his wand to his chest for what seemed like an eternity, scared to death that his killing curse might work. Worse than his self-loathing at his relief when it didn't. Worse than selfishly breaking Sirius, and feeling his only love and strength shaking and sobbing in his arms. Worse than watching himself hack through his already-splayed-open flesh, so deep he could see his muscle, see his veins sliced open and pouring out red. Worse than not feeling relieved at all when he'd woken up to find that that hadn't worked. Far, far worse was sitting there at the table in the home where he grew up, listening to his _mother _reading and _sobbing _into his _suicide note_. At that, he choked, letting out a loud gasp, his whole body shuddering and shaking as he sobbed.

His mother released his father's tear-stained shirt as she shakily got out of her chair, making her way to Remus. She knelt beside him where he sat gathered up in his chair, wrapping her arms around his heaving shoulders. She attempted to whisper through her tears, "_No, Remus... Please... No..._"

Remus recoiled, turning away from her. Her touch and weepy whisper only served to make his sobs harder to control. He hated himself. He shouldn't be alive. He shouldn't be here for this. He could imagine how it would have gone if he'd actually died, like he was supposed to. Last night, he hadn't really thought through what would happen when everyone learned of his death, what their reactions would be. Now he was living through it. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be here. That thought kept pounding itself painfully through his head as he cried harder. He shouldn't be here.

"_Remus... Don't cry... No... Don't cry, don't cry..._"

He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be here. He should be dead. No more. Nothing. Ever. Dead. In the ground. He had to get out of here. "Mum, Mum I-I'm fine," it came out as a hoarse whisper. He wiped his face, trying to take slow, deep breaths as he lowered his feet to the floor. When he opened his bleary and aching eyes, his father had left the room. He wiped his face again. "I just need to go to bed, Mum," he turned around to face her, although he couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, "I'm just tired... And I need to--to rest for tomorrow night." His stomach plunged even further as he thought about the full moon. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. He wouldn't have to. Everything could still be okay. It would be okay. "Mum?"

"Yes, yes..." she, too, began to wipe her eyes. Like Remus's, her voice was still clouded with tears, "You need sleep. We all do." She stood, taking a deep breath to compose herself. Remus noticed that her hands were still shaking wildly. "Here, let me help you into bed..."

"I'm fine." He also stood up, his whole body aching horribly. "I'm not a child, Mum."

"I know, but-- It would make me feel better."

"I'll be fine," he hoped it sounded reassuring. He wrapped one arm around his mother. "Goodnight, Mum."

She pulled him into a smothering hug. "Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

"I'm sure," he said as he tried to pull away.

"I love you, Remus"

"Love you too, Mum," he kept his eyes on the ground as he escaped from her motherly embrace. He quickly turned and walked down the hall to his room before she had any more time to protest.

Remus shut the door to his room, releasing a deep, quavering sigh before collapsing onto his bed. That sinking feeling was still in his chest. He was still falling. A silent sob escaped his lips. He tried to smother it in his pillow. He was tired of crying. He was so, so tired of feeling this way, of having every turn of events, every day be worse than the last. This was his limit.

There was a deafening silence within the room, only interrupted by the occasional hiccupped sob. Even as he willed himself to calm down and forget about everything, the tears kept coming, his body kept heaving each time he finally had to gasp for air.

It was too much. No one was supposed to see those notes. And if they did, he was supposed to be dead, and it wouldn't matter. But here he was. Alive. With his blackest fears, his most painful goodbyes, most treacherously detailed and damningly honest thoughts exposed. Exposed. To his parents. Oh, god. His father...

Fuck. It didn't matter, he reassured himself. He could get away as soon as he was sure his parents were asleep, and then he could do things properly. No one would find him this time and it would never matter that his father had read what he wrote to Sirius. It wouldn't matter. His heart twisted painfully. Sirius wouldn't matter. But...

He didn't want Sirius not to matter. Sirius mattered more than anything. But... he was bad for Sirius, and he was going to leave tonight... all this was going to be over, and he would finally stop hurting... Why did this always turn into such a weak argument when it was up against Sirius?

He would have to just not think about him, then. It would be for the best, for everybody, especially Sirius. He'd broken him, ruined him with his own selfish suffering, he told himself as he shuddered with another sudden sob. It wasn't just Sirius, though. He'd broken everything. _He _was broken. He'd been broken all his life.

A quiet knock on his door.

Remus's heart flew into his throat. His mother. Checking to see if he was alright. That was it. "Come--Come in." he called weakly as he sat up on his bed, trying to quickly dry his eyes.

The door creaked open to reveal not his mother, but his father standing in the doorway, bearing that same stony, unreadable expression as before.

Remus's eyes darted about the floor, his heart pounding wildly as his father entered the room, shutting the door behind him.

"You've nearly killed your mother today. You know that, right?" his tone was casual, as if he were merely commenting on the weather.

Remus quietly cleared his throat before mumbling, "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head, "This time yesterday, we didn't even know anything was wrong."

Remus said nothing.

"So, how does it feel?"

Slightly thrown off-guard, he furrowed his brow as he looked up to meet his father's eyes. That fuck. What the hell kind of question was that? "How--How does what feel?"

"Having everything out in the open like this."

"Oh." Okay, that was a little less bastardly and insensitive than he thought it was going to be. But still... the way he worded it somehow made Remus much more uncomfortable than if it had been a cruel jab, like he thought. "I-I don't know..."

"You must at least feel a _little _better..."

Remus stared down at his feet, his heart pounding. Where was he going with this?

"From some of-- of what you wrote -- it sounds like you've really got a lot going on..." He crossed the room to stand directly in front of Remus. "I can't help but think that maybe, if you had talked to me or your mother about it, you wouldn't have -- well..."

Remus frowned. Maybe he really _was _just trying to reach out to him. And anyway, his father had never been the type to toy with people's emotions. He had always been straightforward, even to the point of insensitivity. Normally, that wasn't a good thing, but in this case...

"We're just grateful that we've got this chance now... that it's not too late, and maybe we _can_ talk this out."

Remus nodded slightly. "O-Okay," he mumbled, still a bit uneasy.

"Your mother and I are here to help. You know that, right, Remus?"

Remus barely nodded.

"I just have one question, though..."

Remus glanced up, his brow still furrowed in confusion.

"What," his father took a breath, visibly trying to relax his facial muscles, which were beginning to tense into a heavy scowl. He tried to keep his voice level as he asked, "What, exactly, is going on with you and -- that boy?" the word dripped with scathing fury.

Fuck. Fuck. He felt the same explosion of nerves as he had when his father had laid his notes on the table earlier. The same sense of complete panic, utter terror tearing him out of his body. His voice sounded muffled, far away in his own ears, "I don't-- Nothing. He--He's my best friend."

"That's not the impression I got from reading those letters."

Remus stared down at his hands, biting his lip hard.

His father's voice started to shake as it grew louder, "You--you think you're _in love_ with this--this _boy_?" He leaned forward towards Remus, interrogation-style.

Remus shuddered at the quiet popping sound as he bit down deep into his lip. He shrank back in pain, his eyes shutting tightly as he swallowed blood.

Of course, his father didn't hear any skin breaking, only silence, and saw no blood, only Remus shrinking away and shutting his eyes. At him. He roared through gritted teeth, "You sick little--" he cut himself off, hesitating a split-second before he swung his open palm hard and fast towards the side of Remus's head.

Remus hardly knew what happened. He heard a great _wham_ in his left ear, and suddenly his head was throbbing and he was twisted around to the right, propping himself up with shaking hands, his face only inches from the bedspread. He breathed in too sharply and started coughing out blood. More was dripping steadily from his lip, staining his hands and the fabric before him deep crimson.

His father's eyes widened and his jaw went slack at the shock of the blood. Another rasping cough from his son sprayed tiny red spots onto the bed. Frozen, he gaped for a moment at the damage he thought he had inflicted, the bright blood streaming down Remus's pale chin as his whole body trembled. His father cleared his throat, sounding slightly shaken, "You-- you clean that up before you go to bed."

Remus raised his eyes to see him walking away, meeting his stare for a split-second before his father shut the door behind him. For a moment, Remus blankly stared back down at the red stain below him before pushing himself back up, his head pounding and his lip stinging. The backs of his hands were nearly covered in blood. Looking back down at the blood on his bed, he could clearly see the outline of both his hands, their fingers splayed out, giving the scene a much more macabre touch. There was no way he was cleaning that up.

Blood was still dribbling down his chin, occasionally dripping onto his lap with a quiet 'plip'. After a while, he blankly got up to get a washcloth from his trunk then went to the bathroom to clean his face, a deep sense of numbness coursing through his veins as his thoughts and tears from only a few minutes before were pushed away.

* * *

Remus thought his parents would never go to sleep. Last time he had tiptoed out to check, it was past midnight. Now, an hour later, he doubted that there would have been any change in their state of consciousness. He slowly opened his door, walking down the hall as slowly and quietly as he could, being careful not to trod on the floorboards which he knew to be squeaky. No light was shining from below their doorway. As he approached their door, he rolled his eyes. He was way too old for this kind of sneaking about. Ever so softly, he put his ear to the door, listening for voices, silence, anything.

Nothing. Nothing. A faint snore.

Excellent.

Silently, he made his way back to his room, shutting and locking the door behind him. Immediately, he opened his trunk, pulling out some warm clothes (he had never bothered getting properly dressed when they got home from Hogwarts), and a coat and hat. He quickly got dressed. His hair really was getting way too long; flattened down by his hat, it hung down past his nose. He pushed it out of the way as best he could. Quickly grabbing his wand from atop his desk, his eyes darted around, scanning for anything else he might need. Crossing the room, he pulled open his top drawer and pulled out his knife and a small bag of coins. Just in case.

He wordlessly nodded his wand at the candle on his nightstand. Suddenly immersed in darkness, he went over to the window, trying to open it as quietly as he could, cringing each time the panes squeaked. Once it was open, he carefully slipped through it.

The freezing wind outside stung his face, turned his breath into small clouds. Remus timidly stole a brief glance upward. The moon was nearly full. He shuddered, hugging his arms tightly across his chest as he set out walking across the yard. Remus hated when it was this bright out, when the moon smothered everything in its bright, silvery glow. And it was so fucking cold. One good thing about the biting chill, though, was that it made it a whole lot easier to keep his mind clear. That was all he had to do, really -- keep his mind blank through all this. He'd already done all his thinking, doubting, despairing, and planning in his room while waiting for his parents to fall asleep. He'd shed all his tears and cut himself numb, and now it would all work out if he could just keep his mind clear. The trees started to get thicker. He glanced back at his house. It looked dark and empty compared to the bright night around him.

He turned his attention back to the path ahead of him, which was steadily becoming darker, as the moonlight was blocked by more and more trees' naked, writhing branches. After a few more minutes of walking, he turned back around. He couldn't see his house from this far inside the forest.

He stood, arms tightly crossed, glancing around for a moment. He wasn't so sure he could do this: he'd never apparated more than a few feet before. There'd never really been any need. Could he really apparate hundreds of miles? Of course. He was done with doubting. He took in a deep, shaking breath before shutting his eyes tightly, and with a loud crack heard by no one but himself, he vanished.

* * *

Another loud crack. Remus opened his eyes as soon as he felt solid ground beneath his feet. The first thing he noticed was that it was even colder here than it was back home. The second thing he noticed was that he was _not _at his intended destination. Instead, he was standing in the middle of a narrow dirt road, surrounded on both sides by a dense forest. Everything was covered in a thin layer of dirty, stale snow, which glowed under the same bright moonlight. Had it snowed recently? Remus guessed it might have without his knowing: he hadn't been outside in the past week or so, except for today, but that was in a completely different part of the country.

He looked around again, more confused than concerned. Was he anywhere near where he had wanted to go? He didn't really trust himself to try to apparate again; who knew where he'd end up then? So, he was stuck here. Oh well. He guessed it didn't really matter. It only meant that things weren't going according to his plan. But that really was quite a problem, because, as it was, every move he made was already planned. He was detached, following a predetermined course, like he was under his own Imperius curse. But if he had to adapt his plans, then it would force him to be thoughtful of the situation, which was a terrible thing, because once he opened up his mind, it would start conspiring against him in its own selfish instinct for survival. It had a cruel way of making his solution to his despair seem, well, stupid. And pointless, and selfish, and rash. But mostly stupid. See? He had to keep his mind quiet. The only thing he was allowed to think about was the cold. Frowning, he started to walk down the path, his hands shoved deep inside his pockets.

His doubt over his location was quickly resolved a few minutes later, when the road forked. A small wooden sign indicated that Hogsmeade was to the right. He breathed a small sigh of relief as he picked up his pace. At least he'd ended up _near _where he'd wanted to go.

After a walk of around ten minutes or so, the forest abruptly cleared, the small village was only a few hundred meters down the road.

Another few minutes brought him to the main road of Hogsmeade. He stopped, pausing to look at all the darkened, closed buildings around him. Scrivenshaft's was to his right, Margot's Magical Market to his left, its outdoor displays cleared of the usual magically enhanced produce they held. Everything was cold and uninviting. Even the street lamps' dim glow only served to cast shivering shadows across the cobblestone road. As a sudden biting gust stabbed at his face, he became aware of how incredibly weary he was. After all, it had to be nearly two a.m. by now, and he hadn't exactly had the most relaxing day.

He tried to think things over for a moment, but couldn't. It was just too cold and he was too tired. He had to get inside. His original plan was to break into the Shrieking Shack, but it was just so far away... It was at the opposite end of the village from where he was now. all he had the energy to do now was sleep, anyway. He couldn't very well execute his overdue demise if he was nodding off the whole time... He frowned, noticing that his lip was rather swollen from where he had bit it earlier that night. He hadn't really noticed before, nor had he noticed that his left wrist was beginning to ache. Madam Pomfrey had told him to put that potion on it a few times a day, and he hadn't put any on it since he got home. It must have been beginning to wear off. So now, not only was he cold and tired, he was in an increasing amount of pain. That was it. Forget suicide. He was going to go stay... somewhere. He supposed the Hog's Head, seeing as how it was the only inn in Hogsmeade. Maybe he'd luck out and some goblins would kill him in his sleep.

* * *

Nothing foils suicide quite like being tired and cold. Yay!

Please review? I love you. I really do. (hug)


	21. Don't Think

Title: To Be

Rating: T? I dunno. I never know.

Warnings: Angsty?

Disclaimer: J.K Rowling. She's rich. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I used Bright Eyes lyrics again x.x;; I can't help it. Anyway, it's the 'Joy in Acceptance' part of 'The Joy of Forgetting, the Joy of Acceptance'. The first time I heard it, I was getting all into it and then something _awful_ happened at the end and I had to laugh while making my disgusted/awkward face. For those who haven't had the pleasure of listening to this lovely little ditty, I've tried to transcribe the debacle at the end of the song x.x;; It poetically expresses the strained repitition and eventual collapse of hope in depression. Yeah. That's it.

Pretty please leave a review? I'll love you forever and it'll all be glory and trumpets.

* * *

_You say there are spaces open and wide  
Believe me, there's days longer than nights  
And you will be happy the minute you try  
But you don't try  
No, you don't try  
And you speak of a fever that burns you inside  
As you explain to your mother how you wanted to die  
So she kisses your fingers, says "My darling, but why?"  
And there's so much more  
There's so much more  
Do you know there are spaces open and wide  
Oh, believe me there's days longer than nights  
And you will be happy if only you try  
Oh, won't you try?  
Oh, won't you tryAHyAHyAHyAHyAHyAHyAHyAHyAHyAHy... ahy...  
---frustrated after 12 failed attempts at singing the right pitch for the end of the the word "try", Conor Oberst starts smashing the piano---_

* * *

Morning came, its bright, clean light shining through the broken windowpane. Remus rolled over, away from the sunlight. Roughly three seconds later, his eyes opened. His stomach was twisting itself into knots. Tonight was the full moon. This time yesterday, he had woken up in the Hospital Wing. He had failed and everything was exposed. His parents knew about Sirius. He had run away. He'd had a purpose. A purpose that had failed.

He still had time. As he slowly sat up, blood rushed down into his left forearm, causing it to throb and sting. Wincing, he gently cradled it in his right hand. He sat still for a moment, watching his fingers twitch in synch with the painful pounding of his pulse. It was strange; it hadn't hurt much at the time, but now, with his wrist throbbing, the memory seemed excruciating. He felt squeamish as he tried to imagine what his arms must look like underneath all their bandages. When he had done it, there'd been so much blood that it all looked the same. But yesterday, when he saw the topmost inch or so, with all the blood cleaned off, it looked rather frightening. And even then, he hadn't even really _thought _about it. Shaking his head slightly, he brushed the thought off. The concept of his own split skin was too painful to entertain for very long. Although, with his arm hurting so badly, he probably wouldn't be able to keep it off his mind for very long.

Everything seemed oddly slow as he got dressed. He felt progressively more detached as he watched his feet descend the crooked, rotting staircase into the dim, dirty tavern. Sitting down at the first dusty booth, he heard his voice order a tea. Had the bartender asked for his order? He couldn't recall. All he could recall was the vague impression of not deserving something. To drink tea? To take up the bartender's time? As he looked around, he had the sensation that he wasn't actually seeing the tables, the scuffed bar, the strange people... Rather, it was more like he had taken a photograph and was watching that instead. For instance, it was fairly crowded: in front of him sat a table of wretchedly old witches, in front of them, two goblins, apparently squabbling, and to his left was a group of oily-looking, middle-aged wizards leaning in close together as they discussed something, and next to them, a very tall, thin man in a black cloak was sitting still as a statue. There were only a couple of tables unoccupied, but for all the people, he could hear nothing, just like a photograph.

A pot of tea and a cup levitated towards him, coming to an ungraceful landing on the table; the pot spilled and the cup tumbled over, spinning around in a circle. Remus picked up the cup, which looked like it hadn't been washed in a long while. As he began to pour the tea, which had a strange odor to it, he heard something that jerked him out of his skin and set his heart hammering against his chest.

"Hurry it up!"

James. On the staircase. Behind him. Remus quickly ducked, laying his head on the table, halfway covered by his arms. Panic sped through his burning veins.

Two sets of feet quickly descended the staircase, stopping just a few feet from Remus's booth.

"Is he even--" James's voice was urgent, "--Padfoot!"

"I had to get my pants on, you twat!"

Remus's ears felt like they were going to bleed. His flesh was boiling off, and his heart was going to pound a hole straight through it.

Remus could hear Sirius run down the stairs.

He watched as the three of them sped towards the door. Just as he was about to pass through the door, Sirius, who looked uncharacteristically disheveled turned sharply and hurried back inside.

Remus was too terrified to move. He had seen him. Sirius was coming back for him.

"I forgot to pay!" Sirius quickly called back to James and Peter, who were impatiently holding the door open.

Sirius ran up to the bar, barely skidding to a stop before slamming against it, effectively and wordlessly getting the bartender's attention. "I need to give you money."

"Name?" the ancient bartender asked in a monotone as he pulled out a huge, stained book and began scanning up and down with his wrinkled finger.

Sirius had to have seen him. Remus sunk his head down lower. He had to.

"Black." He fumbled around in his pockets, putting whatever coins he found up on the counter. "Sirius."

The man turned the page, scanning downward until he reached the last line. "Black?"

Sirius nodded, impatiently drumming his hands on the bar.

_'Turn around, turn around, turn around,'_ Remus silently repeated, simultaneously thinking, _'Don't turn around, don't turn around, don't turn around.'_

"Let me see... One night... and with your bar tab... that'll be eight galleons and fourteen sickles."

"What?" He sounded shocked, "Are you sure?" He began to recount his money.

Remus just now noticed that James and Peter had come back inside.

"Eight galleons, fourteen sickles."

"Bloody..." He patted himself down. "Erm, James, do you have the rest of my money?"

James reached in his pocket and handed Sirius the small bag which had previously contained several galleons.

Sirius dumped its contents onto the counter. "Fuck. Ten, eleven, twelve... thirteen... and here's fourteen." He raked the few remaining knuts off the bar and returned them to the bag, frowning.

"It's your own damn fault," James laughed.

"We ready?" Peter took a step towards the door.

"Yeah," James nodded.

"Right," Sirius replied as he glanced around. Just as the other two started off, Wait." _His eyes locked on Remus's slumped form._

_Remus's face was buried in his arms, hiding his wide eyes. He could feel his whole body throb with each beat of his pounding heart._

_"Moony?" _

_He felt the weight of the seat shift as Sirius sat down beside him. He shut his eyes. "Moony...?" Sirius lowered his head down next to Remus's as he gently tugged at his elbow, trying to pry his arm out of the way so he could see his face._

_"What?" "Moony!" _

_James and Peter rushed over. _

_"Moony, what're you--" James was cut off by a motion from Sirius. They both silently slid into the other side of the booth._

_"Moony...?" Sirius tried again to get Remus to show his face. _

_Remus resisted. He suddenly felt his throat constrict, and everything that had been welling up inside him demanded to be released. He shut his eyes as tight as he could. Not here. Not in front of Peter and James._

_"Remus..." Sirius murmured close to his ear as he tangled his fingers in Remus's hair, just above the back of his neck._

_Remus buried his face further in his arms as his shoulders shook, the fabric of his sweater soaking up his hot tears the moment they were spilled._

_Sirius frowned, giving James and Peter a look to show he was just as confused as they were._

_Peter looked awkward as he tried to be reassuring, "Remus, it's okay..."_

_James looked away._

_"Moony," Sirius began gently, "what are you doing here?"_

_Remus just shook his head as well as he could with it wedged between his arms. _

"Right," Sirius replied as he glanced around. Just as the other two started off, "Wait." He frowned, looking at James, "Do you know anything for my headache?"

James just laughed, "You worked hard for that headache. You should be proud."

"Yeah, and think how much you spent on it."

"That's right! Think of it as an investment. If it were me, I'd want every knut's worth."

"You can both go to hell," Sirius growled quietly.

And with that, they were out the door.

* * *

Worminot's Giftshop was a tiny little store beside the Hog's Head. It wasn't really much to see from the outside: just a small, boring brown building hardly larger than the Quidditch shed at Hogwarts. It was recessed from the street a bit, making it incredibly easy to miss. However, on Hogsmeade weekends, no student worth associating with (by James and Sirius's standards) skipped visiting it. Inside, it was hardly more than an interesting junk shop. They had several half-rotten antique broomsticks that couldn't fly anymore (this didn't stop James from playing with them), bits of broken chain mail, a large, black box with cracked glass on one side and a sign above it claiming it was a Muggle Tell-a-Vishen ("What the hell is a 'Vishen'?" Sirius always muttered as he shook his head), and half a suit of armor with a huge, cannonball-shaped hole through the chest. There was also a great number of odd, but uninteresting objects, such as fire-irons, ugly, tarnished jewelry, half-burnt candles, used shoes, broken, dirty dishes; in general, things that gave one the impression that whenever anything wore out or got broken at Worminot's house, he simply put it up for sale. 

This was only the front room, though. In the corner behind the register, there was a doorway with a faded, moth-eaten red curtain over it. Some insisted that Worminot lived in the back room, after all, none of the small houses in Hogsmeade looked weird and decrepit enough for the strange old man to live in. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, however, knew the truth behind the mysterious back room. They claimed to have snuck out one night after dinner, determined to see what was back there. They stayed in the store all evening talking to the creepy storekeeper, charming him with their tales of troublemaking. Finally, they told him their greatest accomplishment (which, of course, they couldn't disclose to anyone else. Hence most students' disbelief of their story) and he offered to show them the back room. And lo! it was full of dark artifacts, the likes of which Borgin and Burkes of Knockturn Alley could only dream of. The old man said that generation after generation of his family had been vigilantes, who, for hundreds of years, had been stockpiling the items they had confiscated. The hope of sneaking a peek into the back room, of course, was what kept the students (the ones who believed the Marauders' tale, at least) coming back weekend after weekend.

As he pulled the door to the store open, Remus quickly tried to rehearse what he planned to say, but his mind seemed to be running through a broken loop. He tried to clear his face of its anxious expression as he wound past the dusty piles of junk to the register.

The old man was standing behind the counter trying to repair a broken goblet with his wand. He had a half-circle of white hair on his bald head, which was aged with brown splotches. His clothes looked like they were prime candidates for becoming merchandise in his store; his stained white shirt was missing several buttons and the seam around the collar was torn, and his brown leather vest had several holes in it. He looked up as the bell on the door jingled. One of his eyes was grey and swollen with blindness. He cracked into a semi-toothless grin as Remus came into his view. "Remus, how are you?" he called in his crackling voice.

Remus nodded shakily, "Fine. You?"

"Slow. You're the first in here today."

"It's still early," he tried to sound cheery.

The old man gave a wheezing laugh, which turned into a cough. "Excuse me. Now..." he grinned again, sounding amused, "shouldn't you be at school?"

Remus smiled, shrugging guiltily before turning serious once more. "I, er... I actually have a--a huge favor to ask." He looked down at his trembling hands.

"What's that?"

"I--Can... Can I, erm, look around in the back?"

"Oh..." He took a wary look around the store. "Can you come back later tonight?"

"No," Remus said urgently. He shook his head, trying to sound more casual, "No."

"Fine, fine," the old man said as he began to shuffle towards the front door. "You go on back while I lock up the front door."

"Thank you," Remus said as he walked behind the counter, gently lifting the decaying red curtain as he went through the doorway. There were bronze statues of serpents with red, gleaming eyes, a shelf full of different sized orbs, some of which had a black, clouded appearance inside, and a huge silver vase that emitted a red mist. On the wall hung a broken, cracked mirror, so old it barely showed a reflection. When Remus glanced into it as he passed by, his hazy reflection looked back at him with bright white, glowing eyes. A small dagger laying atop a small stone table caught his attention. He picked it up. He had thought the sheath was tarnished silver, but it had gotten what appeared to be black ash on his fingers. He examined it more closely, but couldn't see any of his fingerprints.

Remus heard the rustling of the curtain and shuffling footsteps. He turned around, holding up the dagger. "Mr. Worminot, what is this?"

The old man stepped forward, squinting to see what Remus was presenting. He recognized it with an "Ah, yes."

"It's got my hands all dirty..."

"Yes, it does that. If that dagger touches anything too long, it covers it in ashes, and the sheath is no exception."

Remus looked puzzled. "Is... is it safe for me to take it out?" Anything that turned whatever it touched into ashes sounded slightly dangerous.

"Oh, yes." He waved his hand casually for him to take it out to have a look. "It's cursed, so just make sure you don't cut yourself."

He stopped halfway through sliding it from the small sheath. "What?"

"Cursed. If it cuts you, it won't heal."

Remus's heart began to pound. "No matter what? Even if you use magic?"

"There's nothing that can make it heal. My great uncle figured that out the hard way when he found it. Tested to see if it was sharp, a month and a half later, he was dead. Just a tiny scratch on his finger, but it just kept on bleeding. And let me tell you -- bleeding to death isn't very pleasant."

Remus remembered the anguish of the night before last and felt slightly dizzy. "I--Can I buy this from you?" he asked breathlessly.

The old man furrowed his ancient brow. "Now, why would you want to do that?"

"I just... I need it. Please?"

He studied Remus for a long while, frowning.

Remus looked down, squeezing the palm of his hands around the sheath.

Worminot took a deep, rattling breath before saying, "Over the years, you and your friends have told me things that could get you locked in Azkaban many times over. And some of the things I've got back here would raise a lot of questions if the wrong people found out..."

Remus nodded slightly, not meeting his eye.

"I'm sure you have good reason..."

"I--" he stumbled over his words, "I just think it's interesting."

He raised his grey eyebrows. "You show up first thing in the morning, when you _should _be at Hogwarts, and have to look around in my back room for some reason so important you can't wait until nightfall, and now you want to buy a cursed weapon because it's 'interesting'? Honest people make bad liars, Remus. So tell me _honestly_, are you meaning to kill someone?"

His pulse quickened as he told himself that it didn't matter what Worminot thought of him, or even if he contacted the Aurors. Lying was better than the shame that honesty would bring. "Please don't--"

"Don't worry." His voice showed only a hint of alarm, "I know you wouldn't hurt a fly unless you had good reason."

Remus nodded.

"Not one of your friends, though, is it?"

"No, no," Remus shook his head thoroughly, "never."

"Just had to make sure," he gave a raspy laugh. "I couldn't let you do that, you know."

Remus nodded again, still not making eye contact.

"Well..." he started, "can I give you a bit of advice, then?"

"Sure."

"That knife," he nodded pointedly towards the dagger, which Remus was clutching against his chest, where it rubbed off grey ashes on his shirt, "is going to make dirty work of it."

Remus's eyebrows shot up. He was seriously giving him advice on murder? He suddenly felt as guilty as if he were actually planning to commit a crime.

"There's no honor in making a man suffer, or in spilling his blood. You're good with your magic and you've got a perfectly good wand. It would be a good deal easier on both of you to use the killing curse. Not to mention cheaper. That knife you've got there is worth hundreds of galleons."

Remus was startled at how willing Worminot was to help. He might catch Remus in his lie with his practicality. Thinking quickly, Remus came up with, "But... but they'd know it was me. If they got hold of my wand..."

The old man grinned. "You are a smart one. Now, let's see... I've got another idea," he scratched his chin for a moment before shuffling across the room to a beaten, splintered trunk. He opened it with his wand and began to look for something inside. Remus didn't dare step close enough to see what was inside, but judging from the clinking and clunking sounds, it appeared to be, unsurprisingly, an assortment of junk. "Here it is," he said as he pulled out a small leather case. He opened it, revealing about a dozen glass vials containing various gases and liquids of every color. Picking up one filled with a small amount of bright red liquid, he said, "The blood of a Mantichora."

"What's that?" Remus asked warily.

"I suppose they don't bother teaching you about them in school anymore; they're said to have all died out. They were terrible creatures; they had the body of a lion with bright red fur, and the face of a man with three rows of razor sharp teeth. It's tail was like a scorpion, and it was said that when it waved it, blood would rain down, killing everything it touched." He held up the vial. "You put it in this person's drink, and they'll be dead in seconds."

"How does it -- does it hurt?"

"No way of knowing," the old man laughed his coughing laugh again. "They'll be dead before you have a chance to ask."

Remus gaped at him with wide eyes, terrified at the thought of such swift death. "Can--can I have it?"

His wrinkled brow furrowed again. "Why couldn't this wait?"

"I--" He tripped over his words as he tried to think what to say, "Something --bad is going happen -- tonight. And I--I have to stop it..." It was true.

"And what if you don't?"

"I--um... I don't know." Bad answer.

"That's hardly a convincing argument..."

"Please, Mr. Worminot," he pleaded quietly, trying to keep his voice level, "You don't understand..."

"Could you at least tell me who and why?" he asked.

"I--I... I can't..."

"I'm not trying to stop you."

He paused for a brief moment. His reply resonated with disappointment, "I know..."

"Here," he handed the vial forward. "No more questions."

Remus didn't move as it was placed into his hand. He stared down at it, the bright red liquid inside making his hand look grey in contrast. No specific thoughts ran through his mind, but a vague mix of fear, relief, and excitement coursed through his veins.

"Even if I didn't give it to you, you'd just find another way."

The words broke his entrancement, and he started to reach into his pocket. His voice was small as he asked, "How much...?"

Worminot shook his head. "Nothing. Just take it."

"Th-thank you..."

"It's just a good thing I didn't offer you a slower poison."

"Why's that?"

"You'd have no problem using it."

Remus furrowed his brow, "Why... why would I with this?"

"It's easier to wade into freezing water than to jump. With this, you'll be sitting there all day with your cup to your lips and never drink."

Remus choked on the air inside his lungs.

"You'll barely have time to swallow. Do come by tomorrow to tell me how it goes."

* * *

Worminot was right. Remus had been sitting perfectly still for what seemed like the longest hour of his life. Sitting for so long on the stained, dusty carpet was beginning to take its toll: his back was aching badly and his feet were prickling and falling asleep. In his shaking hands, he held a now lukewarm cup of tea. When he'd added the Mantichora blood, it had turned bright red, bubbling and frothing violently for a few seconds before returning to the tea's original greyish color. He stared into the trembling liquid, which he held level with his chest. It had been up to his lips for, perhaps, the first five minutes or so, but he'd been so terrified that he would accidentally touch some of the lethal liquid that he couldn't bear to have it so close. Worminot had been absolutely right. Remus thought it seemed like a rather self-fulfilling prophecy. If he hadn't said anything to him, he probably wouldn't have considered inaction a possibility. At least not to such a vast extent. 

Only three nights ago, he'd been in the exact same situation. It felt like much more time had passed, though. So much had inalterably changed, the memory seemed like a relic from a simpler time. An acutely clear relic. He had rushed from the library into the dark classroom, wanting, needing to see blood. His heart had been pounding so hard it threatened to burst through his chest as a different impulse suddenly struck him. Until that moment, dying had always been somewhat of a hollow fantasy, something he entertained as a 'maybe someday'. But in a sudden gush of adrenaline, all of his morbid daydreams became a tangible, practical reality. Then, just as right now, he had tried to convince himself that he could actively take his own life. The only difference was that three nights ago, it had taken only a few minutes to find the will to point his wand to his chest, whereas now, he was losing his will more and more with each moment. Once he'd had his wand to his chest, though, it had taken him what seemed like an eternity to force himself to utter the words that would kill him, though in reality it had been less than a minute. In retrospect, he realized that the only reason he had been able to will himself to even touch his wand was that he had known it wouldn't work.

Now, however, the death he held in his hands was sure. There would be no turning back. Even the night before last, when he had set to work to open his veins there was the option to change his mind, and by the time it was too late, he would have already drifted into unconsciousness. Would he have died if he hadn't been found? Yesterday, he would have unilaterally said 'yes'. By now, he wasn't so sure. After he had passed out the first time, he had awoken in terror and pain. Agonizing, immobilizing pain. He remembered laying in his own drying, sticky blood, forcing his shaking, unwilling hand to dig his knife into his already-open wounds, desperately trying to spill as much blood as possible in hopes that he would pass out again and not be in such searing, blinding pain. And then, as his body began to shut down once more, he had found the sudden relief of his failing senses terrifying. He speculated that, had he not been found, he would have come to again, this time in even more pain. He doubted that he would have physically or mentally been able to find the will to open his wounds yet _again_.

With wildly shaking hands, he brought the cup up to his lips once more, the sensation of the trembling, cold porcelain against his skin turning his stomach inside out. His eyes squeezed shut. He'd been through this frequently in the past hour, and each time, it got harder. The cup amplified the sound of his breath; the sharp gasp in, the short, ragged, uneven release, over and over. It was deafening in the otherwise silent room. Again, he told himself to just do it. It wouldn't be hard if he just went ahead. If he didn't think so much. If he could just stop his hands from shaking so damn much before he spilled it.

This really wasn't that hard. Why was he so scared? This was a quick, easy way to die. To die. He pictured himself tumbling over, the empty cup dropping from his limp hands as he landed crumpled on the floor. It was strange to think that, although that would happen, he wouldn't experience it. He couldn't really imagine what it would be like not to be. For weeks, he thought he had been imagining it constantly, and he thought he understood what death really meant. Relief. Escape. Now, more than ever, he would do anything to have those. Except, if he tilted his cup and allowed himself to swallow, he wouldn't _have_ anything at all. In order to escape, he had to have somewhere else to go. If he chose to make this very second his last, he would never know what it was like to find relief somewhere else, because he wouldn't be anywhere. Before, he'd just kind of glossed over that part in his thinking. The other night as he had sat in the abandoned classroom, he had actively been trying to push the thought from his mind, and finally, more out of frustration than anything, he had started slashing at his wrist. His heart pounded harder than ever. Was that what was going to happen this time? Would he eventually just get so fed up with all of this 'to be or not to be' bullshit that he would drink just to shut himself up? And why the hell did that thought scare him so much? Tears started to pour down his cheeks and the sound of his breathing echoing in his cup grew faster and more ragged. He wanted this. The tears came harder. He _wanted _this. Didn't he? His fingertips turned white as they pressed hard against the cup. When it came down to it -- The thought wasn't really a question so much as a shameful admission -- He didn't really want to die, did he?

Even in his head, the answer was little more than a sobbing plea -- Yes...

He turned his head away as an actual sob escaped his lips. It seemed less like defeat than lowering his cup would. In that moment, he didn't think it was possible for someone to hate themselves as much as he did. Death wasn't the solution it seemed, but that realization in no way made things better. If anything, it just made everything infinitely worse. He had broken with just the weight of normal life; how could he even possibly live now that things had gotten so much worse? Another sob shook him. This was impossible. Thinking about living made him want to die. Thinking about death made him want to live. He was trapped. His cheek pressed against the smooth, cool cup, which he still held up firmly. The poison wasn't going anywhere.

Remus slowly opened his aching eyes, trying to blink out the tears. That was it. The poison wasn't going anywhere. Death wasn't going anywhere. It was going to stay right in front of his mouth indefinitely, unless he either used it or set it down and walked away. He was too frightened to use it. And he didn't want to set it down. But as long as he didn't do either, he'd be stuck like this, forever hating himself, forever tormented by his unwillingness to choose. Nothing would get better, and the events of the past few days had proven that they could get worse. Maybe one day things would get so much worse that it would be easy to die, but did he really want to suffer through that? Not that he could really imagine how anything could be any worse. Then again, he'd also thought the exact same thing a few days before and had been proven wrong. But he'd still have to suffer through everything if he chose to live. Living would definitely be harder. But... that was like saying a rock was harder than air. Maybe it was just the giving up that was easier. It was much easier to simply take a sip of poison than to set it down, stand up, put on his coat, go downstairs, pay for his room, break into the Shrieking Shack for the full moon, make it though the night, wake up feeling like he'd been hit by a train, figure out a way to get back home, and then face his actions, himself, his parents, Sirius, James and Peter, and everyone else at Hogwarts, who would surely want to know where he'd been. He couldn't. The poison was his only realistic option.

He tried not to think about it as, with shaking hands, he quickly set the cup down on the floor beside him.

If he was expecting himself to suddenly find that his mind had miraculously changed for the better, he was very wrong. The quick onset of a heavy and painful shame and a terrible sense of defeat were the only changes Remus felt. He stared down into the greyish liquid. It was no longer an active threat, but it was still there, and it would continue to nag at him unless it was gone. Even as he thought about getting rid of it, it tried to convince him that he couldn't, that it could still make everything all right. Just don't think about it. Just don't think and everything will be okay. That had been his mantra for the past few days, except now he was applying it to his impulsive choice to live rather than to die. The 'not thinking' thing had worked well for him up until the final moment. And this way, there was no final moment, so, theoretically, it could work. He could at least keep himself alive; he'd already done it for seventeen years. That thought was oddly comforting. Part of his mind began to protest, to bring up all the terrible things he would have to face in the reality of his situation. Shut up, shut up, no he wouldn't. No reality. Not yet. After a few deep breaths, he wiped his eyes and started to stand up.

He was only about halfway through with this process when there was a sharp knock at the door. Remus jumped, unbelievably startled. For a moment, he just stared at the shabby wooden door. Another loud knock. His surprise gave way to confusion as he crossed the tiny room to unlock and open the door.

Six or seven men, all in black robes with (though Remus couldn't see) the letters 'W.S.D.' in grey on the back. Before Remus had a chance to say anything, a tall man with a long red beard stepped forward. "Remus Lupin?" he asked rather coercively.

Remus stared at him for a second, his brow furrowed in apprehension before weakly replying, "... Yes...?"

He suddenly found himself backing up to get out of the way as the men took his answer as a cue to enter the room. Feeling slightly more than uncomfortable, his stomach began to turn.

The bearded man stared at Remus as he ordered, "Avery, lock the door."

The lock clicked shut. Frightened, Remus was about to step forward to politely inquire as to what the fuck was going on, but before he had a chance, the man gave another command.

"Bind him."

* * *

_AWESOME!_

I've got a fever and the only presciption is more reviews!  
That was terrible. Please, please review, even if it's just to tell me how badthat was... x.x;;

Oooh, and the Mantichora is a real fake animal that I looked up in a real book :D I'm proud of myself haha. Upon doing a quick google search right now, though... check this crap out... info. lib. uh. edu/ sca/ digital/ beast/ pages. html? id equalsign 86 ...only without the spaces and an equal sign instead of the word 'equalsign'. What a complete badass.


	22. Help Him

Title: To Be

Rating: Probably R. You never know.

Disclaimer: I'm just a silly fanfiction writer who never updates. Not JK Rowling. Or the SPILL CANVAS!

Warnings: You know the drill.

* * *

So, uh... please take this tiny, miniscule excuse for a chapter as some sort of peace-offering. There will be more. I've been ridiculously busy... Lots of moving, between two jobs and a tattoo apprenticeship (awesome!) I haven't had a day off in months. All in all, reality is lame. Anyway, I'm sorry. My muse left me for a while, but now appears to have come back, at least a little. Due to the ridiculously short nature of this chapter, I PROMISE I'll have more up soon. Reviews motivate me get on it and write. Or else.

* * *

_These pills aren't working anymore  
My guts are spilling out onto the floor  
Of a nightmare you wouldn't believe  
Of a nightmare you could not conceive of_

_You're floating above my head  
There are words carved in my chest  
And they said...  
"Could somebody show me the kind of affection  
That you only see in the movies, you know what I mean"_

_I will suck the elixir from your fingertips  
Until I feel my head start caving in  
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul  
And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole  
Bubbling at the lips that you used to love to kiss  
Well, I think I'm trying to wake up, but I can't_

_These pills aren't working anymore  
My eyes are gouged out and rolling under the door  
It blacks out the  
Nightmare you wouldn't believe  
A nightmare you could not conceive of

* * *

_

Despite all his Quidditch-manliness, James was thoroughly out of breath by the time he reached the Hogwarts Quidditch field.

As was usual for non-practice hours, it was deserted. The only sound was that of his steady, swift crunch of his feet on the dewy morning grass as he ran towards the small wooden Quidditch shed. Slowing to catch his breath as he approached the tiny building, he pulled his wand out and pointed it at the rusty old lock on the rough-hewn door. He opened his mouth to say the password, but ended up simply staring at the lock as something to the effect of a mild 'oh, shit' welled up inside him.

It was already unlocked. This was most unusual. Due to the many delightful opportunities that a shack full of brooms presented, the Quidditch shed was never, ever left unlocked (especially not after what had happened in James's second year when he realized that nine times out of ten, the Hufflepuff team forgot to lock the shed when they were finished with practice). It was mostly due to that incident that, in recent years, it was always locked and the password was only known to the team captains (James held his position in too much esteem to repeat his previous misuse of the school brooms, much to Sirius's dismay). Had someone known he was coming? The 'oh, shit' sensation grew decidedly stronger. Of course. Surely someone of importance had noticed that the three had gone missing the night before. James's heart raced spiritedly, as it always did when his fun was about to come to a swift and sudden end.

He bravely pushed the door open, expecting to see a very cross-looking McGonagall standing with her arms folded harshly.

Someone fumbled in the hazy half-light of the windowless shack, gasping at the unexpected intruder. "J--James! I -- I was just --"

"Stratdley?" Relief flooded through James's veins. "How the hell did you get in here?"

"I, erm, I --"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, James, please don't tell -- I've just been coming out to practice --"

"Bloody fuck I'd tell. But you're not supposed to come out here by yourself. If anyone else catches you, there's no telling how many points they'd dock from Gryffindor... Or they might cut us out of the finals."

"I --"

"You're lucky I figured out you were coming down here before anyone else did."

"You figured...?"

"Of course," James bluffed. "I could tell you must've been getting in extra practice. I'd just been trying to work out when you were coming down here. I followed you down from the common room." He folded his arms authoritatively.

"I won't --"

"Now get back up to the castle before anyone catches us."

Stradtley looked bewildered for a moment before slowly setting his broom down.

"Now!"

"Aren't -- aren't you coming?"

"No. I--I've got to straighten up your bloody mess first."

"Oh." He stared at James for a moment before starting for the various Quidditch diagrams spread across the small table.

"Stradtley, just leave it. I'll get it. Get up to the castle!"

"R-Right. Sorry."

"Hurry!"

With that, Stradtley shut the door behind him as he took off at a run across the Quidditch patch towards the castle.

James let out a sigh of relief, leaning his weary head back for a moment before grabbing three of the fastest brooms.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sirius and Peter were sitting at the end of the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow, both still miserably out of breath from their swift exodus from Hogsmeade.

"Damn it..." Sirius's sigh echoed in the dirty passageway as he clutched his head with both hands. "I've never felt so wretched in my entire life..."

Peter seemed torn between sympathy and mockery, so he stayed silent. Finally, he said, "We could always just send an owl or something..."

Sirius gave a weak laugh, "Didn't you already do that?"

Peter looked embarassed as he stammered, "I -- didn't -- know...! I was being _nice_! Unlike you--"

"No..." Sirius cut him off as he rested his head on his knees, closing his eyes. Discomfort was evident in his voice as he continued, "James is right, though. We have to get to him. Don't know why that didn't occur to me... I guess I just thought the whole thing was so hopeless..." He sighed again. "Can't even think properly. Obviously..."

"Obviously," Peter snorted a laugh.

The earthy tunnel was silent for a moment before Sirius groaned loudly as he collapsed, laying on his side with his legs tucked up and both arms cradling his head. "Ughhh..." he groaned again.

Silence.

"Padfoot?"

There was a delay in Sirius's grumbled response, "What?"

"What did -- I mean, _how _did Moony --"

"--I don't know. It's none of your business." Sirius clenched his fist against the dirt. "Nosy fuck."

That seemed to temporarily quell Peter's curiosity. At least until he started to rationalize, "I just don't understand what happened is all. He's my friend, too, you know."

"Yeah. It's pretty much the same. You and him. Him and me."

Peter struggled to find his words before spouting in a frustrated tone, "So I don't deserve to know because -- because I'm not --" he searched for the words that contained the proper balance between venom and not getting himself hexed, " --not _sick_ like you?" He braced himself for slugs, boils, a bloody nose, lip, new breasts, new hair, no hair, something.

It didn't come. Sirius simply sighed, "Shut up, Wormtail."

Peter did. Inside, he was cursing and spitting on Sirius, thinking how ghastly unfair it was that of all the times Sirius's jabs had successfully jabbed him, crushing him in all the most vital places, the one time Peter dared touch on the most touchy of Sirius's touchy subjects, nothing. Just 'shut up'. Peter boiled. "Why won't you tell me?"

"It's not your business."

"I bet you'll tell James."

"I bet I will, too."

"Why?" Peter raised his voice. When he recieved no answer, he repeated, "Why? How am I any different than James?"

"Just shut up. My head hurts."

"What, are you fucking him, too? That's why you can--"

"I said _shut up!_" Sirius sat up, glaring dangerously at Wormtail, the echo of his words reverberating throughout the tunnel.

"What are you two carrying on about?" an out-of-breath James called as he appeared in the entrance to the tunnel. "Come on, I got the brooms."

Sirius grunted as he pushed himself up off the hard, dirt floor. "Thank god. You're lucky I didn't break Wormtail's face, Prongs." He pulled himself up out of the tunnel.

"Why's that?"

"Apparently he seems to think you're gay."

James furrowed his brow, frowning at Wormtail, who was now taking his turn in ungracefully heaving himself from the tunnel, "_You're_ gay."

Sirius snickered.

"Well, now that that's settled, let's get on."

* * *

"Bind him."

It happened so fast, Remus didn't even feel his face slam into the hard wooden floor until he tasted blood. It was only then that he felt the burning sting of impact on his knees and head. A split second later, he felt the slice of broken ceramic in his side, followed by a raw, red, burning. He heard himself wail, felt the shards of the teacup dig into his skin as he fought against the rough hands and rope that were keeping him from escaping that searing, blinding, boiling pain. He screamed louder and louder as he felt the flesh on his chest burning off, the skin melting and sticking to the floor, his bones eroding away, his insides pouring out. His throat was raw. He struggled as violently as his blazing skin would allow.

"What's wrong with him!" A man, who was getting tired of wrestling Remus's thrashing foot, exclaimed.

The man with the long red beard, stared down on Remus with disgust, "Just like an animal..."

"Ow!" A black haired man, one of the many restaining Remus, jumped back, "My foot!"

"Did it bite you?"

"No, I--" he winced, "Ugh, it burns! I don't know!" The man practically ripped off his boot, which, he failed to notice, had a large hole in it. He did, however, notice the hole in his sock and the red, blistered, bleeding, oozing skin it revealed. "It looks like... Look, under him! Careful!"

Suddenly, everyone was backing away from the small, boiling puddle of fiery red liquid beneath Remus, who was still freaking the fuck out. Freed from the men's grasp, Remus rolled over, away from the Mantichora blood. Everyone simply stared for a moment. Most of the front of Remus's shirt had been burned away, as well as most of the bandages on his left arm. The exposed skin, which had indeed melted off in places, looked much like the unfortunate black-haired man's foot, except more raw, more red, more blistered, more oozy, more bleeding. Along his side were several thick, jagged cuts, which were pouring a darker shade of blood than was weeping from the majority of his flesh. He heaved his breaths, his eyes were pouring, and his bottom lip had bloody teeth-marks. He was twitching, twitching, still on blazing with liquid fire.

One of the men, softened by guilt, pity, and disgust, spoke up as he moved towards the shuddering heap of cloth, blood, and flesh, "Help him..."

"Avery, Thompson, Yates. Get him. Take him back to headquarters." The man with the red beard said.

Remus didn't notice as the three sets of hands grabbed his arms and legs. He didn't notice the pull of Apparition, the dizzying speed of magical travel. He didn't notice as his pain melted away, ungraciously unaware as unconsciousness pulled him from the physical world.

* * *

Pretty pretty please review? I swear I'll update! I love you! I'm sorry! 3


	23. The Hog's Head

Title: To Be

Rating: I give this one a thumbs up.

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I obviously would have made Sirius and Remus gay, not Dumbledore. (JKR, why, oh why did you have to go and make me think anything remotely sexy about Dumbles?)

Warnings: Okay, this is a real warning -- ! It's been over a year since I've done anything with this story, and now suddenly I pop this out. And I'm not even going to read over what I've written. I'm just gonna roll with it. I guess if someone wants to be my beta for the next few chapters (I'm so gonna finish this thing!) that'd be super awesome. But for now, no beta, no proofreading. And I don't even have spellcheck! Oh goodness! This could be a nightmare. You have been warned!

Let's do this thing!

* * *

With a loud snap, another man in a black Ministry cloak apparated. He was now one of many that swarmed and scurried about the Lupin household. They were everywhere, searching for evidence mainly in Remus's room, the kitchen, his boxes of school things -- anything to give them a clue as to where the missing boy could have gone off to in the middle of the night. The man who had most recently arrived was different. "I need to speak with Mr. Lupin," he announced to the general chaos. 

"Mr. Lupin," called another voice.

"Yes? Oh, sorry. Shall we go outside?" Mr. Lupin looked disheveled and tired as he exited he front door of his house to meet the man.

"Mr. Lupin?"

"Yes. Have you found--" His eyes were red and glazed. "Have you found -- my boy?"

"No. However, we did find something over at the Ministry while we were looking through your family's files. Last summer--"

Mr. Lupin's face seemed to drain of blood as his brows furrowed.

"You were admitted to St. Mungo's after an attack--"

"I wasn't--"

"Yes, it said in your files _you _had a different story, but apparently," the man cleared his throat, "werewolf claw-marks are somewhat, ah, distinguishable. Which brings me to my point -- it seems that you failed to mention at the time that your _son _was a werewolf."

"Well it wasn't really--"

"With that information, we now have enough evidence to charge your son with First Degree Assault by a Dangerous Creature."

"I-- What? I'm not going to press charges on my own son--"

"With all respect, Mr. Lupin, we're talking about a highly dangeous Magical Creature with a history of violent attacks. Once the public finds out that it's on the loose--"

"This is my son we're talking about!"

"Yes," The Ministry official gave a slightly apologetic nod. "But a werewolf on the lam is a serious matter. Anyhow, it's no longer in any of our hands."

Mr. Lupin furrowed his greying brow, staring hard, unseeing at the veritable swarm of government personell scrurrying in and out of his home. He swallowed hard. "What does that mean?"

The man looked grim for a moment before gritting his teeth and saying, "Well, it means the Ministry now has a lot more interest in finding your son."

* * *

Blackness. Soothing, warm emptiness. Perhaps there was a dream. Maybe even a good dream. 

The word, "Suscitatio," was spoken, though Remus didn't hear it. Nor did he see the cloaked man shut the door behind him as he left Remus to wake up alone.

All he knew was that his dream of perfect nothingness was coming to an end, and in its place -- pain. Horrible, gut-tearing, soul-swallowing pain. He squeezed his eyes open. There was a layer of dry, muddy brown blood causing the side of his face to stick to the floor where he lay. He was in a small room, which was solid white aside from the man-sized streak of dried blood spanning from where he lay to the doorway. Remus tried to push himself up to a sitting position. Mistake. His whole upper body was tight and stiff and stinging so unbearably that his eyes rushed with water. Maybe laying flat on his face wasn't so bad for the time being. Except he couldn't really breathe too well.

His eyes closed again. Okay. So here he was, wherever he was, in that same paralyzing state of pain that he was so used to after each full moon, where all he could do was just lay there until help came. That thought jerked his mind, which was functioning at a mere fraction of its normal level, to somewhat awake mode. The full moon. Last he remembered, the full moon was tonight. Had it already come and gone? Where had he transformed? That would explain why he had woken up in a helpless heap somewhere. But where? Where the hell was he? Remus opened his eyes again, studying the small cell-like room more closely.

Cell-like. He had attacked his father during a full moon. Remus had a vague sense that this was something he'd been dreading. But he hadn't meant to hurt his father. Was that what had happened? Many black-cloaked men were filing into a dingy bedroom. Yes. He was surrounded, then suddenly he was blind with pain, then he had woken up here after the full moon. But wait. A dingy bedroom? At an inn. What the hell had he been at an inn for? He had seen a dagger at a shop and a man but then -- Suddenly his heart plunged. Down, down, down.

He remembered the poison. He'd held it to his lips forever. And before that... Shifting painfully, he brought his left forearm around, resting his elbow on the sticky floor. He mouth hung open. Blood and saliva mixed and trickled sideways down his cheek. Dread and fear and disgust and hatred and more hatred crashed over him, settling somewhere between his heart and his stomach. After a few hitched breaths, he awkwardly pulled his arm back down by his side and shut his eyes. That was... It was... He just couldn't believe it. Himself. What... Thousands of deep ravines with white fat at the bottom. He couldn't. It must have hurt so much. But he didn't remember it hurting. Just the abandoned classroom and the book and that pop. His parents wouldn't give him his letters. His thoughts fragmented as soon as he thought them. That was all he could manage with the raw, eroded skin of his midsection screaming at him so loud.

So the question remained, he thought as he drug himself out of his misery -- the pain made that so much easier to do -- where was he? And more importantly, which day was it? When was the full moon? Somehow he had to find out. Sirius saying 'Kiss me' on the first day of school. The corners of Remus's lips twitched up for a second. His friends. A true smile through the hitched, shallow breaths that had been sustaining him. He was messing it all up. Everything. Why couldn't he stay focused? The full moon -- when? It had been days since he'd eaten. What were _they_ doing at the Hog's Head? The Hog's Head.

The Hog's Head.

The windowless door to the small room opened. Remus stared up from his heap on the floor as the man with the red beard appeared in the doorway, just as he had appeared in the doorway at the Hog's Head. He was still at the Hog's Head. For the first time, Remus noticed he was cold. He had drank the poisonous blood. This was death. The man with the red beard - this was death.

Another man entered. Then another. Remus didn't move. He didn't breathe. He didn't need to.

"I suppose you know why you're here, Mr. Lupin."

Remus tried to laugh, but only a cough and bloody spittle came out. Death in liquid form, running down his face.

The men in their black cloaks looked at him like he was a foul insect before they looked up amongst themselves.

Remus shut his eyes tightly as his raw midsection stung in the cold, admitting to himself that he was scared out of his mind. This couldn't be good. But, then, what _were_ they doing at the Hog's Head? And why were they leaving in such a hurry? He never -- They never -- He'd have to fix all this.

"Can't believe they actually let him go to _school_. With _wizards_," the shortest of the three men muttered. "Just look at that sorry--"

"This would probably be a little easier if you would let me get that antidote, McDermont..."

McDermont with the red beard surveyed Remus skeptically for a moment, not replying to the other man. Finally, he spoke again, enunciating and speaking very slowly, "Lupin, do you know why you're here?"

Again, Remus stared up at them, trying to remember how to make sounds. After a few seconds of deliberation, he decided to just tell them the truth and say no, he didn't remember. All that came out was an indistinguishable noise and a bit more blood. Were his teeth bleeding? He remembered that he didn't need to breathe, so he stopped again.

The three men stared at him a bit longer before the short one crossed his arms. "This is ridiculous. How are we supposed to question it if it can't talk? I don't see why we don't just go ahead and put it down. No use in waiting around for a bloody court order if we already know what the verdict's going to be." Remus gave a soft moan through clenched teeth. The man gestured to the wrecked boy on the floor, "And our briefing said this one was supposed to be _intelligent_!" He laughed.

"Well, Reibe, maybe if you hadn't let him get Mantichora blood all over him..."

"But even so! And how were we supposed to know he had Mantichora blood just laying on the floor?"

"McDermont, for Merlin's sake, just let me give him the antidote."

"Calm down." McDermont coldly surveyed the way Remus's blood-stained limbs stuck out at odd angles, the way his dilated pupils only stared straight ahead. "It's not fatal unless you drink it, and he only rolled around in it. Although, it would seem that, perhaps, had we waited a few minutes longer he would have done or work for us and we wouldn't have to wait around for the court's decision."

"Regardless of the creature's fate, don't you think it's a bit cruel to leave him poisoned?"

"Thomas, are you saying you feel _sorry_ for a _werewolf_?"

"I-- No. But, just look at him!"

McDermont sighed. "Pitiable, yes, but in a few hours he'll be deadly. I don't want to make sure he's good and healthy right before the full moon comes out."

"Fair enough."

The full moon. Was it yesterday again? McGonagall was shaking him, screaming at him to show her his arms. She had screamed at him once in fifth year, too. And Sirius, Sirius. "Sirius," his voice sounded garbled.

The men looked at him, puzzled for a moment before Reibe shrugged and started to walk out.

"Are we going to check on him again before the moon comes out?"

"I think not. I know I've got more important things to do," McDermont said importantly tapping his left forearm.

Thomas's eyes were wide as he glanced from McDermont to Remus and back again.

"Come on, Thomas, it's not like that thing even knows we're in here."

"Yes. And he's not exactly going to have the opportunity to get out and tell anyone, is he?"

The short man laughed, pulling up his left sleeve and throwing a taunt in Remus's direction, "Woo! Look, wolfy, it's the dark mark! I'm a Death Eater, woo!"

"Don't be an idiot. And make sure you bar the door."

The three men filed out and the large, white door slammed shut heavily behind them.

Remus's wide eyes blankly darted around the room. Finally they settled in the furthest corner and he breathed out, along with a bit more blood, "Sirius..."

* * *

Sirius was, at that moment, flying. Flying, flying, flying through the early afternoon sky, high above the clouds so no muggles could see. James was really getting on his last nerve -- that son of a bitch kept busting out all his fanciest Quidditch moves. Now was not the time to be showing off like an arse. Sirius had even told him as much on several occasions throughout their flight and James's response would always be to go into a crazy loop or a huge dive and then start laughing like an idiot. 

Of course, there were three major reasons why Sirius felt like clobbering his best friend clean off his broom. Firstly, every time Prongs would bust a move, Peter, that sorry excuse for a rat, would Ooh and Aah and squeal like a fat, ugly little schoolgirl. Thankfully, after their argument that morning, Peter had been careful to avoid eye contact, much less speak, with Sirius. That was a slight plus. However, the fact remained that seeing him coo over James (especially after he referred to him and Remus as 'sick'. Hypocrite much, Wormy?) made Sirius feel even more nauseous than he already did.

Which brings us to the secondary reason why Sirius wanted to punch James in the face: he was on a bloody broomstick when he had never had such a bad hangover in his entire drinking career. He supposed his tolerance must have plummeted this year since, what with him constantly having to take care of Remus, he hadn't had nearly as much time for revelry as he would have liked. Sirius was just in no shape for any sort of broomstick-related hijinks. And on top of his monstrous hangover, that bloody tattoo that he had no recollection of getting was really really sore. Although, it was damn sexy if he did say so himself. His heart skipped a beat as he considered, for the first time, what Remus would think of it. Remus didn't exactly seem like a tattoo kind of guy. But oh well. There wasn't much he could do about it now, was there? He'd just have to wait and see what Remus's reaction was.

And then the third reason for his foul mood -- Remus. He was worried sick about what might be happening to him. The last time he'd been home, his parents had locked him in the fucking basement! That was more like something his parents would do, not Remus's. And really, the only thing that had been keeping him going on their journey was that he had been blocking out every thought about Remus, or at least trying to. He'd have to face the reality of it eventually, though. After all, his house was their destination, and he was sure that when they got there, Remus would be in just the kind of state that Sirius _hated_seeing him in. Depressed, nervous, blah, blah, blah. It was all getting so old. Sirius was beginning to think he'd never have the Remus he knew and loved back. He'd been sucked dry by this monster... those feelings that, at first, Sirius just couldn't relate to. But thanks to Remus, Sirius now felt that he knew his share about depression. He wished he didn't.

No. The important thing was to get to Remus so they could commence with Operation: Major Cheering Up. As if 'major cheering up' was enough. Bah.

Finally, they approached their destination and began losing altitude. Patches of white and brown turned into snow-covered hills and trees, and then, finally, near the outskirts of a large wintery forest, a small house came into view. As they circled downward, James started to squint. Then Sirius started to squint. Then Peter asked, "What are all those people doing there?"

Sirius's heart stopped, rendering him a freezing, hung over, lifeless shell. In silence, they landed, a good bit further away than they had planned on, as not to be immediately seen. They gathered together and all stared down the hill at Remus's house. After a good bit of hesitation, James finally said, "Let's go."

As they marched closer, Peter observed, "It's all Ministry people. Look -- their cloaks."

"What the bloody hell are all of them doing there...?"

Sirius said nothing, though he had begun blinking far more than normal.

They slowed to a stop once they got to the yard, not quite sure what to do at that point. They couldn't just waltz in and whisk Remus away if there were jillions of Ministry officials there! Their dilemma, however, was soon answered for them as Remus's father came running out the front door towards them.

"What the hell are you kids doing here?" They said nothing. "How did you _get_ here?"

James had an answer for that one. "We flew."

"What's going on?"

"Um. We don't know," said James.

Mr. Lupin shook his head, looking slightly unhinged. "Well, this has been -- I don't know. Why -- Why don't you boys come in...? James," he shook James's hand. "Peter," he shook Peter's hand, then hesitated, obviously going through a fierce internal battle before finally, "Black." He made no attempt to shake Sirius's hand, but merely started winding his way towards the front door.

James gave them all his best 'What the fuck' look before following Mr. Lupin inside, Peter at his heels. Sirius took a few moments to scowl. This was certainly not what he was expecting.

* * *

Whoa, I updated! Please let me know what you think... if I've still got it or if this is really weird and different compared to the rest of the story. I mean, it's less 'woe is me', but that's just the story doing its thing. It's getting to be that time. 

Although, I thought I had the rest of the story all outlined and ready for the writin', but APPARENTLY I said 'fuck you' to the outline like 4 chapters ago :( And also, when I got to this point in the outline, I literally wrote down 'And then some other stuff happens, I'm sure it'll be great' then cut straight to the end. Boo on me. But it's craziness! This has been such a one-track story and now like. Shit's going down. Oh man, I'm so excited!

And I was serious about that beta thing I mentioned up there.

Also, Please Please Please review? You don't even have to say nice things!


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